Well hello again,
I’m coming to you “live” from my therapist’s waiting room.
The waiting room is such a weird place to be honest. All of us are here to see our different people, but in truth we are all sizing each other up. Ranking who looks the craziest and hoping you are never #1 on anyones list. Currently there are 4 of us in here and we all have the signature red puffy eyes, zombie face from lack of sleep or emotionally exhausted. Leggings and a comfy shirt. Hair in a messy bun or ball cap. What we are really screaming to the world..this is the best I could do today but dammit I’m here and I am getting help. Meanwhile the receptionist looks like she has truly seem some shit in here and is just watching the clock until she can break free and pray to herself she doesn’t ever turn in to the people in this very room.
I started seeing a therapist again for what seems like the hundredth time. I am the textbook patient when it comes to quitting. I feel better and think I do not need it anymore. It get’s too hard, I don’t like the therapist, it’s too far away, I booked the appt to early and I’m tired and no show..then too embarrassed to go back because I feel bad for ghosting them. I make every excuse to not go. That makes it nearly impossible to ever confront my issues and I never truly feel better.
So that brings me here again..In the judgy waiting room..waiting to talk to a new stranger and do a quick 45 minute recap of why I’m fucked up. That’s always a good time. I like to call it the shock and awe phase. The “Why are you here today?” Then BOOM! I rip her face off with depression, anxiety, self esteem and all the ugly domestic violence details.
What I absolutely HATE about the very first appointment with a new person is they want you to rip your guts out. Lay it all out there. Talk about all the ways you’re messed up that brought you here today. Then when your JUST getting to the hard shit.. it’s basically over. Times up. You are so raw and exposed and are seriously triggered by giving a full recap of all your crap and then you have to leave. See you later..good luck with your emotions the rest of the day and we can’t get you back in here for another 2 weeks. WTF?
I sometimes wish there was an after care room for when you’re done. They have snacks, soft comfy blankets and puppies or something. The “After The Show” shows you see on TV. Someone there to help you talk shit about all the things that went down.
ME: Girl! Did you see how fucked up that girl was? She’s the WORST!
Random chick in room: OMG I know.. that therapist totally has her hands full. This season is going to be SO good!
ME: Can’t wait to see the shit show that unfolds next week.
I also can get pretty impatient with therapy. I want to just spill my guts then have them give me a pill to take for 4-7 days and then I’m good. The brain is such a jerk that it’s so complex that there is so many layers for everything. Yet another excuse why I never truly get anything out of it. When I was in my abusive relationship we moved every 6 months so It was really hard to get into things. Sometimes I found an absolute amazing therapist and we were actually getting somewhere then had to leave. Some did telemedicine but that never really works well for me. I need that human interaction face to face. It was so important to be to be out of the house during the violent times. I had a little bit of peace and a soft place to land.
Over the past 3 months I have started to spiral back to a pretty unhealthy place. Crying more than normal. The nightmare of past abusive episodes are back and I just am starting to struggle in pretty minor tasks. Time for sure to come back and try and work it out.
My goal for 2023 is to truly do the work and time needed to really get back to a place of peace. To get through the ugly and to finally enjoy life as it should be. I worry and cry and freak out way to much and that’s getting in the way of a lot of other things that could be great. Relationships, my business, my health (not just mental) are all slipping. We all know the saying life is short. You just don’t know. you really don’t. I need to finally get this shit under control and live my life for me and the people who love me. But mostly to give my dogs a better life. That’s all that matters right? Oh and the cat too..More on that craziness next time. I’m a cat mom now!
So it looks like I am up and ready to start this new therapy chapter. I hope this new therapist is ready for the hurricane that’s about to make landfall.
Til next time..