First off I want to say that I’m finally get our little blog in tip top shape. It’s been a long time coming but it’s happening. So if you see new changes or something very wonky here and there just know I’m probably crying and rocking in a corner somewhere trying to fix whatever I did to eff it up. Please hang in there with me and it should all be look great real soon.
So today I’m going to talk about panic attacks. Like out of nowhere slap in the face, knock you on your ass panic attacks. I had a doozy a few days ago. Let me set scene..
I’m at work minding my own damn business. I start to get really hot and feel woozy. My chest is starting to tighten up and my breaths become short and face. My “oh shit” meter is going off and I know I’m about to go to a place I don’t want to be.
This time I actually got myself into the bathroom. My work bathrooms are the best because they are full brick stalls and full heavy doors. For anyone that appreciates privacy you totally get what I mean. Not those cheap ass stalls you see with gaps. If I can see you, you can for sure see me.
I get inside and the tears immediately begin to flow. If I’m being completely honest most times I get these I don’t really know what it is that’s bothering me. Just something is not right and then I panic about it. This time it was so clear and completely random.
My main concern was that my boyfriend was going to die someday. Like it could be today or it could be 50 years from now. Who the hell knows but the only thing I’m focusing on is him dying and what the fuck am I going to do to not let that happen. I’m completely irrational at this point. Crying and trying to control my breathing. Trying to con myself by saying he will never die which I know is totally making it worse. Again I’m completely irrational at this point so you know what I did…?
I had another fucking thought pop up in my head mid attack. So not only do I think my boyfriend is dying but why not think about someone coming to steal my dog at the same time. WTF?!?!
So a while back I read during Covid people were stealing peoples dogs to get a ransom from the owner. We all remember Lady Gaga’s dog walker getting shot right? Well my brain took me to a place where my babies are going to get dog napped and I will never see them again. I will get attacked and have to live with the pain and guilt for not saving my babies.
Meanwhile I’m starting to realize how long I’ve been hiding in the bathroom and really need to get it together. My two totally random issues collided in a huge way and not in the nicest of ways. It was probably only 10 minutes but it felt like hours with the added stress of being at work.
I’m super hard on myself and tend to say some not so nice things about what I’m doing. “Get it together” “Just stop” ” Your being ridiculous” They are not really helpful at all. Please if you can remember to be patient with yourself. This is happening and you can do hard things. It will pass and you can tackle the problem when your calm. Lean into the feeling. Acknowledge it and tell yourself you will work on it.
I posted about my panic attacks before and here is the post I talk about my soothing methods.
One or all may work for you or none whatsoever. There is never a right or wrong way to handle them. It’s just a matter of finding what can get you through in the best way for you.
I always feel a little weird talking about mine because I’m writing this with a safe and calm mind. Looking back it’s still seems irrational but they come when they come I guess.
Thanks for being here as always and let’s all try to be kind to each other this week.