Author Stories, Domestic Violence, Relationships

5 Types of Domestic Violence: Emotional and Psychological

Hi all,

Getting back on task after having to say goodbye to our Lucy has been rough but it’s time. I wanted to continue talking about the 5 types of domestic violence.

Last time we chatted about physical. If you would like to revisit you can here…

https://swearingtotallyhelps.com/5-types-of-domestic-violence-physical/?amp=1

This time I want to talk about 2 out of the 5 since they can be interpreted as the same sometimes. They really are two distinct categories but they totally intertwine. Emotional and psychological abuse can hurt and cause damage if not more long lasting than the physical kind. My emotional scars have long since overpowered my physical ones. But let’s break it down.

Emotional abuse refers to the type of abuse that affects how someone feels. Being put down, isolated from friends and family, constantly criticized, being blamed for something you can’t control. There is no emotional growth between you and your abuser. You will always be in the wrong.

For me, my abuser started with minor things like commenting on an outfit not looking right or my hair was out of place. He would show concern everytime I went out with my friends or had drinks. At first I thought it was cute, but when it progressed to me not spending enough time with him or I was cheating everytime I went out..I just stopped going so there wouldn’t be an issue.

There was even a time if I needed to go to the store I had to ask if it was ok. If he was out of town or at work he would assume I was up to something because I didn’t want to wait until he got home. I would be in the house most days because going out meant a fight.

When we did fight that’s when the name calling kicked in. I swear he called me a fucking idiot more that he ever said my name. Stupid, crazy, dumb, idiot. Shut the fuck up was also the phrase of choice in our house.

I remember how those names made me feel. Worthless, empty, I even started to believe it. I would go into the shower and just cry my eyes out. Then he would always see my puffy eyes and ask what the hell was I crying about. He told me once he’s the one who should cry because of having to deal with me!! WTF?!?!

Psychological abuse falls close to emotional but psychological abuse involves trauma to the victim through behaviors that are used to “control, terrorize, and denigrate” victims. I guess I think of it as taking the emotional abuse up a notch. Next level stuff. Examples are gaslighting, (meaning making you second guess yourself). Telling you that you are wrong or mistaken when you know your right. Using anything you’ve said in confidence against you. Using threats to spark fear. Feeding you negative thoughts about things to control you.

Mine would tell me bad things would happen to me if I left the house. Nowhere is safe. If I go somewhere he has to go too so he could protect me. Another example is using a past insecurity against me. I had an ex cheat on me when I was younger and it crushed me. He used to tell me I was the reason he cheated because I didn’t do things he liked. Then he said he would too because that’s what happens if they don’t get things. Ugh.

You can see they can be pretty similar but once has a larger manipulation factor to it.

Don’t get me wrong when I say this but for me the verbal/psychological abuse messed me up the most. The physical hurt like hell and can absolutely have devastating outcomes. My injuries healed but my mind has not. I’m 3.5 years out of the abuse but the pain of the words and memories are still right here with me.

This is hard to admit but it’s my truth.. I would actually hope he would hit me instead of the hours long verbal assaults. Typically the physical wound last less time. Ugh I can’t believe I said that but there it is.

I will ALWAYS say that any and all abuse is wrong and one is not worse than the other. It’s not a contest. I think that’s why a lot feel if they are not getting hit or have brushes then they can’t come forward for help. I totally felt that way too. Mine was all 5 categories but the physical came last.

My hope for you is you can recognize the 5 types and make a plan to leave when safe to do so. You deserve all the love and more.

XOXO

Amy

Author Stories, Domestic Violence

5 Types of Domestic Violence: Physical

Hi all, 

In the next week or so I’m going to talk about the 5 types of domestic violence. We can break down so many types of abuse into smaller categories but these 5 are the starting points. 

These next few posts should come with a warning. No matter where you are in your journey it can always be painful hearing and reading others stories. If your not ready, it’s ok. Bookmark us and come back as a resource when you can. We will be here:)

So let’s dig in..

The 5 major types of domestic violence are considered: Physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and physiological. 

Each one by itself can be devastating but unfortunately most times a lot of these are combined. My own story has all 5 front and center. 

Today we are going to chat about the physical part. Domestic violence in most peoples minds is physical. We see movies of victims bruised faces,billboards of sad, tired black eyes. We know famous stories of celebrities that spoke out like Tina Turner and Rihanna. If you ask any random person on the street and have them explain domestic violence it would almost always be the physical side. 

In reality most domestic survivors say the physical side was a slow progression. The other pillars lead up to it. 

The majority of shelters see victims only come for help when it gets to this point. Fearing for more harm and trying to save their lives. For some, feeling like they can’t get help unless it gets physical is so painful to hear. Abuse isn’t judged on how bad it gets. 

My own story was exactly that. It didn’t just start as a fast punch to the face but once that first form of physical violence shows itself it’s already going down a dangerous path.

If you haven’t read my story you can do so below.

Domestic Physical abuse is considered any touching contact that is intended to hurt or cause harm. A punch, slap, kick, shove, push, choke, hit with an object or being held down when you are not allowed to move are forms of physical abuse. If your parter is hurting your body with intent to harm you are physically being abused. Sexual abuse is a form of physical but due to it being on a whole other level it gets it own category.

Did you know it take an average of 7 tries to leave an abusing partner? Meanwhile each episode things progress worse and worse. 

Please know your situation and if you feel you are in danger you need to make a plan when safe to do so. It’s scary and the fear of leaving everything with no next steps can be hard. The only step you need to do is find a way to safely. There are so many wonderful people and organizations here with open arms and we got you. I promise. 

If you or someone you know needs help please reach out to someone on our resources page or if you just need to talk or have a friend there are so many that will listen. I see you and if you need a quick moment of knowing your not alone let me know and I will do what I can to help. 

Just please know you are not alone. I got you. We ALL got you. 

Xoxo

Amy

Author Stories

It’s the 4th of July and I am in panic mode

Hey All,

For most Americans, today is all about get togethers, BBQ’s, celebrating our countries birthday with a day off and ending the day with fireworks.

For me, this weekend is my annual checking myself into a fancy hotel, spa days and drinking myself sleepy until I’m sound asleep before I even hear a boom go off.

My name is Amy and I am 44 years old and I am completely terrified of fireworks. Yup. There I said it. Sudden loud noises have always been a fear of mine. Fireworks, thunder, cars backfiring, guns, horns, etc. I’ve been this way since I was a little girl and guess what? I never grew out of it as most people would say.

I have always tried to pinpoint where/when/why it started and I can only think of one possible thing. I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to laugh ok? When I was 4 or 5 my mom and her friend would go bowling on Saturday nights and her friends 16 year old son would always have to babysit me. Two single moms did what they could to have a few hours off so we were an unlikely pair. We would always be at our house since I was always sent to bed way earlier I felt probably so his 16 year old self could do what 16 year olds do. I was a pretty stubborn kid so as a punishment he did this..again don’t laugh ok? We had an extremely old microwave in the house. It wasn’t digital and it was a turn dial. And back in the day it wasn’t the little beeps you hear today…it was a super loud alarm and I was scared of it. So if I didn’t go to bed and stay there he told me he was going to set the microwave for 10 seconds and hold me there to watch the countdown. Some savage torture shit for a 5 year old. I called his bluff and the monster that he was did it. (ps. totally not a monster and we joke about it today) He held me still with my arm around my chest and 10. 9. 8. …. I was screaming and then BAM! it was so loud and scary and he know I would run right to bed after that. I mean it totally worked but for sure there had to be other way right. RIGHT?!?!?!

So I’m not totally sure if that was my trigger for loud noises but that’s really all I can remember. Fireworks, storms when I know they are coming I can plan. I’m currently in a hotel drinking my wine and will order a nice dinner then night night and wake up the next day knowing I made it though. There is always the asshole that has them leftover though and like to blow them off in my neighborhood for another few days. Those are the hard ones to plan for. For storms I am glued to the radar on my phone and when I think it’s time to hide I grab my headphones and turn up my music and hide in the bathroom farthest away from any outside walls or windows. Gotta have a system people. My friends joke that I need a human size Thunder Shirt that are for dogs.

I know my fears are not rational or even comparable to our military heroes. I always think of them this time of year as well. Some suffer from severe PTSD and fireworks can trigger so many things for them. I think of all the pets and wildlife that have no idea what the hell is happening as well.

I’m for sure not one of those that are trying to ban fireworks and take away peoples fun (I would do a little dance if it actually happened though). I want everyone to enjoy the holiday and eat themselves silly with BBQ. I am perfectly happy that I just got my facial and nails done and I’m watching bad reality housewives of somewhere with my fave bottle of wine. Oh and my dogs are here too and they get big bones later. We are doing it up people.

Happy 4th!

Xoxo,

Amy

Author Stories, Business

Faking it until you emotionally make it.

Hey all,

I’m Amy. I’m a business owner, significant other, dog mom, lover of bad reality tv,blogger,and a goal to open a domestic violence non profit. 

ALSO

I’m Amy. My business is on the verge of collapse. My significant other and I struggle at times from my DV past. My dogs poop on the floor when angry. I can spend a depression filled workday in front of the TV comparing myself to housewives from cities I’ve never been to. My blog only has 26 followers and my goal of a domestic violence non profit is only a goal because I haven’t started on it yet due to feeling overwhelmed. 

Same person and both are true. One is just a bit more in depth on the original statement. A bit more negative for sure. 

If you read the first statement it sounds like I’m living the dream and accomplished a lot. In reality I’m struggling with things and not where I need to be. 

Both are ok. 

I’m still working to save my online business so I’m technically still a business owner. My dream of opening a shelter is very much real it just has steps to it and will not be an overnight thing. 

What I do know is I can be quite hard on myself so the second introduction is what I feel most days. The ugly truth. 

I’m actually trying to do better and see myself as the 1st paragraph. I say fake it but it’s still my truth but faking my emotional state until things are a bit better helps me get through the hard stuff. 

I still struggle with hard business facts but I do remind myself that I’ve survived some bigger challenges than this so I know I can turn it around. 

Not a ton to say today but just a personal reminder to myself you can do it and so can all of you. 

Also if your a small business owner send me an email and I’ll take a peak at your pages. 

Xoxo

Amy

Author Stories

I’m Weird and I Do Weird Stuff: A Confession

So I’ve posted some extremely personal stories in the past. Some so raw I needed a minute after I hit that publish button. This one is still personal but I’m going to put my weirdness on blast and I guess that’s just as scary since I’ve never really talked about my quirks post Domestic Violence. 

A lot of my weirdness has come out of survival. Some I developed after the abuse, but all of these are for sure newish.  A lot of them I think are based on control. My story was I was controlled in every aspect of my life. The things I developed were my way of controlling just little things and it got me through. 

But why still do it? I think it’s that stat that if you do something repetitive for a while it just becomes second nature. I don’t have to do these things anymore but it’s just almost a comfort thing I guess. 

My top 5 things I do that’s weird but comforting:)

  1. My daily bathroom routine.  

 Each and everyday when I get ready I take EVERYTHING out I will use and line it up on the counter. Every face product, hair product, make up, brushes, oral care, lotions, EVERYTHING!!! The counter looks like I’m a hoarder and it’s covered with no space to space. Not to mention I bring all my underwear things, clothes, accessories and shoes in with me as well. I’m walking out of this bathroom 100% ready.  

Getting fully ready meant I was alone longer in the bathroom. Alone time was my only time that I could breathe so more time was super important to me. 

Also I felt safer being naked and getting dressed behind a door. 

With all the products out on the counter I could visually see what I had to do still. On days when I was in such bad shape every task felt like a mountain to climb. But if I put lotion on I put the bottle away. Brushed my teeth.. I put away the toothpaste, mouthwash and brush. After each task the counter got less cluttered and what I had left to do seemed less and less. It kept me going and taking one thing at a time. I was in control and I was getting shit done:)

I STILL do this today. It’s such a part of my daily routine that it would probably throw me off if I didn’t it differently.  I will always check bathroom counters for space potential in any new place I live:)

  1.  The Alphabet game

         I have a weird habit of “finding” the alphabet when I get nervous or feel a panic attack coming on. It started when I was alone in a Dr office after being injured where I needed medical attention. I knew I was going to have to lie but was so uncomfortable being there. I started looking around the room and found a letter A on the wall. Then B then C. I just kept going to take my mind off everything. J’s are always the hardest. But I still do this everytime I’m in a room at the Dr. 

I’ve also done it in the shower when I’ve been so defeated and need an escape. The shower was always my place of safety so I did it to calm down. Finding the letters on shampoo bottles or body washes.

3. Counting semi trucks

When I’m driving long distances I set a goal of how many Semi trucks I can find. Back in my relationship we would always travel long distances when we moved so often and I wasn’t allowed to talk in the car. To keep my mind from going crazy and keep me present I would count the semi’s. I’d see when the next big city would be on the interstate and make a goal to see how many I could see before we get there. I don’t do this as often anymore but I still notice them all while driving. I just don’t keep track.

4. Worst case game

We may all have done this to some degree but I tend to do this a bit too much. Something will pop up that worries me and I will start thinking of all the possibilities of what could go wrong. Something so simple as I have a headache will for sure lead to death in my mind. A check engine light will automatically leave me stranded on the road at night and I’ll get murdered by a random passerby. If I’m worried about a bill, I will become homeless living in my car. That’s if they don’t repo it. Then I’ll be living in a tent until someone steals that and then I’ll be out in the rain. See what I mean? I can go on and on with so many levels. These days it’s more comedy relief but I still do it. Back in the day I would think worst case and try to make a plan for whatever could happen. It just gave me a little bit more of control.

5. On time like by an hour

This one is probably my most annoying one for the others in my life. I get huge anxiety about being late for anything. So much so I’ll leave almost 2 hours early just to be there an hour early to sit in the car. If I’m alone it’s no big deal but if you can imagine how it goes with my current boyfriend you are probably just as annoyed as he gets. I’m always rushing and moving him along and then he gives me the look like “ITS 2 FUCKING HOURS EARLY”. Then we laugh and laugh. Haha. Just kidding. I’ll back off but internally I’m stressing we are going to be late. 

The one time we cut it close because of traffic or who know what I’m extra validated in why we need to leave early. But that only happens like once out of hardly ever but damn it if I don’t use it. 

Well there I spilled all my dirty little quirks for the Internet to see. I know I’m not alone in the weird category so if you dare share!!! I’d love to hear yours!

Xoxo 

Amy