So what you are about to read is extremely hard for me to post. I’ve been gone for a few weeks due to me relapsing into a deep state of depression and panic attacks triggered from my abusive past.
During my worst meltdown, I decided to write out all that was going through my head. My worst thoughts, the panic rambling, the trying to understand and getting more and more frustrated.
I promised myself that I would not edit or alter my words. What you read below was me in real time writing my exact thoughts. No filter. No spellcheck. Just raw painful emotions. I’m fully exposed here and this is just as terrifying as the episode itself.
Why would I share this? Because it’s real life. I’m just one of many who battle mental health issues each day and below was my day to battle.
Here we go.
Feb 20th 2022 at 2:35am
What the fuck am I doing up again? I’m so tired but I’m wide awake and I can’t sleep. My head feels so heavy. It’s like my body and brain are so disconnected. My body is barely moving. Exhausted. My damn brain is telling me all the things I hate about myself. Right now I believe every word. I want the words to stop. Each word is flashing like a neon light.
Worthless, stupid, idiot,fat,ugly,broke,selfish
It feels like one of those scrolling news feeds on CNN or ESPN. Constant and never ending and I can’t shut it off.
I’m on the bathroom floor. It’s cool on my skin. I want to cover up. I’m embarrassed being exposed even though I’m the only one here. I want to wear so many layers to hide but I’m too fucking lazy to get up off the floor.
I hate that I’m like this. I’m so embarrassed. Everything is falling apart. My body, mind, relationship, money. I feel like a piece of shit not worth being here. I’m more of a burden than a asset to anyone. C has not spoken to me for a week. He left for Florida and has not called since he left. My heart is beating out of my chest and it’s hard to breathe. He can’t handle my past very well and doesn’t understand my future is still traumatized. I need to stop letting it interfere. It’s ruining everything. My ex 3 years later is still in my head hurting me. I’m not allowed to be happy. Please god make the pain go away. I can’t take much more.
My heart hurts like it’s going to explode. I can’t calm down. Writing this down is keeping me alive I think. It’s making me look at the words. I hate words.
My eyes are burning from my tears. I have a huge rash on my neck and chest that is starting to itch. Last time I scratched until I bled. I’m going to not do that this time. I did hit my head when I was falling to the floor. I’m sure my head will continue to pound until tomorrow. I hate that I am so pathetic. Why cant I be strong like I used to be. Or was I ever? Was I always this shitty? I’m spiraling out of control and nobody is here to catch me. I don’t blame them.
I feel like screaming “please help me”. I want someone here to hold my hand. To speak softly to tell me everything is going to be ok. But I’m so alone. Sometimes I think I’ll die alone.
I think that is scarier than anything.. dying alone. I’m an only child. I don’t have kids and my relationships are spotty at best. Who will be there for me? Am I worth taking care of?
I want to go to bed so bad but I know if I get up off the floor I will start spinning. My vertigo is in full force once I hit this manic state. If I move to quick I throw up and fall over. So here I sit.
It’s been over an hour now since I’ve been in here. My heart rate is slowing down and I feel I can breathe better. The feeling is coming back to my hands and feet. They always tingle when I’m hyperventilating. Popping the Xanax once I got to the floor was a good call. I hate taking it but it’s works so well for me. I wonder if this will always be my life. Crying on the bathroom floor ashamed and popping pills to calm down.
I’m finally getting sleepy and I’m both mentally and physically exhausted. I’m wondering if I should write these attacks down more often. I helps me focus on this I guess even though I’m rambling. I’m going to try and get some sleep until my alarm goes off at 7. It’s going to be a long day.
So there you have it guys.. Whew! I hate reading that to be honest but it’s my truth sometimes and that is ok. I do want everyone to know that I am ok and no need to worry. I am on the right meds. A support team that just needed a breather and I’m doing much better.
I will always be a work in progress and some days are WAY better than others. I am pretty proud of myself for the courage to post this. I know everyone says you are not alone but you really do have allies out there, I am here fighting right along side with you. We can have better days and as long as we have others to rely on on the not so great days we will be ok. All you need to do is reach out and ask.
Love to all,