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I just had to put my dog to sleep and I’m spiraling

Well Shit, Fuck and every other goddamn swearword out there. I just had to put my beloved Frenchie LucyFur to sleep today. She was only 3. Only THREE!

Our Lucy had her first seizure about a year ago. I remember I was home alone since the boothing was out of town. I was just getting curled up in bed and all of a sudden our bed was shaking from underneath. My poor Lucy liked to sleep there sometimes. I look under and she was shaking so violently and foaming at the mouth I remember I screamed and panicked and went into crazy WTF do I do mode. To the Emergency vet we went.

That night seamed like forever ago. In the mean time we have had countless vet appointments, neurologists, trips to the ER, late night pharmacy runs and never-ending calls to Nationwide insurance to see if things were covered with her pet insurance.

We rearranged our whole lives over her 3 times a day pill time. Tried all the sneaky ways of hiding them. Cheese, Peanut butter, ham and turkey. She was a honey ham kind of girl. We had our Alexia alerts shout out reminders. She got to know her voice and when she said LucyFur pill time she actually got up and went to the fridge because of course that’s where the ham is.

We politely declined invites, passed on things we wanted to do, and postponed reservations so we could be home so we didn’t miss any dose.

Over this past year our Lucy progressively got worse. Where she would have had a seizure once every few months to then weeks to cluster seizures each hour and over the last 2 days..every 20 min. I felt so helpless. They say they do not feel them when it’s happening but I know for damn sure they feel different when they come out of it. She was lethargic, drooling, and sometimes could not control her bowels.

This morning she could not keep her head up, was not responding to sights or sounds and the seizures were coming so fast that there was barely any recovery time. It was time. We knew her life was going to be cut short by her condition but we were not prepared to say goodbye at 3 years old.

That long drive to the vet was only 15 minutes but with each passing mile I was screaming inside and wanted it to take 15 hours. We pull into the parking lot with my BF holding her in his lap willing for her to give us a sign. I wanted to put the car back in gear and get the hell out of there. What the Fuck was I thinking?

We sat there for 10 minutes before I could even figure out how to get my feet out of the car in order to walk into the building. I went in first to tell them we were here. I called earlier and I was impressed they actually understood my info through my tears.

Fast forward to the end. She was gone. I can’t bare to relive in words but if you have ever had to do this then you know the drill. Cry, say goodbye, stop breathing, cry, hug and feel like the biggest piece of shit that you could not save her and then have to leave her body with strangers.

My heart hurts. My body hurts, my soul hurts. For me already struggling with anxiety and depression I worry about how to handle and how to move forward without a complete meltdown. Self care and listening to my body is key. I have been napping, crying we it pops up, eating comfort food and scrolling through the 1..2 million pictures of her on my phone. Laughing, snorting, crying and hurt all at once.

I know she is not suffering but I am. I’m being selfish and need her here. The apartment is lonely and weird without her. I have 3 other Frenchies who I love and adore but it’s not her and I only want her right now.

I keep telling myself grief is normal and I’m doing ok. I know I will be but I’m going to just sit with my pain for a while and listen to what I’m feeling.

Just wanted to pop on and get my thoughts out. Thank you for listening. Love you all.

XOXO

Amy

Author Stories

The scariest tale ever told

Since today is Halloween I would like to tell you a very scary story. Once so blood curdling that it will haunt you for years to come. You will think about me and wonder “Is that girl ok after all this or do we need to call someone.”

It all started this morning at the witching hour of 1am. For some reason I was not feeling the best and it was starting to get to the point where I try to ignore it or OMG I am going to throw up. I was undecided and laid in best a few minutes to make sure if it was messing with me or if it was actually going to happen. Let’s just say I didn’t make it a few minutes and it was happing. Like right Fucking now!

Now you can say to yourself..Ugh I hate that feeling and i’m sure most of you know that rush to the bathroom hoping you are going to make it.

Well I didn’t…

From the time I swung my legs off the bed and trying to stand up it started. Projectile type and not a little bit. I stand up and try and cover my mouth but IT’S STILL HAPPENING!!! I’m not sure I mentioned before but I have 4 dogs. 3 French Bulldogs and 1 feisty little Chihuahua. 2 of the 3 frenchies at this point were covered in my vomit. The 3rd one was trying to lick it off of them. I’m trying to still get to the bathroom and pushing the licker away from the other two. Then it gets worse.

WAY WORSE.

As I’m walking to the bathroom on my cold slippery floors I step in something slick and slimy and I immediately fall. HARD. What I stepped in was a pile of disgusting dog poop. Not solid by any means. Full on doggie diarrhea. Right in the middle of it was my foot. Then it gets worse.

WAY WORSE

When I hit the floor my hands also slid into another pile of dog poo. Then while I am laying on the floor realizing what just happened I realize I’m also laying in another pile underneath my back and it’s also in my hair. I’m covered in my own vomit and my dogs butt vomit. I’m just sitting there stunned. And what the hell..I throw up one more time just to seal the deal.

At this point I crawl to the shower and wash away the horror that just occurred. I have a walk in shower so all 3 Frenches can in the shower with me. Don’t judge. I needed them to get clean as well. We all shampooed and scrubbed and then scrubbed some more and once I feel like what took forever to get clean I was ready to tackle the actual shit show that was on my bedroom floor.

All clean and scarred for life

That took a whole other act of God to clean up. Surprisingly I missed two other piles I could of fell in so I counted that as a win. By now it’s 3am and I’m clean, the dogs are clean and the floor is all shiny and spotless. I crawl my tired ass back in bed. 3 Frenchie’s jump up and snuggle in and I think we ALL tried to forget what just happened to us.

Just when you think the night terrors are over, your alarm goes off early and with your lack of sleep you wake up feeling like you had an all nighter and had to bounce back quick. I wake up. Feel myself for any weird substances to be sure..step off the bed and also look around to make sure no other surprises are waiting for me. All clear.

I wobble to the bathroom all sleepy eyes and foggy. I sit down and right across from me I see this…

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Did I miss this last night? Did one of the dogs get so traumatized that they sleep walked their aggression out on the wall? Either way I’m pissed! They ripped the drywall and the baseboard. I can’t even tell you which one of the little shits did it but this dude sitting next to the wall was VERY nosy so I guess him. Isn’t like serial killers always traced back to the crime scene at least once? We are renting a small mountain town place so nothing is updated. Maybe they decided it was time we do some renovations. I was just watching Flip or Flop on HGTV before bed. Maybe they got inspired. I guess I can kiss my deposit goodbye as well. Maybe I can make a deal with the home owner if I can update it I can somewhat salvage my deposit. But who the hell am I kidding. I have 4 dogs. ( 3 are actually on the lease) and we are 3 months into a year. More shit will go down I’m sure.

Just to add one more nail to the coffin( see what I did there on Halloween) I get to work and one of my VIP clients told me I must have went to a Halloween party last night because I look rough. In my last post I described what I do for a living so the types I work with I’m guessing he meant it as concern or he just was an ass. Time will tell.

I feel better now that I have raided the Halloween candy at work. We have between 300-500 kids coming through today and I need to get my game face on. Although my counstume could be the scary lady that lived down the hall that you don’t want to mess with.

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!

Here is a picture of the Chihuahua who had no part in the fun last night. Such a good girl!!!

XOXO,

Amy