Author Stories

It’s the 4th of July and I am in panic mode

Hey All,

For most Americans, today is all about get togethers, BBQ’s, celebrating our countries birthday with a day off and ending the day with fireworks.

For me, this weekend is my annual checking myself into a fancy hotel, spa days and drinking myself sleepy until I’m sound asleep before I even hear a boom go off.

My name is Amy and I am 44 years old and I am completely terrified of fireworks. Yup. There I said it. Sudden loud noises have always been a fear of mine. Fireworks, thunder, cars backfiring, guns, horns, etc. I’ve been this way since I was a little girl and guess what? I never grew out of it as most people would say.

I have always tried to pinpoint where/when/why it started and I can only think of one possible thing. I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to laugh ok? When I was 4 or 5 my mom and her friend would go bowling on Saturday nights and her friends 16 year old son would always have to babysit me. Two single moms did what they could to have a few hours off so we were an unlikely pair. We would always be at our house since I was always sent to bed way earlier I felt probably so his 16 year old self could do what 16 year olds do. I was a pretty stubborn kid so as a punishment he did this..again don’t laugh ok? We had an extremely old microwave in the house. It wasn’t digital and it was a turn dial. And back in the day it wasn’t the little beeps you hear today…it was a super loud alarm and I was scared of it. So if I didn’t go to bed and stay there he told me he was going to set the microwave for 10 seconds and hold me there to watch the countdown. Some savage torture shit for a 5 year old. I called his bluff and the monster that he was did it. (ps. totally not a monster and we joke about it today) He held me still with my arm around my chest and 10. 9. 8. …. I was screaming and then BAM! it was so loud and scary and he know I would run right to bed after that. I mean it totally worked but for sure there had to be other way right. RIGHT?!?!?!

So I’m not totally sure if that was my trigger for loud noises but that’s really all I can remember. Fireworks, storms when I know they are coming I can plan. I’m currently in a hotel drinking my wine and will order a nice dinner then night night and wake up the next day knowing I made it though. There is always the asshole that has them leftover though and like to blow them off in my neighborhood for another few days. Those are the hard ones to plan for. For storms I am glued to the radar on my phone and when I think it’s time to hide I grab my headphones and turn up my music and hide in the bathroom farthest away from any outside walls or windows. Gotta have a system people. My friends joke that I need a human size Thunder Shirt that are for dogs.

I know my fears are not rational or even comparable to our military heroes. I always think of them this time of year as well. Some suffer from severe PTSD and fireworks can trigger so many things for them. I think of all the pets and wildlife that have no idea what the hell is happening as well.

I’m for sure not one of those that are trying to ban fireworks and take away peoples fun (I would do a little dance if it actually happened though). I want everyone to enjoy the holiday and eat themselves silly with BBQ. I am perfectly happy that I just got my facial and nails done and I’m watching bad reality housewives of somewhere with my fave bottle of wine. Oh and my dogs are here too and they get big bones later. We are doing it up people.

Happy 4th!

Xoxo,

Amy

Uncategorized

5 back in the day ads that actually ran that could not run today.

Hey all,

I was wasting time on the internet the other day and I came across this ad from 1974. Weyenberg Shoes thought that a kick ass pair of shoes will keep us where we belong. WTF?

So if us humans thought this was ok back then what other crazy shit could I find. Here are my top 5 that I saw and I’d like to see them try and get away with this stuff today.

5. 1951 Van Heusen wants us to know it’s a man’s world and gosh darn it we should be so lucky.. Just the sight of a mans tie will make sure bow down and serve you breakfast.

4. 1952 Was a time where we we dare serve our men stale coffee we may get spanked. Chase and Sandborn coffee tells us we better get our shit together or else.

3. 1953 Alcoa Aluminum came along and saved our asses from super hard bottles to open. If I may say you failed because I STILL can’t open most jars. Lies…All Lies.

2. Oh Volkswagen…implying that we will hit pretty much whatever when we are behind the wheel. Thank good it won’t cost so much. Just our self esteem.

and #1 my favorite

1969 Tipalet says if you flat our disrespect us and blow smoke in our faces we will follow you anywhere. Blueberry smoke….Yummy.

I show these in fun and know this would never fly today but if you think about it this really wasn’t that long ago. Don Draper at his finest hour.

Quick post today because I have dishes to do and the dogs will not learn how to vacuum and I need to get dinner started and put on a full face of make-up OR ELSE:)

xoxo

Amy

Author Stories

Who doesn’t love a good shit show?

shit·show/ˈSHitˌSHō/

VULGAR SLANG•US noun: shit show

  1. a situation or event marked by chaos or controversy.
  2. my life

Hey all,

I totally felt like I had to start my first blog post with what I say almost daily. It could be about me or others, but let’s face it..we all love a good shit show. That’s probably why you are here and why we are going to be best friends. I love you guys already. 

My name is Amy and that’s really all I can tell you for now. I’ll explain more on that in a future post. Unfortunately that’s a shit show that’s not so great but I’ll totally be transparent in due time.

Damn that sounds like an amazing cliffhanger. Crazy woman starts blog and has a mysterious past. Oooh I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

I have wanted to start this project for a while. I’ve been equal parts scared of putting myself out there and just plain life getting in my way. I initially wanted an outlet to get my thoughts out. To feel someone out there, anyone really, could hear me and I’d feel seen and heard. I needed that desperately. I mostly just wrote in a journal but I feel a bit stronger and a tad bit more brave. My guess is there are others like me out there that need an outlet. 

This blog is all about random thoughts, humorous observations, recovery, and lots of shit show topics that sometimes you just have to scream your favorite swear word of choice to get through the day, hour or minute. It’s ok. We are swearing with you. I’m not a professional writer and the grammar police will have a heyday with my writing style I’m sure. I’m just a lady who has gone through some shit and is ready to unpack it all and drink a glass of wine and laugh at funny things. It’s been a long time and I’m ready to get my life back.

Let‘s Fucking Go!

XoXo,

Amy