humor

It’s the 4th of July and I am in panic mode

Hey All,

For most Americans, today is all about get togethers, BBQ’s, celebrating our countries birthday with a day off and ending the day with fireworks.

For me, this weekend is my annual checking myself into a fancy hotel, spa days and drinking myself sleepy until I’m sound asleep before I even hear a boom go off.

My name is Amy and I am 44 years old and I am completely terrified of fireworks. Yup. There I said it. Sudden loud noises have always been a fear of mine. Fireworks, thunder, cars backfiring, guns, horns, etc. I’ve been this way since I was a little girl and guess what? I never grew out of it as most people would say.

I have always tried to pinpoint where/when/why it started and I can only think of one possible thing. I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to laugh ok? When I was 4 or 5 my mom and her friend would go bowling on Saturday nights and her friends 16 year old son would always have to babysit me. Two single moms did what they could to have a few hours off so we were an unlikely pair. We would always be at our house since I was always sent to bed way earlier I felt probably so his 16 year old self could do what 16 year olds do. I was a pretty stubborn kid so as a punishment he did this..again don’t laugh ok? We had an extremely old microwave in the house. It wasn’t digital and it was a turn dial. And back in the day it wasn’t the little beeps you hear today…it was a super loud alarm and I was scared of it. So if I didn’t go to bed and stay there he told me he was going to set the microwave for 10 seconds and hold me there to watch the countdown. Some savage torture shit for a 5 year old. I called his bluff and the monster that he was did it. (ps. totally not a monster and we joke about it today) He held me still with my arm around my chest and 10. 9. 8. …. I was screaming and then BAM! it was so loud and scary and he know I would run right to bed after that. I mean it totally worked but for sure there had to be other way right. RIGHT?!?!?!

So I’m not totally sure if that was my trigger for loud noises but that’s really all I can remember. Fireworks, storms when I know they are coming I can plan. I’m currently in a hotel drinking my wine and will order a nice dinner then night night and wake up the next day knowing I made it though. There is always the asshole that has them leftover though and like to blow them off in my neighborhood for another few days. Those are the hard ones to plan for. For storms I am glued to the radar on my phone and when I think it’s time to hide I grab my headphones and turn up my music and hide in the bathroom farthest away from any outside walls or windows. Gotta have a system people. My friends joke that I need a human size Thunder Shirt that are for dogs.

I know my fears are not rational or even comparable to our military heroes. I always think of them this time of year as well. Some suffer from severe PTSD and fireworks can trigger so many things for them. I think of all the pets and wildlife that have no idea what the hell is happening as well.

I’m for sure not one of those that are trying to ban fireworks and take away peoples fun (I would do a little dance if it actually happened though). I want everyone to enjoy the holiday and eat themselves silly with BBQ. I am perfectly happy that I just got my facial and nails done and I’m watching bad reality housewives of somewhere with my fave bottle of wine. Oh and my dogs are here too and they get big bones later. We are doing it up people.

Happy 4th!

Xoxo,

Amy

I’m Weird and I Do Weird Stuff: A Confession

So I’ve posted some extremely personal stories in the past. Some so raw I needed a minute after I hit that publish button. This one is still personal but I’m going to put my weirdness on blast and I guess that’s just as scary since I’ve never really talked about my quirks post Domestic Violence. 

A lot of my weirdness has come out of survival. Some I developed after the abuse, but all of these are for sure newish.  A lot of them I think are based on control. My story was I was controlled in every aspect of my life. The things I developed were my way of controlling just little things and it got me through. 

But why still do it? I think it’s that stat that if you do something repetitive for a while it just becomes second nature. I don’t have to do these things anymore but it’s just almost a comfort thing I guess. 

My top 5 things I do that’s weird but comforting:)

  1. My daily bathroom routine.  

 Each and everyday when I get ready I take EVERYTHING out I will use and line it up on the counter. Every face product, hair product, make up, brushes, oral care, lotions, EVERYTHING!!! The counter looks like I’m a hoarder and it’s covered with no space to space. Not to mention I bring all my underwear things, clothes, accessories and shoes in with me as well. I’m walking out of this bathroom 100% ready.  

Getting fully ready meant I was alone longer in the bathroom. Alone time was my only time that I could breathe so more time was super important to me. 

Also I felt safer being naked and getting dressed behind a door. 

With all the products out on the counter I could visually see what I had to do still. On days when I was in such bad shape every task felt like a mountain to climb. But if I put lotion on I put the bottle away. Brushed my teeth.. I put away the toothpaste, mouthwash and brush. After each task the counter got less cluttered and what I had left to do seemed less and less. It kept me going and taking one thing at a time. I was in control and I was getting shit done:)

I STILL do this today. It’s such a part of my daily routine that it would probably throw me off if I didn’t it differently.  I will always check bathroom counters for space potential in any new place I live:)

  1.  The Alphabet game

         I have a weird habit of “finding” the alphabet when I get nervous or feel a panic attack coming on. It started when I was alone in a Dr office after being injured where I needed medical attention. I knew I was going to have to lie but was so uncomfortable being there. I started looking around the room and found a letter A on the wall. Then B then C. I just kept going to take my mind off everything. J’s are always the hardest. But I still do this everytime I’m in a room at the Dr. 

I’ve also done it in the shower when I’ve been so defeated and need an escape. The shower was always my place of safety so I did it to calm down. Finding the letters on shampoo bottles or body washes.

3. Counting semi trucks

When I’m driving long distances I set a goal of how many Semi trucks I can find. Back in my relationship we would always travel long distances when we moved so often and I wasn’t allowed to talk in the car. To keep my mind from going crazy and keep me present I would count the semi’s. I’d see when the next big city would be on the interstate and make a goal to see how many I could see before we get there. I don’t do this as often anymore but I still notice them all while driving. I just don’t keep track.

4. Worst case game

We may all have done this to some degree but I tend to do this a bit too much. Something will pop up that worries me and I will start thinking of all the possibilities of what could go wrong. Something so simple as I have a headache will for sure lead to death in my mind. A check engine light will automatically leave me stranded on the road at night and I’ll get murdered by a random passerby. If I’m worried about a bill, I will become homeless living in my car. That’s if they don’t repo it. Then I’ll be living in a tent until someone steals that and then I’ll be out in the rain. See what I mean? I can go on and on with so many levels. These days it’s more comedy relief but I still do it. Back in the day I would think worst case and try to make a plan for whatever could happen. It just gave me a little bit more of control.

5. On time like by an hour

This one is probably my most annoying one for the others in my life. I get huge anxiety about being late for anything. So much so I’ll leave almost 2 hours early just to be there an hour early to sit in the car. If I’m alone it’s no big deal but if you can imagine how it goes with my current boyfriend you are probably just as annoyed as he gets. I’m always rushing and moving him along and then he gives me the look like “ITS 2 FUCKING HOURS EARLY”. Then we laugh and laugh. Haha. Just kidding. I’ll back off but internally I’m stressing we are going to be late. 

The one time we cut it close because of traffic or who know what I’m extra validated in why we need to leave early. But that only happens like once out of hardly ever but damn it if I don’t use it. 

Well there I spilled all my dirty little quirks for the Internet to see. I know I’m not alone in the weird category so if you dare share!!! I’d love to hear yours!

Xoxo 

Amy

Thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions

If thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions were an Olympic sport I WOULD DOMINATE on a global scale. It’s my go too, My wheelhouse, my comfort zone. Is it wrong? Hell yes it’s wrong..but can I stop? No way.

I always joke that I can go from sniffles to death on a simple google search. I can take a minor thing like not texting back right away to them being mad and hating me. If my boss asks to chat with me quick I automatically think I’m getting fired.

Just yesterday I picked up my guy at the airport. I typically get out of the drivers side to go to the passenger side so he can drive. After I pop the truck and get out so he can put his bags in the back we typically meet in the middle somewhere Iwhile I am going around and hug and kiss as a welcome home I love and miss you gesture. This time he walked right into the car and buckled up. No kiss, no hug NOTHING. I of course think the worst. OMG he is mad, he hates me, he’s going to break up with me in the car, He’s got bad news…blah blah blah. I run through EVERYTHING before I even get in the passengers seat. Meanwhile he’s all like what’s your deal while I run through all my feats with him before he pulls away from the curb. I panic and he’s like oh sorry..I was just getting in the car no biggie. He immediately calms my fears and we go about our day like nothing ever happened.

I’m highly aware how exhausting I must be, always having to reassure me the sky is not falling. I really do try and let things play out without a freak-out but if my anxiety is already at a high there is no stopping the panic.

But why do I do this? My therapist says it’s because I have had a lot of loss in my life. Like I need to make sure nothing else happens. Also because of my past abuse I always think I’m in trouble or in the wrong so I need to hurry up and figure out what’s happening so I can brace for impact of bad things and possibly try and fix it. Meanwhile the other person simply forgot to text back. It probably is just a small cold or in my guys case just wanted to get in the car.

So what can we do to try and stop the spiral? Here are the things that I do. It’s still a work in progress obviously but I do try and practice these steps.

  1. Stop Time Traveling– Most of the thoughts I have would be happening in the future. The what if’s. What if I fail? What if he’s going to be mad? What if I see a pretty cloud and am looking up and then get hit by a huge bus and DIE? If we take a minute to think in the present. We can maybe slow our roll. Maybe look at the clouds AND check traffic. Maybe wait and see if he or she is mad before you keep pestering them by asking IF they are mad. Fun Fact: It will probably make them mad if you keep asking.

2. Play out the worst case- So if you must go down the dark path of what if’s.. Then let’s go there. What if you fail? Ok we fail. Do we try again, move on or work harder and figure out what went wrong. What if he’s mad? Ok he’s PISSED. What can we do to make it better? Let’s apologize and figure out where we went wrong so it’s not an issue moving forward. Clouds and getting hit by a bus. Maybe we get everything in a secure place for our loved ones. Let’s not take the day for granted. Let’s always put our best foot forward and live for the moment. Unless that one foot is the foot that get’s you hit by a bus:) By playing it out you take back a little control and will know exactly what to do if the worst does come. You can totally let out a I TOLD YOU SO as well if it makes you happy.

3. Play out the best case- It’s the same game as above but with the better outcome. Again either way you are going to be in control with whatever way it pans out.

4. Would you say this out loud? With the likes like the sniffles turning into a rare illness that will kill you in 6 months. Would you actually tell someone that? Out Loud? With things that can be a little out there I always ask myself that question to see if I’m willing to share my paranoia with others. If it’s my guy I’m more prone to blurt it out since he knows how my head works. If it’s a co worker and telling them my sniffles is going to kill me in 6 months so I’m gifting you my stapler is a bit harder. If it’s hard to sat to other people maybe take a step back and think to yourself am I making this a HUGE deal when it’s in the nothing stage yet.

5. Journal- Sometimes all the steps above are no match for anxiety. I have found that journaling or writing down the fears can have a positive impact. I play the best/worst case on paper so I can see just how outrageous it can be when I read it back. This blog is a bit of a helpful tool for me as well. I know if I write it down others can read. It’s a gut check sometimes.

Everyone is different is how they handle things. Some people are full on jumpers like me and others it’s just a quick thought and then they move on. Wherever you land on the scale just know that we all have moments like this. It’s just how you handle them that makes a difference.

The one thing I found that can help is once I play out worst case I can typically laugh at it so I thought we could all share (if your comfortable) our funniest worst case/ jumping to conclusions moments.

Here’s mine:

I dated a man that lived out of town and when he would come stay with me he always brought a little duffle bag with him for the weekend. One weekend he came and he had a lock on the bag. I’m not one to really go through peoples stuff but I was so worried why all of a sudden he had a lock on the bag. Why? What the eff was in there? Why now? Why can’t you be open and honest with me? Are they murder supplies like a knife and a tarp to hide my body? My thoughts got to the point where I finally had to confront my future murderer. He then opened the lock to the bag and pulled out a fancy blue tiffany’s box and presented me with my DAMN BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Yes folks, I confronted him on my birthday. He put the lock on it because he wanted the gift to be secure while he was traveling. UGH. I’m an idiot.

Ok your next. What have you done when you should of just slowed down and walked through everything?

XOXO

Amy

How to handle being alone on a holiday

Hi all,

Today is Easter and I’m alone. My boo thang had to be in a different state for work so I’m rocking the holiday by myself. It took me a bit to be fine saying that but here I am being a grown ass woman letting you know I’m ok with being alone on a holiday. That was not always the case.

Would I rather have a huge Easter dinner and dress up in cute outfits and be around friends and family and eat chocolate bunnies ears first? HELL YES I would. Sometimes things just don’t pan out the way you would like them too.

Over the course of my career I’ve had to work many holidays. For some reason I always felt that was easier than being alone at home. Something to keep my mind busy and just almost think that it’s just another day and no big deal. But when you are alone and you have the day off it is a bit harder to take. I would always hate the dreaded questions ” What are you doing for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years?” Sometimes I would just make things up instead of having to hear myself say nothing. A quick going to see family or my friend invited me over to her house would stop follow up questions.

At my very worst mental state I would dread holidays. I would get so depressed. I would see all the fun activities and events and even though I could have dragged my ass out to them I was having a pity party of 1 at home. I longed for the set dinner tables, the traditional food and the fun and festive atmosphere of people around me.

Now it seems I’m a bit older and wiser and on the right about of meds (hahaha) I can totally do a holiday alone and be fine. Do I still prefer the social part yes but here are a few things I have done over the years to enjoy the days a bit more.

  1. Volunteer

Just because it is a holiday doesn’t mean shelters, services and people in need take the day off. If you find yourself alone and are wanting to get out of the house try and find an organization that could use you for the day. Over the years I have served dinners at homeless shelters, brought Easter baskets to a women’s shelter for their kids, walked dogs at an animal shelter and delivered boxes of food for the elderly that may be alone as well but needed a bit of holiday cheer. You are helping others but are also helping yourself if your struggling mentally with your own holiday sadness. Here is a website you can go to to check on volunteer opportunities in your area. Just type in your city and zip code and you will all things locally.

https://www.volunteermatch.org/

2. Find a local fun run or 5K

Try and look to see if your area has a fun holiday event you can take part in. There is always a fun run or 5K around somewhere. They tend to be holiday themed with fun costumes and festive atmosphere. They always say if your feeling down a good walk or exercise to get the blood pumping can do wonders to boot a mood. You may not know all the people around you but just being in a fun environment will do wonders plus a little exercise couldn’t hurt.

3. Cook your favorite holiday meal

Just because you are by yourself doesn’t mean you can’t have a feast of your favorite holiday traditions. I am the absolute worst cook but even if I can’t make things myself I will go buy at least a few things. Just because you are alone doesn’t mean you can’t have a large amount of pie:)

4. Make the day a ME day

Places may be closed but you can plan ahead and have yourself a little spa day at a day spa or a DIY day at home. The 4th of July for me is my worst holiday. I am embarrassed to admit but I am terrified of fireworks. I’m like a dog and all I want to do is crawl under the bed and hide. So my new and fantastic tradition I do every year is check myself into a really expensive hotel and do a spa day and eat room service and watch horrible reality TV shows all weekend. When the fireworks start at nighttime I’m already a bottle of wine in and I’ll fall asleep around 8. That’s my thing but you could totally pick and start new traditions for yourself.

5. Try not to stress about it

I type this with it being easier said than done. All I’m trying to say with this one is try not to dwell too much on things that your not doing. If your missing some traditions and it makes you sad do a few to keep you in the spirit. Don’t feel forced to do them if it’s just going to make you miss anything. Start your own traditions. Do your own thing and if you want to wear bunny ears just for your dog that’s fine. You do you! The day is just another day and tomorrow will also be another day.

For those of you celebrating with friends and family today enjoy! To those of you like me that are alone today I urge you to pick one thing that makes you happy and go do it, or eat it or just take a nap. It’s your day to do whatever you want. ENJOY IT!

XOXO,

Amy

Daylights Saving Time and how it effects your body.

Hey all,

I know I’m late on this one but lets chat about the crazy thing that happens twice a year that makes us cranky, moody and tired. Daylights Savings Time is not ever a surprise and we know it’s coming but damn if it doesn’t creep up and bite you in the ass at 4pm when all you want to do is go to sleep.

My thing is why does it actually make you so tired losing an hour when we all have had way less nights of sleep. This just seems worse and hard to adjust too right?

Every time it comes around so many people talk about it and complain and I know this time the Senate actually passed a bill to end it..but will it make a difference?

I know that losing/gaining an hour and having sunsets and sunrises mess with sleep schedules and they are the least of our world problems but studies have shown it does take a toll on the body.

Here are a few things I found on this thing called Google

  1. With DST, between March and November, your body is exposed to less morning light and more evening light, which can throw off your circadian rhythm,” When your internal clock is out of sync with the sun’s clock, you can feel tired in the morning and awake in the evening.

2. According to the American Heart Association, in addition to the fatigue, the transition can also affect your heart and brain. Hospital admissions for an irregular heartbeat pattern known as atrial fibrillation, as well as heart attacks and strokes, increase in the first few days of daylight saving time.

3. Losing an hour of afternoon daylight after setting the clocks back to standard time can trigger mental illness, including bipolar disorder, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression. A Danish study found an 11% increase in depression cases after the time change.

4. A 2020 study found fatal traffic accidents increased by 6% in the United States during daylight saving time.

Then I found this gem…

Strange as it may seem, Daylight Saving Time might mean you find yourself in more serious legal trouble. According to a 2016 study from the Association for Psychological Science, judges hand out harsher sentences the day after the DST switch.

So basically if you get arrested the judge is going to be cranky like the rest of us so your fate is in the hands of a sleep deprived, moody judge. Good luck folks:)

So what do you think? Are you a fan or hate it or indifferent? I think it’s just the norm now and we all power though but do you think it’s a good idea to do away with it completely?

XOXO

Amy

.

5 back in the day ads that actually ran that could not run today.

Hey all,

I was wasting time on the internet the other day and I came across this ad from 1974. Weyenberg Shoes thought that a kick ass pair of shoes will keep us where we belong. WTF?

So if us humans thought this was ok back then what other crazy shit could I find. Here are my top 5 that I saw and I’d like to see them try and get away with this stuff today.

5. 1951 Van Heusen wants us to know it’s a man’s world and gosh darn it we should be so lucky.. Just the sight of a mans tie will make sure bow down and serve you breakfast.

4. 1952 Was a time where we we dare serve our men stale coffee we may get spanked. Chase and Sandborn coffee tells us we better get our shit together or else.

3. 1953 Alcoa Aluminum came along and saved our asses from super hard bottles to open. If I may say you failed because I STILL can’t open most jars. Lies…All Lies.

2. Oh Volkswagen…implying that we will hit pretty much whatever when we are behind the wheel. Thank good it won’t cost so much. Just our self esteem.

and #1 my favorite

1969 Tipalet says if you flat our disrespect us and blow smoke in our faces we will follow you anywhere. Blueberry smoke….Yummy.

I show these in fun and know this would never fly today but if you think about it this really wasn’t that long ago. Don Draper at his finest hour.

Quick post today because I have dishes to do and the dogs will not learn how to vacuum and I need to get dinner started and put on a full face of make-up OR ELSE:)

xoxo

Amy

Baby It’s Cold Outside: Creeper anthem or just a holiday classic

Hey all,

It’s that time of year again where everyone brings up this song and if it’s the date rape theme song for all creepers. It’s been debated over and over so I’m not going to get into all the arguments but more the take of a domestic violence victim.

As someone who has been through some “stuff” I have to admit the song really doesn’t bother me much. Some would think I’d be waving my hands up in the air and saying it’s super offensive and we need to cancel all the things that it plays on. To be honest I’m just indifferent.

As a kid I remember hearing it all the time and singing along not really understanding why the guy wants her to stay. As a grown ass woman I now understand that a man has needs but is he going about it the right way? Men begging is never going to change and in a playful way it’s kind of cute.

Some may say the lady is protesting too much because back in the day it was frowned upon to stay over as an unmarried woman. If that is the case I’m sad she felt that way. If she wanted to get it on while it’s snowing out the window she should have that right. But I will say if that dude tries anything funny she should dropkick his ass and walk out the door.

In the video of the song it does give off a bit of a creeper vibe though. I’ll chalk one up to the creepers in that aspect. But the chorography is fantastic.

John Legend and Kelly Clarkson remade the song into a more PC less rapey version which I think is good. Two powerhouses coming together can’t be all bad but it’s still not giving me that classic feel from the original.

So what do you guys think? I will never downplay anyone’s feelings about the song. Triggers are real and can be brought on by many different things. Just my old school Christmas nostalgia kicks in and I like the original. But please know if anyone gets any weird ideas keeping me from leaving in a snowstorm we will have problems:)

I truly am OBSESSED with the holidays and I hope you all are enjoying the magic as well. It can be hard for some so please reach out if you need an ear. I’ll have my antlers on!

XOXO

Amy

Christmas decorations too soon?

To that I scream a loud HELL NO!!!!

I know there are distinct holidays and each one should be celebrated accordingly but damn if I don’t love a good Christmas tub opening and putting up all my favorite things.

Recently Mariah Carey showed us her smashing pumpkins that said it’s not time…letting us know it IS FREAKING TIME. Get that shit out of the garage and put up your lights with pride people.

My favorite thing to do is pull out all the things I so sadly had to put away last year. I crank on our fake fireplace and put on a cheesy in a good way Hallmark movie. Make a cup of my favorite holiday blend coffee with peppermint creamer and get to work. This year I am in a smaller temp housing situation so I can’t go all out but in Christmas’s of yore I have been known to have like 5 to 6 trees. Why not have one in EVERY DAMN ROOM! You want a tree in the kitchen?..Cool. Want to fall asleep with the twinkly lights by your bed?..I got you girl, let’s get that tree in your bedroom. Do you feel like you just can’t go to the bathroom without a mini tree on the counter..Ok, I would want my guest to feel comfortable so let’s do it. Bottom line, Christmas used to take up pretty much my whole garage space.

Don’t get me started on the villages. OMG the mini house villages. This is where I shine people. If I have the space, a freaking Christmas town will be born. Snow, lights, mini people and dogs. I live for this shit. I would usually pick up a few new ones at after Christmas day sales along with whatever else I could find. If you see a fuzzy baby deer with a buffalo plaid pattern I mean you just can’t leave it at the store when it’s 75% off. That’s just silly.

I am fortunate enough to have a partner that loves Christmas too but if Buddy the Elf was single I would totally make a play for him. My guy just nods and says ok when I ask him to take the FULL day to bring in the Christmas stuff and dump it in the living room. He knows it’s game time and makes a drop off and gets out of the way. Lights, Trees, Villages, Stockings and whatever else I can throw out I will. Half way through the day I will need to make a Target run for coffee and because I need a ribbon for this, and some extra fake snow for that. It has to look amazing before I put the tubs back in the garage. I can at least put the empty less heavy ones back. I’m a team player after all.

Then let’s get into the movies, concert specials, the tree lighting and having my car set on the XM Christmas channel from NOW until they take it away from me kicking and screaming. Maybe there have been times I have been belting out Christmas jams at a red light. The scrooges come out with those dirty looks. My new obsession though is the ABC show Christmas Light Fight. If you haven’t seen it you need to get on board. They basically have two families that are obsessed with Christmas and they pair them up against each other to see who has the most Christmas cheer. Like these guys go all out. Look at some of these pics…I would totally die of happiness and die from my power bill. But so worth it.

I’m also that girl that gets Amazon alerts on all things Christmas. I have a few things on my list. Because my life is not complete without a life-size Grinch in my living room. I HAVE TO HAVE IT. Here he is below in all his green glory.

Do you and your family have any traditions you do each year? When I was younger our family had a Christmas eve ritual. We would have our amazing dinner cooked my my grandmother. She would be in the kitchen all day making everyone favorite dishes. Then we would sit down to eat around 6ish. Clearing the table, washing dishes and putting everything away was torture for a kid. We didn’t open anything until everything was done. Time moved so slow back in the day:) Once everyone was full and had drinks and got into comfy pj’s it was my time to shine. I was an only child AND grandchild when I was little so my job was to hand out the gifts. One by one I would deliver the gifts to everyone. It seemed we always had to sit in the same spots each year. Once all the gifts were handed out it was GO TIME. Our tradition was youngest to oldest is how we opened gifts. Thank god I was always the youngest since it was pure torture not to get those bad boys opened. One by one I would rip open everything. Someone was always writing down what the gift was and who it was from so we could send thank you cards later. Once I was done it always went to the next youngest. But honestly what did I care.. I was surrounded by toys and didn’t give a shit what was happening next. I was in full play mode. My poor grandfather always sat there patient and waiting. He always went last but all he ever wanted was anything with a Minnesota Viking logo on it. SKOL!

I am not naïve that the holidays can be a tough time for many. Losing loved one, financial hardships and worrying about food insecurity and making magic for the kiddos in your life. Being alone and far from loved ones. As much as I’m blessed I know things can be hard. Just wanted to remind everyone that so many things can happen in ones life that can take a downturn. If you are able, let’s all reach out and spread a little cheer in our own communities and quite possibly make a Christmas unforgettable for someone that could use a little bit of holiday magic.

I’d love to hear about your own traditons and maybe we can start some new ones.

This really is a magical time. Let’s enjoy and spread cheer to others this holiday season.

XoXo

Amy

The scariest tale ever told

Since today is Halloween I would like to tell you a very scary story. Once so blood curdling that it will haunt you for years to come. You will think about me and wonder “Is that girl ok after all this or do we need to call someone.”

It all started this morning at the witching hour of 1am. For some reason I was not feeling the best and it was starting to get to the point where I try to ignore it or OMG I am going to throw up. I was undecided and laid in best a few minutes to make sure if it was messing with me or if it was actually going to happen. Let’s just say I didn’t make it a few minutes and it was happing. Like right Fucking now!

Now you can say to yourself..Ugh I hate that feeling and i’m sure most of you know that rush to the bathroom hoping you are going to make it.

Well I didn’t…

From the time I swung my legs off the bed and trying to stand up it started. Projectile type and not a little bit. I stand up and try and cover my mouth but IT’S STILL HAPPENING!!! I’m not sure I mentioned before but I have 4 dogs. 3 French Bulldogs and 1 feisty little Chihuahua. 2 of the 3 frenchies at this point were covered in my vomit. The 3rd one was trying to lick it off of them. I’m trying to still get to the bathroom and pushing the licker away from the other two. Then it gets worse.

WAY WORSE.

As I’m walking to the bathroom on my cold slippery floors I step in something slick and slimy and I immediately fall. HARD. What I stepped in was a pile of disgusting dog poop. Not solid by any means. Full on doggie diarrhea. Right in the middle of it was my foot. Then it gets worse.

WAY WORSE

When I hit the floor my hands also slid into another pile of dog poo. Then while I am laying on the floor realizing what just happened I realize I’m also laying in another pile underneath my back and it’s also in my hair. I’m covered in my own vomit and my dogs butt vomit. I’m just sitting there stunned. And what the hell..I throw up one more time just to seal the deal.

At this point I crawl to the shower and wash away the horror that just occurred. I have a walk in shower so all 3 Frenches can in the shower with me. Don’t judge. I needed them to get clean as well. We all shampooed and scrubbed and then scrubbed some more and once I feel like what took forever to get clean I was ready to tackle the actual shit show that was on my bedroom floor.

All clean and scarred for life

That took a whole other act of God to clean up. Surprisingly I missed two other piles I could of fell in so I counted that as a win. By now it’s 3am and I’m clean, the dogs are clean and the floor is all shiny and spotless. I crawl my tired ass back in bed. 3 Frenchie’s jump up and snuggle in and I think we ALL tried to forget what just happened to us.

Just when you think the night terrors are over, your alarm goes off early and with your lack of sleep you wake up feeling like you had an all nighter and had to bounce back quick. I wake up. Feel myself for any weird substances to be sure..step off the bed and also look around to make sure no other surprises are waiting for me. All clear.

I wobble to the bathroom all sleepy eyes and foggy. I sit down and right across from me I see this…

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Did I miss this last night? Did one of the dogs get so traumatized that they sleep walked their aggression out on the wall? Either way I’m pissed! They ripped the drywall and the baseboard. I can’t even tell you which one of the little shits did it but this dude sitting next to the wall was VERY nosy so I guess him. Isn’t like serial killers always traced back to the crime scene at least once? We are renting a small mountain town place so nothing is updated. Maybe they decided it was time we do some renovations. I was just watching Flip or Flop on HGTV before bed. Maybe they got inspired. I guess I can kiss my deposit goodbye as well. Maybe I can make a deal with the home owner if I can update it I can somewhat salvage my deposit. But who the hell am I kidding. I have 4 dogs. ( 3 are actually on the lease) and we are 3 months into a year. More shit will go down I’m sure.

Just to add one more nail to the coffin( see what I did there on Halloween) I get to work and one of my VIP clients told me I must have went to a Halloween party last night because I look rough. In my last post I described what I do for a living so the types I work with I’m guessing he meant it as concern or he just was an ass. Time will tell.

I feel better now that I have raided the Halloween candy at work. We have between 300-500 kids coming through today and I need to get my game face on. Although my counstume could be the scary lady that lived down the hall that you don’t want to mess with.

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!

Here is a picture of the Chihuahua who had no part in the fun last night. Such a good girl!!!

XOXO,

Amy

Reason number #237 why I’m doing life wrong

Hey all,

Most days I go about my day and living life and think..ok I have food, a roof over my head and I’m not walking around naked so I have to be doing ok right? RIGHT!?!?!?!

Then other days I see or do something for others and I’m like where did I go so wrong. HAHAHAHA.

For the last 20 years I have worked in the VIP sports realm and now I work in VIP hospitality. I could totally write a book on things I’ve seen or things I’ve had to do for people. Sneaking girlfriends past wives at football games, adding a bit more vodka into an owners “water cup”, going to pick up a diamond ring from a jeweler that costs maybe 10 years of my salary along with a necklace for the girlfriend AND wife. All I can say is cheating is SUPER expensive.

Don’t get me wrong I love the people that I have worked with in the past and have been rewarded very generously for it. Lots of thanks you and birthday cards and lots of bottle of boozed have been sent my way. So that part is fantastic, but I am human and sometimes I get requests that are a just a bit wonky. Like WTF?

Today I learned that a cat has a better life than me no matter how hard I try. I will call her Boo Boo kitty. Boo Boo Kitty’s family called me this morning and requested I book Miss Thang a private car from the airport to their vacation cabin in Aspen. The family flew private they had their own car and Boo Boo got it’s own car following them. Not only did Boo Boo kitty get it’s own private car but the radio had to be set to NPR due to the calming effect AND the driver had to pull over a few times to pet it and give it treats for it’s anxiety. An this my friends is why I’m doing life wrong.

XOXO

Amy