Author Stories

It’s the 4th of July and I am in panic mode

Advertisements

Hey All,

For most Americans, today is all about get togethers, BBQ’s, celebrating our countries birthday with a day off and ending the day with fireworks.

For me, this weekend is my annual checking myself into a fancy hotel, spa days and drinking myself sleepy until I’m sound asleep before I even hear a boom go off.

My name is Amy and I am 44 years old and I am completely terrified of fireworks. Yup. There I said it. Sudden loud noises have always been a fear of mine. Fireworks, thunder, cars backfiring, guns, horns, etc. I’ve been this way since I was a little girl and guess what? I never grew out of it as most people would say.

I have always tried to pinpoint where/when/why it started and I can only think of one possible thing. I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to laugh ok? When I was 4 or 5 my mom and her friend would go bowling on Saturday nights and her friends 16 year old son would always have to babysit me. Two single moms did what they could to have a few hours off so we were an unlikely pair. We would always be at our house since I was always sent to bed way earlier I felt probably so his 16 year old self could do what 16 year olds do. I was a pretty stubborn kid so as a punishment he did this..again don’t laugh ok? We had an extremely old microwave in the house. It wasn’t digital and it was a turn dial. And back in the day it wasn’t the little beeps you hear today…it was a super loud alarm and I was scared of it. So if I didn’t go to bed and stay there he told me he was going to set the microwave for 10 seconds and hold me there to watch the countdown. Some savage torture shit for a 5 year old. I called his bluff and the monster that he was did it. (ps. totally not a monster and we joke about it today) He held me still with my arm around my chest and 10. 9. 8. …. I was screaming and then BAM! it was so loud and scary and he know I would run right to bed after that. I mean it totally worked but for sure there had to be other way right. RIGHT?!?!?!

So I’m not totally sure if that was my trigger for loud noises but that’s really all I can remember. Fireworks, storms when I know they are coming I can plan. I’m currently in a hotel drinking my wine and will order a nice dinner then night night and wake up the next day knowing I made it though. There is always the asshole that has them leftover though and like to blow them off in my neighborhood for another few days. Those are the hard ones to plan for. For storms I am glued to the radar on my phone and when I think it’s time to hide I grab my headphones and turn up my music and hide in the bathroom farthest away from any outside walls or windows. Gotta have a system people. My friends joke that I need a human size Thunder Shirt that are for dogs.

I know my fears are not rational or even comparable to our military heroes. I always think of them this time of year as well. Some suffer from severe PTSD and fireworks can trigger so many things for them. I think of all the pets and wildlife that have no idea what the hell is happening as well.

I’m for sure not one of those that are trying to ban fireworks and take away peoples fun (I would do a little dance if it actually happened though). I want everyone to enjoy the holiday and eat themselves silly with BBQ. I am perfectly happy that I just got my facial and nails done and I’m watching bad reality housewives of somewhere with my fave bottle of wine. Oh and my dogs are here too and they get big bones later. We are doing it up people.

Happy 4th!

Xoxo,

Amy

Author Stories, Business

Faking it until you emotionally make it.

Advertisements

Hey all,

I’m Amy. I’m a business owner, significant other, dog mom, lover of bad reality tv,blogger,and a goal to open a domestic violence non profit. 

ALSO

I’m Amy. My business is on the verge of collapse. My significant other and I struggle at times from my DV past. My dogs poop on the floor when angry. I can spend a depression filled workday in front of the TV comparing myself to housewives from cities I’ve never been to. My blog only has 26 followers and my goal of a domestic violence non profit is only a goal because I haven’t started on it yet due to feeling overwhelmed. 

Same person and both are true. One is just a bit more in depth on the original statement. A bit more negative for sure. 

If you read the first statement it sounds like I’m living the dream and accomplished a lot. In reality I’m struggling with things and not where I need to be. 

Both are ok. 

I’m still working to save my online business so I’m technically still a business owner. My dream of opening a shelter is very much real it just has steps to it and will not be an overnight thing. 

What I do know is I can be quite hard on myself so the second introduction is what I feel most days. The ugly truth. 

I’m actually trying to do better and see myself as the 1st paragraph. I say fake it but it’s still my truth but faking my emotional state until things are a bit better helps me get through the hard stuff. 

I still struggle with hard business facts but I do remind myself that I’ve survived some bigger challenges than this so I know I can turn it around. 

Not a ton to say today but just a personal reminder to myself you can do it and so can all of you. 

Also if your a small business owner send me an email and I’ll take a peak at your pages. 

Xoxo

Amy

Author Stories, Mental Health, Uncategorized

Why taking a break is ok

Advertisements

Hey all,

It’s been a while but I really needed a much needed break. A break from everything really. I’ve talked about good days and bad days before. How triggers can completely transform a good day to a I need to lay down and hide under a blanket day. I really get so frustrated and can’t understand how I wake up so motivated to take on life and important projects and then one thing effs up my whole day. Then I feel I wasted good working hours and nothing gets done. 

I know I’m not the only one that goes through this crazy cycle. I am in many groups where we all vent about it. Wanting to conquer the world but can’t get out of bed to start.

I felt I needed to take a step back and recharge. Turn off every outlet into my brain. Like a huge surge protector plug In and I just clicked it off and everything went dark. 

I felt I was getting overwhelmed by the smallest little tasks. Crying because I knocked over a pen holder and they flew everywhere. Getting to Target and forgetting my shopping list and could not remember 1 thing on it.

I was completely stressing myself out because I was not getting what I needed to get done and panic set in and then the internal name calling and then shutting down completely. 

For the past few weeks I have been slowing down the pace of things. Makings lists to keep me on track but also with achievable goals. If I get one thing crossed off I do a little dance and pat myself on the back and take a minute to acknowledge I accomplished something. 

To many times I have dwelled on all the things I haven’t done but forget the things I actually did finish. Yes, there are many things that are still on my list but did I cross off the worst one first. Hell yeah!! Did you cross off two small ones but had to add 3 more. No biggie girl! It’s fluid. For me the main thing is to know things are getting done in a healthy way and I’m going to try not to stress that things are still there. 

Think of your to do list as just a reminder of things that can be done. DO NOT THINK IT HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW. Nothing wrong with having an ongoing master list that you keep adding to. You are the one in control of which one gets done first and which ones can wait. It does not control you. 

I know what I’m saying is not anything new or some ah ha moment but this post really is just a reminder to me and anyone who needs it that’s it’s going to be ok. 

Just breathe, take a minute or a freaking few weeks, regroup and come back rested and ready to do the best you can. That’s all that matters. 

Xoxo

Amy

Mental Health

Losing Naomi Judd

Advertisements

Hey all,

It took me a minute but I did want to address the passing of Naomi Judd.

First and foremost it’s a loss. She and her daughter Wynonna were a huge part of my childhood since their songs were always playing in the house. Big voices, big personalities and big hair. I was totally on board.

Naomi was completely open about her struggle with mental illness. She talked about while she was on the road she felt alive but the quiet times at home is when the bad thoughts set in. She was what they have called treatment resistant. Trying everything and nothing will break though.

I’m on 3 different meds and I’m still not 100% sure it’s the right mix but fighting to find it can be exhausting.

The one thing that kind of got me was the wording of her passing. “We lost our beautiful mother to the disease of mental illness” I thought for someone who was so open about her struggles about her mental health and suicide thoughts they would have come right out and say that was what happened. I understand they were protecting their mothers legacy but it could also be a teaching and large platform for the prevention of these types of things.

Of course it has come out today that it was for sure suicide. I also understand as a non family member we are not obligated an answer. The pain the family is in is unbearable. So we mourn with them.

RIP Naomi. Rest easy and we will always remember the voice and the voice you had for others like you.

xoxoxo

Amy

If you or someone you know needs help…It’s there and it’s ok to call or text or message.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Mental Health

How to handle being alone on a holiday

Advertisements

Hi all,

Today is Easter and I’m alone. My boo thang had to be in a different state for work so I’m rocking the holiday by myself. It took me a bit to be fine saying that but here I am being a grown ass woman letting you know I’m ok with being alone on a holiday. That was not always the case.

Would I rather have a huge Easter dinner and dress up in cute outfits and be around friends and family and eat chocolate bunnies ears first? HELL YES I would. Sometimes things just don’t pan out the way you would like them too.

Over the course of my career I’ve had to work many holidays. For some reason I always felt that was easier than being alone at home. Something to keep my mind busy and just almost think that it’s just another day and no big deal. But when you are alone and you have the day off it is a bit harder to take. I would always hate the dreaded questions ” What are you doing for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years?” Sometimes I would just make things up instead of having to hear myself say nothing. A quick going to see family or my friend invited me over to her house would stop follow up questions.

At my very worst mental state I would dread holidays. I would get so depressed. I would see all the fun activities and events and even though I could have dragged my ass out to them I was having a pity party of 1 at home. I longed for the set dinner tables, the traditional food and the fun and festive atmosphere of people around me.

Now it seems I’m a bit older and wiser and on the right about of meds (hahaha) I can totally do a holiday alone and be fine. Do I still prefer the social part yes but here are a few things I have done over the years to enjoy the days a bit more.

  1. Volunteer

Just because it is a holiday doesn’t mean shelters, services and people in need take the day off. If you find yourself alone and are wanting to get out of the house try and find an organization that could use you for the day. Over the years I have served dinners at homeless shelters, brought Easter baskets to a women’s shelter for their kids, walked dogs at an animal shelter and delivered boxes of food for the elderly that may be alone as well but needed a bit of holiday cheer. You are helping others but are also helping yourself if your struggling mentally with your own holiday sadness. Here is a website you can go to to check on volunteer opportunities in your area. Just type in your city and zip code and you will all things locally.

https://www.volunteermatch.org/

2. Find a local fun run or 5K

Try and look to see if your area has a fun holiday event you can take part in. There is always a fun run or 5K around somewhere. They tend to be holiday themed with fun costumes and festive atmosphere. They always say if your feeling down a good walk or exercise to get the blood pumping can do wonders to boot a mood. You may not know all the people around you but just being in a fun environment will do wonders plus a little exercise couldn’t hurt.

3. Cook your favorite holiday meal

Just because you are by yourself doesn’t mean you can’t have a feast of your favorite holiday traditions. I am the absolute worst cook but even if I can’t make things myself I will go buy at least a few things. Just because you are alone doesn’t mean you can’t have a large amount of pie:)

4. Make the day a ME day

Places may be closed but you can plan ahead and have yourself a little spa day at a day spa or a DIY day at home. The 4th of July for me is my worst holiday. I am embarrassed to admit but I am terrified of fireworks. I’m like a dog and all I want to do is crawl under the bed and hide. So my new and fantastic tradition I do every year is check myself into a really expensive hotel and do a spa day and eat room service and watch horrible reality TV shows all weekend. When the fireworks start at nighttime I’m already a bottle of wine in and I’ll fall asleep around 8. That’s my thing but you could totally pick and start new traditions for yourself.

5. Try not to stress about it

I type this with it being easier said than done. All I’m trying to say with this one is try not to dwell too much on things that your not doing. If your missing some traditions and it makes you sad do a few to keep you in the spirit. Don’t feel forced to do them if it’s just going to make you miss anything. Start your own traditions. Do your own thing and if you want to wear bunny ears just for your dog that’s fine. You do you! The day is just another day and tomorrow will also be another day.

For those of you celebrating with friends and family today enjoy! To those of you like me that are alone today I urge you to pick one thing that makes you happy and go do it, or eat it or just take a nap. It’s your day to do whatever you want. ENJOY IT!

XOXO,

Amy