So today it a tough one. I’m concluding my series on the 5 types of domestic abuse with the hardest one for me. Sexual abuse. I purposely kept pushing it to the side and did the others first but I can’t keep running since I have no choice but do it to finish the series.
To be completely honest with you I have been starting and stopping this post for the past 3 days. I’d sit down to write and then the triggers would start and then the nausea and then it was just easier for me to quit than to push through but today is the day and I’m going to move forward. Let’s get in to it.
First up what is it:
- Intimate partner sexual assault and rape are used to intimidate, control and demean victims and survivors of domestic violence.
- Intimate partner sexual assault could be rape, body shaming in a sexual nature, exploring your body for profit, forcing you to do uncomfortable things, and really just plain anything sexual mid body spirit that you say no too but it keeps going.
As we were going through all the 5 types I think I said before that I was in the unfortunate club of having my abuser do all 5 to me but by far the sexual abuse is the hardest for me to get over. It completely consumes me and is actually one of the biggest challenges in my current relationship.
My ex used sex as a way to stay in control and intimidate. I’m not 100% ready for all the gory details to be out there yet, and for sure do not want to trigger anyone else but the things he did made me wish I would have died right then and there. I used to go to a different place in my head and wait until he was gone. I wished so desperately the hands around my neck would make me pass out and I could just wake up and it would be over.
The physical acts of course hurt but the shame and mental pain hurt was worse, shutting down during the act would help me get though the present but I really didn’t know how to handle the aftermath after. The shame of feeling used. The humiliation. I remember after a particular episode he made me get up and get dressed because we had to go get dog food. All I could think of was you just completely raped me and there is blood everywhere and now you want to fucking go get dog food like it’s no big deal? I remember walking into the pet store so sore and defeated. I wanted to scream at the random people to help me. I was in the dog toy isle feeling the soft plush toys for my Chihuahua and the lady next to me looked over and said “these are so soft and cute”. I wanted to scream “I was just raped to an inch of my life less than an hour ago” I just remember I smiled and nodded. She went about her day and I gave the pink bunny a hug before I put it back on the shelf. I guess I needed that bunny more than my dog did.
I still have my physical scars I can see each and every time I take a shower. My mental triggers are there on certain things that can pop up out of nowhere but nobody really get the toll it can take on your next relationship when it comes to sex.
One thing I have noticed is that I have let myself go health, beauty, weight wise. It’s like the fatter or uglier I get nobody will want to touch me. I seriously didn’t plan this or do it intentionally but I just gave up and the weight kept coming on. The fat was my buffer.
I currently struggle to be intimate with my current partner. My therapist says it’s normal and valid and all the theripisty words they like to use to get me to understand that because of the trauma I received it will take time. I also feel extreme guilt that I’m not a sexual goddess to my new partner. I sometimes feel my ex has ruined sex for me and now I guess for my current partner to. I have no desire to want it. When we are doing it I feel nothing. I go back to a place far away but my current guy is not doing anything harmful. There should be no reason to even want to disappear during but I do. To me sex is stressful and something I feel I have to do because that’s what couples do. I love my guy with all my heart but it’s just that’s our biggest issue. Whew! That was hard to write.
My only advice for you if you are going through something like this is to keep continuing to make a plan and try and get out. I know it’s not easy. Fuck it..It’s extremely hard. Like you just finished a marathon hard and then you have to do another one back to back hard. It consumes you when you’re awake and when you’re asleep. Baby steps and keep moving forward. Try one little thing of self care a day to keep you focused on the end game which is to leave. You could be close to the door or the door looks a million miles away but at least the door is there. Little by little you will reach it.
I know I’m not the best writer or the best at processing information in a educational way for my readers but I will always speak my truth and try and help anyone that may need it. That’s what this blog is about for me. A little bit mental healing for me and a little bit helpful hopefully for others to let them know you are not alone.
Ok that’s all for today. Love you all and thanks for sticking with me on the hard ones.