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5 Types of Domestic Violence: Physical

Hi all, 

In the next week or so I’m going to talk about the 5 types of domestic violence. We can break down so many types of abuse into smaller categories but these 5 are the starting points. 

These next few posts should come with a warning. No matter where you are in your journey it can always be painful hearing and reading others stories. If your not ready, it’s ok. Bookmark us and come back as a resource when you can. We will be here:)

So let’s dig in..

The 5 major types of domestic violence are considered: Physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and physiological. 

Each one by itself can be devastating but unfortunately most times a lot of these are combined. My own story has all 5 front and center. 

Today we are going to chat about the physical part. Domestic violence in most peoples minds is physical. We see movies of victims bruised faces,billboards of sad, tired black eyes. We know famous stories of celebrities that spoke out like Tina Turner and Rihanna. If you ask any random person on the street and have them explain domestic violence it would almost always be the physical side. 

In reality most domestic survivors say the physical side was a slow progression. The other pillars lead up to it. 

The majority of shelters see victims only come for help when it gets to this point. Fearing for more harm and trying to save their lives. For some, feeling like they can’t get help unless it gets physical is so painful to hear. Abuse isn’t judged on how bad it gets. 

My own story was exactly that. It didn’t just start as a fast punch to the face but once that first form of physical violence shows itself it’s already going down a dangerous path.

If you haven’t read my story you can do so below.

Domestic Physical abuse is considered any touching contact that is intended to hurt or cause harm. A punch, slap, kick, shove, push, choke, hit with an object or being held down when you are not allowed to move are forms of physical abuse. If your parter is hurting your body with intent to harm you are physically being abused. Sexual abuse is a form of physical but due to it being on a whole other level it gets it own category.

Did you know it take an average of 7 tries to leave an abusing partner? Meanwhile each episode things progress worse and worse. 

Please know your situation and if you feel you are in danger you need to make a plan when safe to do so. It’s scary and the fear of leaving everything with no next steps can be hard. The only step you need to do is find a way to safely. There are so many wonderful people and organizations here with open arms and we got you. I promise. 

If you or someone you know needs help please reach out to someone on our resources page or if you just need to talk or have a friend there are so many that will listen. I see you and if you need a quick moment of knowing your not alone let me know and I will do what I can to help. 

Just please know you are not alone. I got you. We ALL got you. 

Xoxo

Amy

Guest posts: Are you willing to share in a safe place?

Guest posts: Are you looking to share in a safe place? 

This blog for the past 6 months has been all about me, myself, my asshole abusive ex, and I. It’s been so freeing to be able to voice my truth and to possibly help others in the process. It’s also been scary as hell to see it all out there. 

I know I’m not alone in my journey because I know the unfortunate stats about domestic violence. So many suffer in silence, some have just broke free and others are fed up and planning a getaway. Whatever stage you are in, now, recent or like me 3 years out we all need each other. We need to know we are not alone. You have a voice and you are most definitely worth being heard. 

If you would like to share your story with us and you feel safe to do so let’s chat. I will keep you protected if needed. If you also have a space for others to go I will promote. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Your story could be the one that helps just 1 person heal.

Email us at hello@swearingtotallyhelps.com

Xoxo,

Amy

It’s the 4th of July and I am in panic mode

Hey All,

For most Americans, today is all about get togethers, BBQ’s, celebrating our countries birthday with a day off and ending the day with fireworks.

For me, this weekend is my annual checking myself into a fancy hotel, spa days and drinking myself sleepy until I’m sound asleep before I even hear a boom go off.

My name is Amy and I am 44 years old and I am completely terrified of fireworks. Yup. There I said it. Sudden loud noises have always been a fear of mine. Fireworks, thunder, cars backfiring, guns, horns, etc. I’ve been this way since I was a little girl and guess what? I never grew out of it as most people would say.

I have always tried to pinpoint where/when/why it started and I can only think of one possible thing. I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to laugh ok? When I was 4 or 5 my mom and her friend would go bowling on Saturday nights and her friends 16 year old son would always have to babysit me. Two single moms did what they could to have a few hours off so we were an unlikely pair. We would always be at our house since I was always sent to bed way earlier I felt probably so his 16 year old self could do what 16 year olds do. I was a pretty stubborn kid so as a punishment he did this..again don’t laugh ok? We had an extremely old microwave in the house. It wasn’t digital and it was a turn dial. And back in the day it wasn’t the little beeps you hear today…it was a super loud alarm and I was scared of it. So if I didn’t go to bed and stay there he told me he was going to set the microwave for 10 seconds and hold me there to watch the countdown. Some savage torture shit for a 5 year old. I called his bluff and the monster that he was did it. (ps. totally not a monster and we joke about it today) He held me still with my arm around my chest and 10. 9. 8. …. I was screaming and then BAM! it was so loud and scary and he know I would run right to bed after that. I mean it totally worked but for sure there had to be other way right. RIGHT?!?!?!

So I’m not totally sure if that was my trigger for loud noises but that’s really all I can remember. Fireworks, storms when I know they are coming I can plan. I’m currently in a hotel drinking my wine and will order a nice dinner then night night and wake up the next day knowing I made it though. There is always the asshole that has them leftover though and like to blow them off in my neighborhood for another few days. Those are the hard ones to plan for. For storms I am glued to the radar on my phone and when I think it’s time to hide I grab my headphones and turn up my music and hide in the bathroom farthest away from any outside walls or windows. Gotta have a system people. My friends joke that I need a human size Thunder Shirt that are for dogs.

I know my fears are not rational or even comparable to our military heroes. I always think of them this time of year as well. Some suffer from severe PTSD and fireworks can trigger so many things for them. I think of all the pets and wildlife that have no idea what the hell is happening as well.

I’m for sure not one of those that are trying to ban fireworks and take away peoples fun (I would do a little dance if it actually happened though). I want everyone to enjoy the holiday and eat themselves silly with BBQ. I am perfectly happy that I just got my facial and nails done and I’m watching bad reality housewives of somewhere with my fave bottle of wine. Oh and my dogs are here too and they get big bones later. We are doing it up people.

Happy 4th!

Xoxo,

Amy

I’m Weird and I Do Weird Stuff: A Confession

So I’ve posted some extremely personal stories in the past. Some so raw I needed a minute after I hit that publish button. This one is still personal but I’m going to put my weirdness on blast and I guess that’s just as scary since I’ve never really talked about my quirks post Domestic Violence. 

A lot of my weirdness has come out of survival. Some I developed after the abuse, but all of these are for sure newish.  A lot of them I think are based on control. My story was I was controlled in every aspect of my life. The things I developed were my way of controlling just little things and it got me through. 

But why still do it? I think it’s that stat that if you do something repetitive for a while it just becomes second nature. I don’t have to do these things anymore but it’s just almost a comfort thing I guess. 

My top 5 things I do that’s weird but comforting:)

  1. My daily bathroom routine.  

 Each and everyday when I get ready I take EVERYTHING out I will use and line it up on the counter. Every face product, hair product, make up, brushes, oral care, lotions, EVERYTHING!!! The counter looks like I’m a hoarder and it’s covered with no space to space. Not to mention I bring all my underwear things, clothes, accessories and shoes in with me as well. I’m walking out of this bathroom 100% ready.  

Getting fully ready meant I was alone longer in the bathroom. Alone time was my only time that I could breathe so more time was super important to me. 

Also I felt safer being naked and getting dressed behind a door. 

With all the products out on the counter I could visually see what I had to do still. On days when I was in such bad shape every task felt like a mountain to climb. But if I put lotion on I put the bottle away. Brushed my teeth.. I put away the toothpaste, mouthwash and brush. After each task the counter got less cluttered and what I had left to do seemed less and less. It kept me going and taking one thing at a time. I was in control and I was getting shit done:)

I STILL do this today. It’s such a part of my daily routine that it would probably throw me off if I didn’t it differently.  I will always check bathroom counters for space potential in any new place I live:)

  1.  The Alphabet game

         I have a weird habit of “finding” the alphabet when I get nervous or feel a panic attack coming on. It started when I was alone in a Dr office after being injured where I needed medical attention. I knew I was going to have to lie but was so uncomfortable being there. I started looking around the room and found a letter A on the wall. Then B then C. I just kept going to take my mind off everything. J’s are always the hardest. But I still do this everytime I’m in a room at the Dr. 

I’ve also done it in the shower when I’ve been so defeated and need an escape. The shower was always my place of safety so I did it to calm down. Finding the letters on shampoo bottles or body washes.

3. Counting semi trucks

When I’m driving long distances I set a goal of how many Semi trucks I can find. Back in my relationship we would always travel long distances when we moved so often and I wasn’t allowed to talk in the car. To keep my mind from going crazy and keep me present I would count the semi’s. I’d see when the next big city would be on the interstate and make a goal to see how many I could see before we get there. I don’t do this as often anymore but I still notice them all while driving. I just don’t keep track.

4. Worst case game

We may all have done this to some degree but I tend to do this a bit too much. Something will pop up that worries me and I will start thinking of all the possibilities of what could go wrong. Something so simple as I have a headache will for sure lead to death in my mind. A check engine light will automatically leave me stranded on the road at night and I’ll get murdered by a random passerby. If I’m worried about a bill, I will become homeless living in my car. That’s if they don’t repo it. Then I’ll be living in a tent until someone steals that and then I’ll be out in the rain. See what I mean? I can go on and on with so many levels. These days it’s more comedy relief but I still do it. Back in the day I would think worst case and try to make a plan for whatever could happen. It just gave me a little bit more of control.

5. On time like by an hour

This one is probably my most annoying one for the others in my life. I get huge anxiety about being late for anything. So much so I’ll leave almost 2 hours early just to be there an hour early to sit in the car. If I’m alone it’s no big deal but if you can imagine how it goes with my current boyfriend you are probably just as annoyed as he gets. I’m always rushing and moving him along and then he gives me the look like “ITS 2 FUCKING HOURS EARLY”. Then we laugh and laugh. Haha. Just kidding. I’ll back off but internally I’m stressing we are going to be late. 

The one time we cut it close because of traffic or who know what I’m extra validated in why we need to leave early. But that only happens like once out of hardly ever but damn it if I don’t use it. 

Well there I spilled all my dirty little quirks for the Internet to see. I know I’m not alone in the weird category so if you dare share!!! I’d love to hear yours!

Xoxo 

Amy

Daylights Saving Time and how it effects your body.

Hey all,

I know I’m late on this one but lets chat about the crazy thing that happens twice a year that makes us cranky, moody and tired. Daylights Savings Time is not ever a surprise and we know it’s coming but damn if it doesn’t creep up and bite you in the ass at 4pm when all you want to do is go to sleep.

My thing is why does it actually make you so tired losing an hour when we all have had way less nights of sleep. This just seems worse and hard to adjust too right?

Every time it comes around so many people talk about it and complain and I know this time the Senate actually passed a bill to end it..but will it make a difference?

I know that losing/gaining an hour and having sunsets and sunrises mess with sleep schedules and they are the least of our world problems but studies have shown it does take a toll on the body.

Here are a few things I found on this thing called Google

  1. With DST, between March and November, your body is exposed to less morning light and more evening light, which can throw off your circadian rhythm,” When your internal clock is out of sync with the sun’s clock, you can feel tired in the morning and awake in the evening.

2. According to the American Heart Association, in addition to the fatigue, the transition can also affect your heart and brain. Hospital admissions for an irregular heartbeat pattern known as atrial fibrillation, as well as heart attacks and strokes, increase in the first few days of daylight saving time.

3. Losing an hour of afternoon daylight after setting the clocks back to standard time can trigger mental illness, including bipolar disorder, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression. A Danish study found an 11% increase in depression cases after the time change.

4. A 2020 study found fatal traffic accidents increased by 6% in the United States during daylight saving time.

Then I found this gem…

Strange as it may seem, Daylight Saving Time might mean you find yourself in more serious legal trouble. According to a 2016 study from the Association for Psychological Science, judges hand out harsher sentences the day after the DST switch.

So basically if you get arrested the judge is going to be cranky like the rest of us so your fate is in the hands of a sleep deprived, moody judge. Good luck folks:)

So what do you think? Are you a fan or hate it or indifferent? I think it’s just the norm now and we all power though but do you think it’s a good idea to do away with it completely?

XOXO

Amy

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5 back in the day ads that actually ran that could not run today.

Hey all,

I was wasting time on the internet the other day and I came across this ad from 1974. Weyenberg Shoes thought that a kick ass pair of shoes will keep us where we belong. WTF?

So if us humans thought this was ok back then what other crazy shit could I find. Here are my top 5 that I saw and I’d like to see them try and get away with this stuff today.

5. 1951 Van Heusen wants us to know it’s a man’s world and gosh darn it we should be so lucky.. Just the sight of a mans tie will make sure bow down and serve you breakfast.

4. 1952 Was a time where we we dare serve our men stale coffee we may get spanked. Chase and Sandborn coffee tells us we better get our shit together or else.

3. 1953 Alcoa Aluminum came along and saved our asses from super hard bottles to open. If I may say you failed because I STILL can’t open most jars. Lies…All Lies.

2. Oh Volkswagen…implying that we will hit pretty much whatever when we are behind the wheel. Thank good it won’t cost so much. Just our self esteem.

and #1 my favorite

1969 Tipalet says if you flat our disrespect us and blow smoke in our faces we will follow you anywhere. Blueberry smoke….Yummy.

I show these in fun and know this would never fly today but if you think about it this really wasn’t that long ago. Don Draper at his finest hour.

Quick post today because I have dishes to do and the dogs will not learn how to vacuum and I need to get dinner started and put on a full face of make-up OR ELSE:)

xoxo

Amy

How to handle an abusive ex reaching out after the relationship ended

Hey all,

As most of you know I have been out of my relationship for 3 years now. The first 3 months were filled with panic, fear, worry and stress of how I was going to make it. My ex did make it hard with a few mind games and scare tatics but after 3 months he stopped but the triggers and emotional healing was still a struggle. Still is at times. It’s been almost 3 years and I have been trying to live my best life since the day I broke free. Can’t say I’m completely passed it but I’m a hell of a lot better than day 1.

Until he reached back out…

5 little words rocked me to my core.

What are you doing NYE?

Are you fucking kidding me? I’m moving along minding my own business, enjoying the holiday season then BAM! Random text at 4 in the afternoon. Instant tears. Tears of WTF but mostly tear that those 5 little words effected me so much. I thought I was done. I thought he had moved on. Why after 3 years does he want to make contact and mess with me. Does he even know what he has done? OF COURSE he does…But SHIT!!!!

What is even more confusing and frustrating is I had all communication blocked. Cell, Emails, Socials..Everything. So how his same number got through I don’t know. I chose not to respond but damn it it was hard. I had so many questions, so many responses rattling around in my head. Why now? Why NYE? Why just the question and no explanation? The reasoning was eating away at me. But I guess that was the point I’m guessing. He knows how my brain works and knows exactly how it would make my question EVERYTHING.

I made sure the number was still on my block list (it was) but I completely blocked his ass again. Checked emails and socials to make sure the block was still active and deleted that text so I was not tempted to respond. But not after staring at it for what seemed like hours.

I’m doing ok today but I’ll admit it took me a week to stop thinking about it. I hate he still has that power to take up my thoughts. Time heals of course and I handled it WAY better then I would have 3 years ago…Hell even a year ago. As my blog title goes.. Fuck it and keep it moving.

Here are the things I recommend you can do if you find yourself in the same position as what just happened to me.

Breathe

They know they can get to you and it will rock your world. Breathe, first and foremost. Do not react immediately. Take a breath and pause. Know the tactic they are using and make a plan on how to handle it.

Ignore

You do not have to respond. They may have gotten through and you saw the message but YOU have the power now. You not responding is power. They expect you to cave. They expect you to crumble and breakdown. They know it’s going to fuck with you. Do not give them the satisfaction. You responding is EXACTLY what they are looking for. No response means they are denied the reaction payoff. They can try but you are stronger.

Block, Block, Block

If you have not already, block the number on your cell. Block on your email, Block on your Socials. Anyway you feel they can contact you make a point to get that baby blocked so you won’t have to see anything else that may pop through.

Delete

Once blocked delete that bitch. The last thing you need after this is to see it over and over and make you feel a type of way every time you open your phone or email. Delete from your trash as well. Double delete:) Rid yourself of the negative that surrounds it.

Reflect

Think about all you have overcome and how proud you are of yourself on how you handled it. Tears are ok but you did not act and you are going to be ok. You are in control of your life and feelings and one little hiccup is not going to set you back. It’s ok to have a moment. In my case it was a week of thoughts but take your time. It’s ok to feel it. But know you did not let them back in and you are going to move on and live your best life too.

My wish for you is once they are out of your life they are out for good. But if they do creep up I know you got this. If you need a rock or voice of reason…reach out to a trusted friend or family member or reach out to me and I will help you through it. Bottom line is you are not under that control anymore. The only control is how you process and handle it and I know you can and will kick those nasty texts to the curb.

XOXO

Amy

Happy Holidays!

Hi all,

Today is the big day for some! Myself included. I live all year for this. It’s my favorite time of year. If you are in that space I hope you enjoy this magical time with friends and family.

I also know that this time of year can be extremely difficult for some. I just want you guys to know that it’s ok. There was a time I dreaded the holidays.

I remember when I was in my abusive relationship that we I was so isolated from everyone and we never did anything for the holidays. When I was at work and that last business day of the year when everyone was giddy to get out of the office early. I was the last to leave because I had nowhere to go but home. Dreading the same question every year. “Whatcha doing for Christmas?” I lied through my teeth and said I was going home to family. It was the most deflective answer I could say. It seamed normal enough right?

In reality, I would get home and be told how I ruined his holidays and how he can’t go home because he’s embarrassed to take me anywhere.

I always stress how important self care is to anyone’s mental health. If you are still struggling and things are hard please don’t give up. Take a mini break in the shower, or if allowed go for a walk. Anything you can do to slow down and breathe. Those little breaks they can’t take from you. Keep your mind right and strong.

And if your struggling really bad like I was one year please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can chat if calling puts you in danger. I’ve used them many times and they really do understand.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Alright my friends I’m going to take a much needed break myself until the new year. I wish you all well and peace and I’ll chat with you again in 2022.

Xoxo,

Amy

Baby It’s Cold Outside: Creeper anthem or just a holiday classic

Hey all,

It’s that time of year again where everyone brings up this song and if it’s the date rape theme song for all creepers. It’s been debated over and over so I’m not going to get into all the arguments but more the take of a domestic violence victim.

As someone who has been through some “stuff” I have to admit the song really doesn’t bother me much. Some would think I’d be waving my hands up in the air and saying it’s super offensive and we need to cancel all the things that it plays on. To be honest I’m just indifferent.

As a kid I remember hearing it all the time and singing along not really understanding why the guy wants her to stay. As a grown ass woman I now understand that a man has needs but is he going about it the right way? Men begging is never going to change and in a playful way it’s kind of cute.

Some may say the lady is protesting too much because back in the day it was frowned upon to stay over as an unmarried woman. If that is the case I’m sad she felt that way. If she wanted to get it on while it’s snowing out the window she should have that right. But I will say if that dude tries anything funny she should dropkick his ass and walk out the door.

In the video of the song it does give off a bit of a creeper vibe though. I’ll chalk one up to the creepers in that aspect. But the chorography is fantastic.

John Legend and Kelly Clarkson remade the song into a more PC less rapey version which I think is good. Two powerhouses coming together can’t be all bad but it’s still not giving me that classic feel from the original.

So what do you guys think? I will never downplay anyone’s feelings about the song. Triggers are real and can be brought on by many different things. Just my old school Christmas nostalgia kicks in and I like the original. But please know if anyone gets any weird ideas keeping me from leaving in a snowstorm we will have problems:)

I truly am OBSESSED with the holidays and I hope you all are enjoying the magic as well. It can be hard for some so please reach out if you need an ear. I’ll have my antlers on!

XOXO

Amy

My life as a domestic abuse survivor

TRIGGER WARNING…This post contains details about physical, mental and sexual abuse. I know it can be hard to read if you have lived it. If you are still struggling you can totally skip this post and I promise not to be mad at ya.

Hey all so today is the day I’m going to get real deep in it and tell you about my past and how I am trying and still trying to pull myself out of the darkness that was my life for 6 freaking years. Come February I am 3 years free and I will tell you not a day goes by that I do not have a flashback, or a random nightmare or even just adjusting how I do normal day to day activities because of it. I will say I am doing much better but those 6 years has shaped how I do things now. Some good and some bad.

So let’s get into it..

First to be able to get to the point where I am telling ,y story publicly is a HUGE win. It does get easier to talk about and also therapeutic but those first few days of being alone and having to ask for help was the hardest part. I have always been a pretty independent person. Did most things for myself and was always the one everyone else would come to for help. I never asked for anything.

So when I met Mr. Fuck Face AKA MFF (totally petty I know but for me it makes me feel a bit better) I seriously thought I met the all around perfect package. He was smart, handsome, funny, loves sports and worked in the same industry as I did. We actually met because we worked for the same large sporting company. Different departments but ours co mingled nicely. I would see him in meetings and around campus. Having to travel for work I would see him at the different cities as well since we both had to go to the away events. Stolen glances and cute smiles here and there. And I’m not above admitting that I found him and followed him on Twitter. One night..with wine probably I decided to slide into his Dm’s to say hello. It was more like…”Hey you popped up on Twitter and realized we never have actually spoken but we have been in the room like a million times so wanted to say hello”

Do you ever have a moment in your life that one decision you made changed the whole course of your life? That was mine. Sliding into the fucking DM’s like a teenage girl. That was the beginning. The beginning of 6 years of feeling worthless, empty, full of pain and sadness, scared and feeling that death might have been a better choice. Yeah it was that bad where I felt that not living was better than living. Terrifying.

Once the Dm’s were flowing, the texting started and the flirting at work increased. We had our first actual date at the breakfast place before work. Scary to think after that date I had a really great feeling about this man. Still to this day it has rocked my judge of character. By the way you will always question the what ifs. It will always drag you down. You can’t change it..just learn and heal.

Here is where it gets a bit crazy and insane. Full disclosure I actually just went though a painful divorce a year before. I was JUST finally getting over that and was not looking to date but he just showed up when i wasn’t looking. In hindsight I probably wasn’t fully healed from a failed marriage but knowing now that’s why he was praying on.

See if you can spot the first red flag that I CLEARLY didn’t see. We were casually dating have a fun time watching sports, dining out on sushi and had the best conversations. He just moved to the city our headquarters were located and he was living out of a hotel until he found housing. 3 weeks in we were getting closer and he was over at my place and we were watching a game on tv. It was getting late but neither one of was was making move. What a gentleman right? We could feel the tension building but again nothing happened. We said goodnight and hugged at my front door and he was off. And get this ladies..It was like a damn rom com movie. Not even 10 minutes after I watched his taillights leave my place I get a knock on the door. Open it and he comes full on and kisses me and said he could not leave with out doing that. And IT WAS ON! It was fast and super romantic and I loved every second of it. He spent the night that night for the first time. But sadly it was the first night he stayed and he never left after that.

Remember when I said he was living in a hotel. Well the company I worked for was pretty cheap with it’s employees to it wasn’t the greatest. So at the beginning of “us” we went out almost every night after work. Happy hours and then back to my place where I felt bad he had to go back to that crappy hotel when he could just stay here with me and we could “snuggle”. a few days turned in to a week and then two. He was gone a few days in there because of work travel. His things were just starting to stay at my place because it was “easier”.

3 weeks in he was fully moved in to my one bedroom apartment and I didn’t even notice or care because everything was so great and we were connecting on a level that I was missing in my marriage. Boom in a full fledged relationship and living together after 3 weeks of the DM slide. This red flag I think belongs to me. I still have not forgiven myself for not understanding how quick it was and just how risky and wrong that was. Oh he took full advantage but I still was the one to open the door.

Things were fantastic the first 6 months. No issues. Very loving and we had a great relationship. Talked for hours and really got to know each other and even got a brand new amazing condo over looking a river. Both on the lease and we were moving forward. Together.

Once we got in to the new place things started to change. I was getting a more moodier man. More snippy comments and him being more withdrawn. I would try and talk to him about it but this is when the insults and putdowns start gradually. I was being told I’m reading into things and it’s none of my business what he was feeling. I remember feeling so rejected that the tears started flowing. He looked right at me with disgust and said..”Oh shit your going to be one of those girls that cry’s over everything.” That was the start of everything being my fault. I was causing the mood swings, snippy comments, put downs. Each night I went to bed wondering where was the man I had for the first 6 months. Where did he go?

Then he got fired. From the company I worked for for 4 years. Instantly it was something I did. I must have did something to get him fired. I just remember how exhausted and tired I was trying to defend myself. I still to this day do not know the reason but that was Job number 1 out of many I had to weather the storm.

Two weeks later and maneuvering around a very moody man I came home from work. He had flowers and presents and a dinner reservation waiting for me. Crying he said how sorry he was the last few months and i should have never been the brunt of his anger. I was crying, he was crying and it was so tender and honest and real..or so I thought.

After dinner we get home and I run upstairs to change. We had two walk in closets in our bedroom. I decided to be cute and get undressed and was going to wear one of his comfy sweatshirts and we could snuggle up and have a great rest of the night on the couch watching our favorite shows. I walk into his closet to find it all packed up with 3 suitcases and everything gone. I go into the bathroom and all his stuff was off the counter and packed. I run downstairs and immediately start crying and wondering what was going on. He tells me he took a job in another state 1500 miles away and he is getting on the train in an hour and I need to drop him off at the station. WHAT THE ENTIRE FUCK?

That was the beginning of me moving all over the country for this man. Job to job and state to state. Why I decided to follow was because I loved him. I thought he loved me and he kept promising the next state, the next job was going to be the one to get us to levels we never were before. He was a very successful man in his industry. He talked a great game and employers bought it..but the pattern was after 6 months it was over and we were on to the next one. We moved 8 different times to 6 different states. I have a wide variety of clipped license plates and drivers licenses.

With each and every move it happened like the first one. I would come home and he would tell me he is moving THAT day and I would have to stay behind and pack up, tie up lose ends and then he would come back and get me to move everything to our new home or state. I had an amazing career in sports that I loved. I tried to keep up and find an job in each state but as you can imagine it was starting to get hard to explain why I bounced around so much. Before I met him I was with my company for 5 years and the job before that 7 years. I would not one to bounce. Eventually I had to start my own company and make My own money so the moves would not effect my personal income. Meanwhile I would be paying for all the moves and expenses. He would always tell me his employer would cover the move and to keep the receipts but of course that never was returned.

With each and every move his attitude was getting worse. The verbal insults, gaslighting and emotional roller-coaster was getting to much to bear. I had a mental breakdown in year 3. Got on meds, therapy, the whole thing. But of course me being super embarrassed I never said why EXACTLY I was upset. I was protecting him. During that time was when he raped me for the first time.

Needless to say after being an emotional punching bag for so long I was not exactly in the mood for sexy time. I was beginning to resent him and trying to figure out a way to get out. One night I was sleeping and woke up to him holding me down and he was trying to get inside me. I was fighting and trying to get away but he was so much bigger. I remember just laying there and waiting for it to be over. This was the first of many. Each time getting more and more violent and more forceful. It was very degrading and he was physically inuring my body. I remember once I actually had a OBGYN appt two days after and I swear the Dr knew something was off because it hurt so bad while she was doing the exam. Of course I never said anything.

So after 4 years of mental, physical, sexual abuse guess what.. I’m free. one morning he wakes up and say to me (after raping me) that I am no longer useful and I’m bringing him down. I’m the reason he can’t hold a job, I’m the reason we are struggling financially, I’m the reason why everything is the way it is. If I wasn’t so bad he would not have to treat me this way and blah blah and blah. So he kicked me out and actually helped me move back to my support system. Of course we had to stop half way overnight and he could attack me one last time. This time chocking me to an inch of my life. Once he dropped me off I sat alone with the bruises around my neck and cried that I was free.

BUT..

You know what they say.. It takes an average 7 tries to finally rid yourself of an abuser and finally know that you need to get away. 2 months later after a tearful apology and promises of therapy and love and respect we were back and moving to yet another state. Two weeks later we were right back in it and back to what was normal for the past 4 years.

Within that new period we moved to his hometown. He lost his mother and I was finally meeting a few of his family members. What I learned from them was he had a daughter and was physically abusive to her mother. He also went to prison. FUCKING prison for almost killing another man. He has a high powered attorney in the family and she told me flat out I need to get away from this man. WHAT?!?! No wonder he kept me away for them for so long.

More moves and more increasing growing abuse later and we arrive to year 6. I completely am unemployed, no money, no car because he took it. He had a company car when I first met him and when he first got fired he just used mine and pretty much never gave it back. I was completely isolated from family and friends and everyday was hoping I didn’t wake up from sleep. I wanted nothing more than the pain to go away. To end it. I was just scared to do it myself. With each rape, hit, choke, punch I was hoping it would be the final one. I would dream of him getting arrested. Having to answer to his family and my people what happened and have him look them in the eye. I always wondered if his daughter knew what he did to her mother. While I was with him his daughter and him had a rocky relationship. He would always preach out staying in school working hard and would take her to volunteer and help the community. Saying service to others was essential and giving back was just what you do. Meanwhile when they were out I was soaking in the bathtub to ease the pain of the cuts and bruises.

February 2nd 2019

That was my independence day. It started as any other day or move for that matter. We were expected to move cross country again. One of the rare times were were actually moving together and at the same time. Boxes were packed and just a few last minute errands needed to be done before we loaded up the U-Haul and we were going to hit the road. Of course I always was so happy anytime I could be alone in the car and just drive. I felt so free. So I begged if I could go drop off the cable box and the other random tasks that needed to be done. He actually said yes. It was shocking since I was not allowed to go anywhere alone. That’s why it was such a treat.I dropped him off to pick up the U-Haul and the car hauler. I told him I would be back in about an hour and I set my phone timer. Always hell to pay if I was even a minute late so I wanted to keep track on how I was doing. He said take your time which I thought was odd and I was off.

My hour was almost up. He said take your time but I was never going to push it because I didn’t want a fight and get hurt before a long trip in a U-Haul. When I rounded the corner to the house I saw that the U-Haul was not there. I wondered if there was an issue at the store. I paid in full so there should not have been an issue. I pulled in the driveway and opened the garage door and it was completely empty. Only an hour later it was full of boxes and furniture. We didn’t have much but we moved pretty much everything in the garage the night before so it would be an easy and quick load in. Guess it was quick and easy because everything I owned inside the house and outside was gone. HE was gone. I walked in the house. Empty. There was a note on the table that said Go Fuck Yourself Bitch and a $20 dollar bill. For that moment that was the only thing I had. My car, the clothes on my back and my two dogs. I later found a box of clothes that actually was labeled Amy’s clothes that he left so I had a little bit more. I was terrified and overjoyed with tears at the same time. As I sat on the empty floor I had no idea what to do next but I knew I was going to be ok. He was gone and I had a lot of work to do to pick up the pieces.

Whoa. This was super long and I didn’t even get super graphic which I think is good for everyone involved. In my next post I will go though the resources and how I got back on my feet and the steps and missteps I took to get here today. Still a work in progress but I am free and stronger everyday.

xoxo

Amy