Author Stories

The scariest tale ever told

Since today is Halloween I would like to tell you a very scary story. Once so blood curdling that it will haunt you for years to come. You will think about me and wonder “Is that girl ok after all this or do we need to call someone.”

It all started this morning at the witching hour of 1am. For some reason I was not feeling the best and it was starting to get to the point where I try to ignore it or OMG I am going to throw up. I was undecided and laid in best a few minutes to make sure if it was messing with me or if it was actually going to happen. Let’s just say I didn’t make it a few minutes and it was happing. Like right Fucking now!

Now you can say to yourself..Ugh I hate that feeling and i’m sure most of you know that rush to the bathroom hoping you are going to make it.

Well I didn’t…

From the time I swung my legs off the bed and trying to stand up it started. Projectile type and not a little bit. I stand up and try and cover my mouth but IT’S STILL HAPPENING!!! I’m not sure I mentioned before but I have 4 dogs. 3 French Bulldogs and 1 feisty little Chihuahua. 2 of the 3 frenchies at this point were covered in my vomit. The 3rd one was trying to lick it off of them. I’m trying to still get to the bathroom and pushing the licker away from the other two. Then it gets worse.

WAY WORSE.

As I’m walking to the bathroom on my cold slippery floors I step in something slick and slimy and I immediately fall. HARD. What I stepped in was a pile of disgusting dog poop. Not solid by any means. Full on doggie diarrhea. Right in the middle of it was my foot. Then it gets worse.

WAY WORSE

When I hit the floor my hands also slid into another pile of dog poo. Then while I am laying on the floor realizing what just happened I realize I’m also laying in another pile underneath my back and it’s also in my hair. I’m covered in my own vomit and my dogs butt vomit. I’m just sitting there stunned. And what the hell..I throw up one more time just to seal the deal.

At this point I crawl to the shower and wash away the horror that just occurred. I have a walk in shower so all 3 Frenches can in the shower with me. Don’t judge. I needed them to get clean as well. We all shampooed and scrubbed and then scrubbed some more and once I feel like what took forever to get clean I was ready to tackle the actual shit show that was on my bedroom floor.

All clean and scarred for life

That took a whole other act of God to clean up. Surprisingly I missed two other piles I could of fell in so I counted that as a win. By now it’s 3am and I’m clean, the dogs are clean and the floor is all shiny and spotless. I crawl my tired ass back in bed. 3 Frenchie’s jump up and snuggle in and I think we ALL tried to forget what just happened to us.

Just when you think the night terrors are over, your alarm goes off early and with your lack of sleep you wake up feeling like you had an all nighter and had to bounce back quick. I wake up. Feel myself for any weird substances to be sure..step off the bed and also look around to make sure no other surprises are waiting for me. All clear.

I wobble to the bathroom all sleepy eyes and foggy. I sit down and right across from me I see this…

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Did I miss this last night? Did one of the dogs get so traumatized that they sleep walked their aggression out on the wall? Either way I’m pissed! They ripped the drywall and the baseboard. I can’t even tell you which one of the little shits did it but this dude sitting next to the wall was VERY nosy so I guess him. Isn’t like serial killers always traced back to the crime scene at least once? We are renting a small mountain town place so nothing is updated. Maybe they decided it was time we do some renovations. I was just watching Flip or Flop on HGTV before bed. Maybe they got inspired. I guess I can kiss my deposit goodbye as well. Maybe I can make a deal with the home owner if I can update it I can somewhat salvage my deposit. But who the hell am I kidding. I have 4 dogs. ( 3 are actually on the lease) and we are 3 months into a year. More shit will go down I’m sure.

Just to add one more nail to the coffin( see what I did there on Halloween) I get to work and one of my VIP clients told me I must have went to a Halloween party last night because I look rough. In my last post I described what I do for a living so the types I work with I’m guessing he meant it as concern or he just was an ass. Time will tell.

I feel better now that I have raided the Halloween candy at work. We have between 300-500 kids coming through today and I need to get my game face on. Although my counstume could be the scary lady that lived down the hall that you don’t want to mess with.

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!

Here is a picture of the Chihuahua who had no part in the fun last night. Such a good girl!!!

XOXO,

Amy

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