Tag: life

Personal Stories

5 things I do that is weird.

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

So I’ve posted some extremely personal stories in the past. Some so raw I needed a minute after I hit that publish button. This one is still personal but I’m going to put my weirdness on blast and I guess that’s just as scary since I’ve never really talked about my quirks post Domestic Violence. 

A lot of my weirdness has come out of survival. Some I developed after the abuse, but all of these are for sure newish. A lot of them I think are based on control.

If you have been reading my story, I was controlled in every aspect of my life. The things I developed were my way of controlling just little things and it got me through. It was like taking the little things back.

But why do I still do it? I think it’s that phrase: if you do something repetitive for a while it just becomes second nature. I don’t have to do these things anymore but it’s just almost a comfort thing I guess.

My top 5 things I do that’s weird but comforting:)

  1. My daily bathroom routine.  

Each and everyday when I get ready I take EVERYTHING out I will use and line it up on the counter. Every face product, hair product, make up, brushes, oral care, lotions, EVERYTHING!!! The counter looks like I’m a hoarder and it’s covered with no space. It’s really ridiculous. Not to mention I bring all my underwear things, clothes, accessories and shoes in with me as well. I’m walking out of this bathroom 100% ready.

Getting fully ready meant I was alone longer in the bathroom. Alone time was my only time that I could breathe so more time was super important to me. 

Also I felt safer being naked and getting dressed behind a door. Wasn’t allowed to lock it but hearing the click of the door close completely was a huge sigh of relief.

With all the products out on the counter I could visually see what I had to do still. On days when I was in such bad shape every task felt like a mountain to climb. But if I put lotion on I put the bottle away. Brushed my teeth.. I put away the toothpaste, mouthwash and brush. After each task the counter got less cluttered and what I had left to do seemed less and less. It kept me going and taking one thing at a time. I was in control and I was getting shit done:)

I STILL do this today. It’s such a part of my daily routine that it would probably throw me off if I did it differently. I will always check bathroom counters for space potential in any new place I live:)

  1.  The Alphabet game

I have a weird habit of “finding” the alphabet when I get nervous or feel a panic attack coming on. It started when I was alone in a Dr office after being injured where I needed medical attention. I knew I was going to have to lie about what happened, but was so uncomfortable being there.

I started looking around the room and found a letter A on the wall. Then B then C. I just kept going to take my mind off everything. (J’s are always the hardest!!!) But I still do this everytime I’m in a room at the Dr. waiting.

I’ve also done it in while being in the bathroom when I’ve been so defeated and need an escape. The bathroom was always my place of safety so I did it to calm down. Finding the letters on shampoo bottles or body washes and face creams were easy.

3. Counting semi trucks

When I’m driving long distances I set a goal of how many Semi trucks I can find. Back in my relationship we would always travel long distances when we moved so often and I wasn’t allowed to talk in the car. To keep my mind from going crazy and keep me present I would count the semi’s.

I’d see when the next big city would be on the interstate and make a goal to see how many I could see before we get there. I don’t do this as often anymore but I still notice them all while driving. I just don’t keep track.

4. Worst case game

We may all have done this to some degree but I tend to do this a bit too much. Something will pop up that worries me and I will start thinking of all the possibilities of what could go wrong.

Something so simple as I have a headache will for sure lead to death in my mind. A check engine light will automatically leave me stranded on the road at night and I’ll get murdered by a random passerby. If I’m worried about a bill, I will become homeless living in my car. That’s if they don’t repo it. Then I’ll be living in a tent until someone steals that and then I’ll be out in the rain.

See what I mean? I can go on and on with so many levels. These days it’s more comedy relief but I still do it. Back in the day I would think worst case and try to make a plan for whatever could happen. It just gave me a little bit more of control.

5. On time like by an hour

This one is probably my most annoying one for the others in my life. I get huge anxiety about being late for anything. So much so I’ll leave almost 2 hours early just to be there an hour early to sit in the car.

If I’m alone it’s no big deal but if you can imagine how it goes with my current boyfriend you are probably just as annoyed as he gets. I’m always rushing and moving him along and then he gives me the look like “ITS 2 HOURS EARLY”.

Then we laugh and laugh. Just kidding. I’ll back off and slunk to the chair to wait, but internally I’m stressing we are going to be late.

The one time we cut it close because of traffic or who know what I’m extra validated in why we need to leave early. But that only happens like once out of hardly ever, but damn it if I don’t use it often. “Hey remember that time when…”

Well there I spilled all my dirty little quirks for the Internet to see.

We all have our things. If our things bring us comfort and not annoying anyone too bad get doing you boo boo!

I know I’m not alone in the weird category so if you dare share!!! I’d love to hear yours!

Xoxo

Uncategorized

Finally free from my abusive past

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

So my last posts were about my 6 years being in an abusive relationship. If you want to see my story you can read it here..

My domestic violence story: Part 1

My domestic violence story: Part 2

It was pretty hard for me to get that all out but everyone has a story and I wanted mine to be heard. I want you to know that I get it. I see you. You are not alone.

It wasn’t easy though. For so long I kept it inside and was scared to ask for help. You get so brainwashed that you feel like no one will believe you or want to help because it’s too messy to get involved. I thought it was just easier to not bother anyone and I will handle it on my own.

That day that he left and took pretty much everything I had with him was Day 1 of my recovery. I was sitting on the empty floor with my two dogs and cried for hours. I was so stunned and so used to him controlling every hour of every day I felt lost,abandoned and had no clue what to do next. My initial thought was I can’t go on without him. Which is totally ironic to think about because everyday I thought about how I wished I could get out of my situation. But now faced with being completely alone I was terrified.

I was in a city that I knew no one and my closet friends were over 1000 miles away. The hard part was I had been lying to EVERYONE I knew for 6 years. Not one person that knew me knew I was going through this. So to make a phone call to my 3 best friends asking for help was going to be hard. I knew they would be there for me but I also knew the bomb I was about to drop on them. Spoiler alert.. They were fantastic, but not without a few “why didn’t you tell me?”

Why didn’t I tell them? That’s the hardest question for me to answer. Why the hell didn’t I? Bottom line I was embarrassed. The first time he choked me. I wrote it off as a one time thing and I didn’t want to say anything because I loved him and they would tell me to leave him. The first time he raped me I didn’t feel comfortable telling someone that for fear of what they would think of me. Days, months, years went on and at that point it was just my normal every day and I was too far in. I would lie through my teeth why I could not go anywhere (because I had bruises around my neck). Sorry I could not go bike riding with the group because I was bleeding still from the rape the night before. I slowly started to withdraw and it became my new normal to lie.

So now that he was gone I had nothing to lie about and the truth was about to be exposed wide open.

I mentioned I had nothing left in the apartment but a few clothes and my two dogs. He even took all the food. He left a $20 bill on the counter and zero in the bank account. My gas tank was empty and I did not have a job since I put my two weeks in since we were moving. Panic set in. One of my friends suggested I start a Go Fund Me. Are you FUCKING kidding?!?! was my response. That way the world would know and it was hard enough telling my friends I lied to them over the last 6 years. I cried and said no, then cried some more and in my panic manic crying I said fine and wrote an abbreviated/PC version of my story on the Go Fund Me site and hit publish.

THEN I IMMEDIATELY THREW UP!

I felt so sick putting it out there. I was always the strong one and now I’m the idiot that stayed with a man that hurt me daily. That was my internal dialog. Once I hit publish I was so overwhelmed with sickness and emotion and panic I must have passed out on the bathroom tile by the toilet.

When I woke up I was stiff. Partly from sleeping on the cold hard floor but looking in the mirror I still had the reminders of the life I have been leading. Bruises, bags and puffiness under my eyes from crying and always looking at myself with disgust. It was day 2 of my new life and my outlook was just a bit better than the day before.

When I finally got moving and washed my tear crusted face I saw my phone and all the alerts. LIKE A TON OF THEM. I completely forgot about the Go Fund Me and I burst into tears again. This time tears of love and a sense of feeling like I mattered. With each ding of my phone I saw friends, past co-workers, long lost acquaintances and people I didn’t even know pop up with words of encouragement and strength. They were opening up their wallets for me and it was just almost too much to handle. I felt so guilty but thankful and relived that I would be able to pick myself up and start the long process of figuring out my next chapter.

After a few days and the strength of my besties we put together a plan on how to get me back to the state where they were. I had a few days to wait until the Go Fund Me money would come in and I could get out of the town I felt stuck in.

When I finally closed the door on that condo and shut my car door and saw my puppies ready to go we hit the road. I think I cried the first 100 miles while I was driving back to my safe space. It was a 3 day drive and I remember the first night I stopped to find a hotel. I didn’t sleep most of the night because it was the first time in a long while I’ve been out in the world alone without him. I had a overwhelming sense of fear something was going to happen to me. Before I only feared him but now I was fearful of the whole damn world. It was a weird feeling because when I was with him he kept me safe from outside harm. I just was not safe inside the home.

When I finally made it to my safe place it was a whole other sense of emotions creeping up. I was finally free. He didn’t know where I was exactly but I know he probably knew what state I was going back too.

In the whirlwind of being “free” I had appointments set up with a domestic abuse advocate, apartment showings, and job interviews. I’m not going to lie I was completely overwhelmed. Like crying in a ball on the corner of my friends floor overwhelmed. Having to make decisions was terrifying. My brains first reaction was I need to check with him if this was ok, then that totally pissed me off, then I cried about it. I could go from 0 to meltdown real quick.

My DV advocate was fantastic with listening to my crazy meltdowns and assured me MANY times that it’s going to be an adjustment. I remember when I fist got back into town I needed to to go to Target to buy basic need type things. I had a meltdown in the shampoo aisle because it was completely overwhelming to make my own choices. Also the sound of a garage door opening would literally bring me to my knees. When I heard the door that meant he was home and my life was going to be difficult. At my friends house I heard the garage door each day and I still had a sense of dread. I still do and to be honest that one is one of my top triggers to break free from.

In the first month I was back I secured employment and found an apartment. The job was great and it really helped me build back my confidence. My apartment..not so much. Think back to where you thought was the worst place you lived. Then think worse than that and that was my new home. It was all I could afford but it was mine. As my new job was building me up I would come home to the reminder that I’m starting from nothing at 40. It was tough those first few months. Thrift store bought everything and sleeping on an air mattress.

I felt I was living a lie again. I was successful at work but falling backwards deep into depression when I would get home.I was making an amazing salary but the crushing debt I was in was limiting my ability to thrive financially. My credit cards were maxed out due to all of our moves over the years.

Therapy was helping a little but I was struggling to be completely honest on what I went through and how I was feeling currently. Reverting back to making sure everything was fine on the outside was easier than being honest. With my first therapist after the break..I never told her all the ugly details. I just couldn’t bring myself to say them out loud. I skimmed over everything and just said it was bad and he hurt me.

Those first few months were rough. All the emotions you can feel could happen all within an hour period. I never knew when a trigger would hit and how well I would handle it. I think I mentioned before that please never let anyone tell you how quick or what you should be doing to “get over it”. This year it will be 6 years since that day my world changed. I still have triggers, I still cry and I still have nightmares..but you know what? It’s not everyday anymore and sometimes not even monthly so it does get better. I promise. In the coming weeks I will get in more detail on what I did and how I baby stepped my back back to living the life I deserve.

Love you guys,

Amy