swearingtotallyhelps

Just a girl in this world who says F!@K alot as self care.

Random Panic Attacks: Death and Dognapping Edition

Hey all,

First off I want to say that I’m finally get our little blog in tip top shape. It’s been a long time coming but it’s happening. So if you see new changes or something very wonky here and there just know I’m probably crying and rocking in a corner somewhere trying to fix whatever I did to eff it up. Please hang in there with me and it should all be look great real soon.

So today I’m going to talk about panic attacks. Like out of nowhere slap in the face, knock you on your ass panic attacks. I had a doozy a few days ago. Let me set scene..

I’m at work minding my own damn business. I start to get really hot and feel woozy. My chest is starting to tighten up and my breaths become short and face. My “oh shit” meter is going off and I know I’m about to go to a place I don’t want to be.

This time I actually got myself into the bathroom. My work bathrooms are the best because they are full brick stalls and full heavy doors. For anyone that appreciates privacy you totally get what I mean. Not those cheap ass stalls you see with gaps. If I can see you, you can for sure see me.

I get inside and the tears immediately begin to flow. If I’m being completely honest most times I get these I don’t really know what it is that’s bothering me. Just something is not right and then I panic about it. This time it was so clear and completely random.

My main concern was that my boyfriend was going to die someday. Like it could be today or it could be 50 years from now. Who the hell knows but the only thing I’m focusing on is him dying and what the fuck am I going to do to not let that happen. I’m completely irrational at this point. Crying and trying to control my breathing. Trying to con myself by saying he will never die which I know is totally making it worse. Again I’m completely irrational at this point so you know what I did…?

I had another fucking thought pop up in my head mid attack. So not only do I think my boyfriend is dying but why not think about someone coming to steal my dog at the same time. WTF?!?!

So a while back I read during Covid people were stealing peoples dogs to get a ransom from the owner. We all remember Lady Gaga’s dog walker getting shot right? Well my brain took me to a place where my babies are going to get dog napped and I will never see them again. I will get attacked and have to live with the pain and guilt for not saving my babies.

Meanwhile I’m starting to realize how long I’ve been hiding in the bathroom and really need to get it together. My two totally random issues collided in a huge way and not in the nicest of ways. It was probably only 10 minutes but it felt like hours with the added stress of being at work.

I’m super hard on myself and tend to say some not so nice things about what I’m doing. “Get it together” “Just stop” “ Your being ridiculous” They are not really helpful at all. Please if you can remember to be patient with yourself. This is happening and you can do hard things. It will pass and you can tackle the problem when your calm. Lean into the feeling. Acknowledge it and tell yourself you will work on it.

I posted about my panic attacks before and here is the post I talk about my soothing methods.

https://swearingtotallyhelps.com/real-talk-anxiety-and-depression-pt-1/

One or all may work for you or none whatsoever. There is never a right or wrong way to handle them. It’s just a matter of finding what can get you through in the best way for you.

I always feel a little weird talking about mine because I’m writing this with a safe and calm mind. Looking back it’s still seems irrational but they come when they come I guess.

Thanks for being here as always and let’s all try to be kind to each other this week.

XOXO,

Amy

Domestic Violence in public: What should you do?

Hey All,

So today I wanted to chat about something that happened to me just the other day. A form of domestic violence out in the wild and in a VERY public setting.

It was a bit of a trigger for me only because I actually have not been around anything resembling my past since my relationship ended. I see things here and there in movies and I totally feel a type of way or change the channel or look away because it’s not actually happening to a real person. But this…this one was very much real and right in front of me.

So here is what happened that has me so upset..

We are in Florida so of course we have an annual pass for Disney. The happiest place on freaking earth. Maybe slightly less happy in August and 90 degrees with 100% humidity. But whatever. Still happy. We were walking around and enjoying the day and all of a sudden I hear “Shut the fuck up you stupid bitch” OMG ,my head whipped around so fast and I see a man screaming at his wife/girlfriend. She was also pushing a maybe 6 year old girl in a Minnie Mouse stroller. She had the face I know so well. Defeated and stone faced while trying to hold back tears. She was trying to be anywhere but there in that exact moment. Trying to hide and extremely embarressed.

It’s human nature to stop and stare so the amount of people that saw this was going to be expected. And it’s Disney so they are known for crowds anyway. Knowing there was eyes on him he kept going so that was not even an issue for him. He was calling her every name he could. Yelling at his daughter as well calling this child selfish and he could not believe she could be so inconsiderate. A FIVE YEAR OLD. He had a backpack and started throwing things out of it on the ground, threw his hat and the babies had into the bushes and stormed off. The poor woman had to pick up all the items off the floor, repack the backpack and soothe the now crying child. It was heartbreaking.

So what if anything should we do in moments like this? If you’re like me, I was taught to mind my own business. Do not stick your nose in things that does not concern you. Should you say something? Should you help her pick up all her things? Do I not make eye contact and just go about my day and pretend I didn’t see it? At what point do you intervene? Yelling, Throwing things at mom and baby, if he was punching the mom? What about the baby? What the hell should we do in this situation? It’s very murky waters to be surrounded in and most of us feel like we would do the right thing but at what level would you let it go to?

I feel most of us if we saw the guy hitting the child a bunch of us probably would have tackled him. But what about the mom? I’d say we’d lose about half. If he was just yelling and throwing things most of us wouldn’t have said anything at all and kept moving.

I’ll tell you what I did and why. Mom and I made eye contact. I mouthed are you ok? She mouthed back “yes and thank you”. I stayed back until she had her belongings and baby was ok and she moved along. I asked from afar. Made sure she knew I was there if needed and kept my distance.

Here is why.. We do not know her family or what’s best for it. We may want to run over and confront the guy and help but it could completely make things worse for her later. Asking her from afar if she is ok and acknowledge you are here to help if needed is really all you can do in that moment. Her guy could become even more enraged if she was talking or getting help. We don’t know the dynamics. She gave me a response that was was going to be ok. She didn’t have to and that would have been on too. I wasn’t entitled to an answer. She got herself together and baby was good. Emotionally it could not be easy but she was good enough for her to move forward.

My ex would become extremely jealous and angry if I spoke to strangers. I would get in so much trouble and it always ended badly in private. You have no idea if us going over there would do later. We respected her boundaries. As stated if physical harm to child or mom and she was trying to protect herself you have to make the call. But she let us know her boundaries and we were ok with that.

It’s totally ok to feel bad, upset, sick about it. That’s normal. You can worry and hope things get better but we are not there to fix it right then and there.

I still think about this woman and baby a full 48 hours later and hope everything is ok. Everyone has a different path and just because some of us are out or close to it she could just be starting her journey.

Have you seen things like this in public? How did you handle it. Has anyone helped or offered to while it was happening to you?

XOXO,

Amy

5 Types of Domestic Abuse: Sexual Abuse

Hey All,

So today it a tough one. I’m concluding my series on the 5 types of domestic abuse with the hardest one for me. Sexual abuse. I purposely kept pushing it to the side and did the others first but I can’t keep running since I have no choice but do it to finish the series.

To be completely honest with you I have been starting and stopping this post for the past 3 days. I’d sit down to write and then the triggers would start and then the nausea and then it was just easier for me to quit than to push through but today is the day and I’m going to move forward. Let’s get in to it.

First up what is it:

  • Intimate partner sexual assault and rape are used to intimidate, control and demean victims and survivors of domestic violence.
  • Intimate partner sexual assault could be rape, body shaming in a sexual nature, exploring your body for profit, forcing you to do uncomfortable things, and really just plain anything sexual mid body spirit that you say no too but it keeps going.

As we were going through all the 5 types I think I said before that I was in the unfortunate club of having my abuser do all 5 to me but by far the sexual abuse is the hardest for me to get over. It completely consumes me and is actually one of the biggest challenges in my current relationship.

My ex used sex as a way to stay in control and intimidate. I’m not 100% ready for all the gory details to be out there yet, and for sure do not want to trigger anyone else but the things he did made me wish I would have died right then and there. I used to go to a different place in my head and wait until he was gone. I wished so desperately the hands around my neck would make me pass out and I could just wake up and it would be over.

The physical acts of course hurt but the shame and mental pain hurt was worse, shutting down during the act would help me get though the present but I really didn’t know how to handle the aftermath after. The shame of feeling used. The humiliation. I remember after a particular episode he made me get up and get dressed because we had to go get dog food. All I could think of was you just completely raped me and there is blood everywhere and now you want to fucking go get dog food like it’s no big deal? I remember walking into the pet store so sore and defeated. I wanted to scream at the random people to help me. I was in the dog toy isle feeling the soft plush toys for my Chihuahua and the lady next to me looked over and said “these are so soft and cute”. I wanted to scream “I was just raped to an inch of my life less than an hour ago” I just remember I smiled and nodded. She went about her day and I gave the pink bunny a hug before I put it back on the shelf. I guess I needed that bunny more than my dog did.

I still have my physical scars I can see each and every time I take a shower. My mental triggers are there on certain things that can pop up out of nowhere but nobody really get the toll it can take on your next relationship when it comes to sex.

One thing I have noticed is that I have let myself go health, beauty, weight wise. It’s like the fatter or uglier I get nobody will want to touch me. I seriously didn’t plan this or do it intentionally but I just gave up and the weight kept coming on. The fat was my buffer.

I currently struggle to be intimate with my current partner. My therapist says it’s normal and valid and all the theripisty words they like to use to get me to understand that because of the trauma I received it will take time. I also feel extreme guilt that I’m not a sexual goddess to my new partner. I sometimes feel my ex has ruined sex for me and now I guess for my current partner to. I have no desire to want it. When we are doing it I feel nothing. I go back to a place far away but my current guy is not doing anything harmful. There should be no reason to even want to disappear during but I do. To me sex is stressful and something I feel I have to do because that’s what couples do. I love my guy with all my heart but it’s just that’s our biggest issue. Whew! That was hard to write.

My only advice for you if you are going through something like this is to keep continuing to make a plan and try and get out. I know it’s not easy. Fuck it..It’s extremely hard. Like you just finished a marathon hard and then you have to do another one back to back hard. It consumes you when you’re awake and when you’re asleep. Baby steps and keep moving forward. Try one little thing of self care a day to keep you focused on the end game which is to leave. You could be close to the door or the door looks a million miles away but at least the door is there. Little by little you will reach it.

I know I’m not the best writer or the best at processing information in a educational way for my readers but I will always speak my truth and try and help anyone that may need it. That’s what this blog is about for me. A little bit mental healing for me and a little bit helpful hopefully for others to let them know you are not alone.

Ok that’s all for today. Love you all and thanks for sticking with me on the hard ones.

XOXO

Amy

5 Types of Domestic Violence: Economic Financial Abuse

Hi all,

Continuing on in our series on types of domestic violence. We’ve covered physical and emotional/psychological abuse so far and you can read those posts below if you would like to catch up.

https://swearingtotallyhelps.com/5-types-of-domestic-violence-physical/

https://swearingtotallyhelps.com/5-types-of-domestic-violence-emotional-and-psychological/

This week we are going to chat on one that some don’t really think about. Economic or financial abuse.

Let’s first talk about what it is.

Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner’s access to economic resources, which diminishes the victim’s capacity to support themselves and forces them to depend on the perpetrator financially.

Some of the most common examples are.

1 Conceals financial information

2. Limits a victim’s access to assets

3 Controls a victim’s ability to

acquire money

4. Exploits a victim’s resources

5, Dictates how all family funds are

Physical abuse is completely unsafe and dangerous but I also feel like this one is the next one in line. Most domestic violence victims feel trapped to stay in dangerous situations that could escalate because they also do not have the resources to leave.

Their partner controls the finances and often times do so for this exact reason. Some have to ask for money to get food, clothes and basic needs. You rely on the abuser so much for pretty much everything you need as a human to stay alive. The thought of leaving is terrifying because you may not have one single dime when you leave.

Another form is not allowing you to make your own money. Your not allowed to work outside the home or online. Any money you receive has to go to them or in the “house” account that you never get to see. This is particularly hard because you always here advise saying save up and make a plan when you can get out. How can you save if you have no income.

I’ve had stories of survivors reach out that they started saving seriously by taking change from going to get groceries and loose change they find. It’s seriously that small of a start but it’s something.

Another option is if you have access to the internet I had an email from a survivor that she signed up for online surveys that paid to a PayPal account. Slow process but she felt like she was taking the time to build her self at least a little something.

But here is what I do want to say..if you ever feel like you are not safe or it’s escalating to a level it hasn’t before and you need to leave right away please do it. There are shelters and organizers like myself that will do whatever we need to do to keep you safe. No money in the bank will keep you alive if it gets that bad. Just leave if you can as safe as you can and it’s ok to rely on help in the beginning.

My abuser actually left me unannounced and took everything with him. At the time I was 3000 miles away from my closet friend and no means to get back to where I had a soft place to land. He took my furniture and any money we had together and left me with only my clothes.

It’s completely terrifying feeling so helpless and not sure how you will end up but trust me. There are enough people that care about you that will be there no matter what. I realized I had so many people willing to help once it was k own what had happened. A go fund me was set up and within days I had enough to get back to a safe place.

It was humbling to feel the love. People I didn’t even know sent me a little something. I cried with every ding of my phone alerting me. It was like a little hug.

Bottom line is safety first. If you can work out a plan safely then absolutely do so to minimize impact but please no matter what, do not stay because of the lack of stability. This community and the community has got your back.

XOXO,

Amy

5 Types of Domestic Violence: Emotional and Psychological

Hi all,

Getting back on task after having to say goodbye to our Lucy has been rough but it’s time. I wanted to continue talking about the 5 types of domestic violence.

Last time we chatted about physical. If you would like to revisit you can here…

https://swearingtotallyhelps.com/5-types-of-domestic-violence-physical/?amp=1

This time I want to talk about 2 out of the 5 since they can be interpreted as the same sometimes. They really are two distinct categories but they totally intertwine. Emotional and psychological abuse can hurt and cause damage if not more long lasting than the physical kind. My emotional scars have long since overpowered my physical ones. But let’s break it down.

Emotional abuse refers to the type of abuse that affects how someone feels. Being put down, isolated from friends and family, constantly criticized, being blamed for something you can’t control. There is no emotional growth between you and your abuser. You will always be in the wrong.

For me, my abuser started with minor things like commenting on an outfit not looking right or my hair was out of place. He would show concern everytime I went out with my friends or had drinks. At first I thought it was cute, but when it progressed to me not spending enough time with him or I was cheating everytime I went out..I just stopped going so there wouldn’t be an issue.

There was even a time if I needed to go to the store I had to ask if it was ok. If he was out of town or at work he would assume I was up to something because I didn’t want to wait until he got home. I would be in the house most days because going out meant a fight.

When we did fight that’s when the name calling kicked in. I swear he called me a fucking idiot more that he ever said my name. Stupid, crazy, dumb, idiot. Shut the fuck up was also the phrase of choice in our house.

I remember how those names made me feel. Worthless, empty, I even started to believe it. I would go into the shower and just cry my eyes out. Then he would always see my puffy eyes and ask what the hell was I crying about. He told me once he’s the one who should cry because of having to deal with me!! WTF?!?!

Psychological abuse falls close to emotional but psychological abuse involves trauma to the victim through behaviors that are used to “control, terrorize, and denigrate” victims. I guess I think of it as taking the emotional abuse up a notch. Next level stuff. Examples are gaslighting, (meaning making you second guess yourself). Telling you that you are wrong or mistaken when you know your right. Using anything you’ve said in confidence against you. Using threats to spark fear. Feeding you negative thoughts about things to control you.

Mine would tell me bad things would happen to me if I left the house. Nowhere is safe. If I go somewhere he has to go too so he could protect me. Another example is using a past insecurity against me. I had an ex cheat on me when I was younger and it crushed me. He used to tell me I was the reason he cheated because I didn’t do things he liked. Then he said he would too because that’s what happens if they don’t get things. Ugh.

You can see they can be pretty similar but once has a larger manipulation factor to it.

Don’t get me wrong when I say this but for me the verbal/psychological abuse messed me up the most. The physical hurt like hell and can absolutely have devastating outcomes. My injuries healed but my mind has not. I’m 3.5 years out of the abuse but the pain of the words and memories are still right here with me.

This is hard to admit but it’s my truth.. I would actually hope he would hit me instead of the hours long verbal assaults. Typically the physical wound last less time. Ugh I can’t believe I said that but there it is.

I will ALWAYS say that any and all abuse is wrong and one is not worse than the other. It’s not a contest. I think that’s why a lot feel if they are not getting hit or have brushes then they can’t come forward for help. I totally felt that way too. Mine was all 5 categories but the physical came last.

My hope for you is you can recognize the 5 types and make a plan to leave when safe to do so. You deserve all the love and more.

XOXO

Amy

I just had to put my dog to sleep and I’m spiraling

Well Shit, Fuck and every other goddamn swearword out there. I just had to put my beloved Frenchie LucyFur to sleep today. She was only 3. Only THREE!

Our Lucy had her first seizure about a year ago. I remember I was home alone since the boothing was out of town. I was just getting curled up in bed and all of a sudden our bed was shaking from underneath. My poor Lucy liked to sleep there sometimes. I look under and she was shaking so violently and foaming at the mouth I remember I screamed and panicked and went into crazy WTF do I do mode. To the Emergency vet we went.

That night seamed like forever ago. In the mean time we have had countless vet appointments, neurologists, trips to the ER, late night pharmacy runs and never-ending calls to Nationwide insurance to see if things were covered with her pet insurance.

We rearranged our whole lives over her 3 times a day pill time. Tried all the sneaky ways of hiding them. Cheese, Peanut butter, ham and turkey. She was a honey ham kind of girl. We had our Alexia alerts shout out reminders. She got to know her voice and when she said LucyFur pill time she actually got up and went to the fridge because of course that’s where the ham is.

We politely declined invites, passed on things we wanted to do, and postponed reservations so we could be home so we didn’t miss any dose.

Over this past year our Lucy progressively got worse. Where she would have had a seizure once every few months to then weeks to cluster seizures each hour and over the last 2 days..every 20 min. I felt so helpless. They say they do not feel them when it’s happening but I know for damn sure they feel different when they come out of it. She was lethargic, drooling, and sometimes could not control her bowels.

This morning she could not keep her head up, was not responding to sights or sounds and the seizures were coming so fast that there was barely any recovery time. It was time. We knew her life was going to be cut short by her condition but we were not prepared to say goodbye at 3 years old.

That long drive to the vet was only 15 minutes but with each passing mile I was screaming inside and wanted it to take 15 hours. We pull into the parking lot with my BF holding her in his lap willing for her to give us a sign. I wanted to put the car back in gear and get the hell out of there. What the Fuck was I thinking?

We sat there for 10 minutes before I could even figure out how to get my feet out of the car in order to walk into the building. I went in first to tell them we were here. I called earlier and I was impressed they actually understood my info through my tears.

Fast forward to the end. She was gone. I can’t bare to relive in words but if you have ever had to do this then you know the drill. Cry, say goodbye, stop breathing, cry, hug and feel like the biggest piece of shit that you could not save her and then have to leave her body with strangers.

My heart hurts. My body hurts, my soul hurts. For me already struggling with anxiety and depression I worry about how to handle and how to move forward without a complete meltdown. Self care and listening to my body is key. I have been napping, crying we it pops up, eating comfort food and scrolling through the 1..2 million pictures of her on my phone. Laughing, snorting, crying and hurt all at once.

I know she is not suffering but I am. I’m being selfish and need her here. The apartment is lonely and weird without her. I have 3 other Frenchies who I love and adore but it’s not her and I only want her right now.

I keep telling myself grief is normal and I’m doing ok. I know I will be but I’m going to just sit with my pain for a while and listen to what I’m feeling.

Just wanted to pop on and get my thoughts out. Thank you for listening. Love you all.

XOXO

Amy

5 Types of Domestic Violence: Physical

Hi all, 

In the next week or so I’m going to talk about the 5 types of domestic violence. We can break down so many types of abuse into smaller categories but these 5 are the starting points. 

These next few posts should come with a warning. No matter where you are in your journey it can always be painful hearing and reading others stories. If your not ready, it’s ok. Bookmark us and come back as a resource when you can. We will be here:)

So let’s dig in..

The 5 major types of domestic violence are considered: Physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and physiological. 

Each one by itself can be devastating but unfortunately most times a lot of these are combined. My own story has all 5 front and center. 

Today we are going to chat about the physical part. Domestic violence in most peoples minds is physical. We see movies of victims bruised faces,billboards of sad, tired black eyes. We know famous stories of celebrities that spoke out like Tina Turner and Rihanna. If you ask any random person on the street and have them explain domestic violence it would almost always be the physical side. 

In reality most domestic survivors say the physical side was a slow progression. The other pillars lead up to it. 

The majority of shelters see victims only come for help when it gets to this point. Fearing for more harm and trying to save their lives. For some, feeling like they can’t get help unless it gets physical is so painful to hear. Abuse isn’t judged on how bad it gets. 

My own story was exactly that. It didn’t just start as a fast punch to the face but once that first form of physical violence shows itself it’s already going down a dangerous path.

If you haven’t read my story you can do so below.

Domestic Physical abuse is considered any touching contact that is intended to hurt or cause harm. A punch, slap, kick, shove, push, choke, hit with an object or being held down when you are not allowed to move are forms of physical abuse. If your parter is hurting your body with intent to harm you are physically being abused. Sexual abuse is a form of physical but due to it being on a whole other level it gets it own category.

Did you know it take an average of 7 tries to leave an abusing partner? Meanwhile each episode things progress worse and worse. 

Please know your situation and if you feel you are in danger you need to make a plan when safe to do so. It’s scary and the fear of leaving everything with no next steps can be hard. The only step you need to do is find a way to safely. There are so many wonderful people and organizations here with open arms and we got you. I promise. 

If you or someone you know needs help please reach out to someone on our resources page or if you just need to talk or have a friend there are so many that will listen. I see you and if you need a quick moment of knowing your not alone let me know and I will do what I can to help. 

Just please know you are not alone. I got you. We ALL got you. 

Xoxo

Amy

Guest posts: Are you willing to share in a safe place?

Guest posts: Are you looking to share in a safe place? 

This blog for the past 6 months has been all about me, myself, my asshole abusive ex, and I. It’s been so freeing to be able to voice my truth and to possibly help others in the process. It’s also been scary as hell to see it all out there. 

I know I’m not alone in my journey because I know the unfortunate stats about domestic violence. So many suffer in silence, some have just broke free and others are fed up and planning a getaway. Whatever stage you are in, now, recent or like me 3 years out we all need each other. We need to know we are not alone. You have a voice and you are most definitely worth being heard. 

If you would like to share your story with us and you feel safe to do so let’s chat. I will keep you protected if needed. If you also have a space for others to go I will promote. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Your story could be the one that helps just 1 person heal.

Email us at hello@swearingtotallyhelps.com

Xoxo,

Amy

It’s the 4th of July and I am in panic mode

Hey All,

For most Americans, today is all about get togethers, BBQ’s, celebrating our countries birthday with a day off and ending the day with fireworks.

For me, this weekend is my annual checking myself into a fancy hotel, spa days and drinking myself sleepy until I’m sound asleep before I even hear a boom go off.

My name is Amy and I am 44 years old and I am completely terrified of fireworks. Yup. There I said it. Sudden loud noises have always been a fear of mine. Fireworks, thunder, cars backfiring, guns, horns, etc. I’ve been this way since I was a little girl and guess what? I never grew out of it as most people would say.

I have always tried to pinpoint where/when/why it started and I can only think of one possible thing. I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to laugh ok? When I was 4 or 5 my mom and her friend would go bowling on Saturday nights and her friends 16 year old son would always have to babysit me. Two single moms did what they could to have a few hours off so we were an unlikely pair. We would always be at our house since I was always sent to bed way earlier I felt probably so his 16 year old self could do what 16 year olds do. I was a pretty stubborn kid so as a punishment he did this..again don’t laugh ok? We had an extremely old microwave in the house. It wasn’t digital and it was a turn dial. And back in the day it wasn’t the little beeps you hear today…it was a super loud alarm and I was scared of it. So if I didn’t go to bed and stay there he told me he was going to set the microwave for 10 seconds and hold me there to watch the countdown. Some savage torture shit for a 5 year old. I called his bluff and the monster that he was did it. (ps. totally not a monster and we joke about it today) He held me still with my arm around my chest and 10. 9. 8. …. I was screaming and then BAM! it was so loud and scary and he know I would run right to bed after that. I mean it totally worked but for sure there had to be other way right. RIGHT?!?!?!

So I’m not totally sure if that was my trigger for loud noises but that’s really all I can remember. Fireworks, storms when I know they are coming I can plan. I’m currently in a hotel drinking my wine and will order a nice dinner then night night and wake up the next day knowing I made it though. There is always the asshole that has them leftover though and like to blow them off in my neighborhood for another few days. Those are the hard ones to plan for. For storms I am glued to the radar on my phone and when I think it’s time to hide I grab my headphones and turn up my music and hide in the bathroom farthest away from any outside walls or windows. Gotta have a system people. My friends joke that I need a human size Thunder Shirt that are for dogs.

I know my fears are not rational or even comparable to our military heroes. I always think of them this time of year as well. Some suffer from severe PTSD and fireworks can trigger so many things for them. I think of all the pets and wildlife that have no idea what the hell is happening as well.

I’m for sure not one of those that are trying to ban fireworks and take away peoples fun (I would do a little dance if it actually happened though). I want everyone to enjoy the holiday and eat themselves silly with BBQ. I am perfectly happy that I just got my facial and nails done and I’m watching bad reality housewives of somewhere with my fave bottle of wine. Oh and my dogs are here too and they get big bones later. We are doing it up people.

Happy 4th!

Xoxo,

Amy

Faking it until you emotionally make it.

Hey all,

I’m Amy. I’m a business owner, significant other, dog mom, lover of bad reality tv,blogger,and a goal to open a domestic violence non profit. 

ALSO

I’m Amy. My business is on the verge of collapse. My significant other and I struggle at times from my DV past. My dogs poop on the floor when angry. I can spend a depression filled workday in front of the TV comparing myself to housewives from cities I’ve never been to. My blog only has 26 followers and my goal of a domestic violence non profit is only a goal because I haven’t started on it yet due to feeling overwhelmed. 

Same person and both are true. One is just a bit more in depth on the original statement. A bit more negative for sure. 

If you read the first statement it sounds like I’m living the dream and accomplished a lot. In reality I’m struggling with things and not where I need to be. 

Both are ok. 

I’m still working to save my online business so I’m technically still a business owner. My dream of opening a shelter is very much real it just has steps to it and will not be an overnight thing. 

What I do know is I can be quite hard on myself so the second introduction is what I feel most days. The ugly truth. 

I’m actually trying to do better and see myself as the 1st paragraph. I say fake it but it’s still my truth but faking my emotional state until things are a bit better helps me get through the hard stuff. 

I still struggle with hard business facts but I do remind myself that I’ve survived some bigger challenges than this so I know I can turn it around. 

Not a ton to say today but just a personal reminder to myself you can do it and so can all of you. 

Also if your a small business owner send me an email and I’ll take a peak at your pages. 

Xoxo

Amy