Domestic Violence

5 Types of Domestic Violence: Economic Financial Abuse

Hi all,

Continuing on in our series on types of domestic violence. We’ve covered physical and emotional/psychological abuse so far and you can read those posts below if you would like to catch up.

https://swearingtotallyhelps.com/5-types-of-domestic-violence-physical/

https://swearingtotallyhelps.com/5-types-of-domestic-violence-emotional-and-psychological/

This week we are going to chat on one that some don’t really think about. Economic or financial abuse.

Let’s first talk about what it is.

Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner’s access to economic resources, which diminishes the victim’s capacity to support themselves and forces them to depend on the perpetrator financially.

Some of the most common examples are.

1 Conceals financial information

2. Limits a victim’s access to assets

3 Controls a victim’s ability to

acquire money

4. Exploits a victim’s resources

5, Dictates how all family funds are

Physical abuse is completely unsafe and dangerous but I also feel like this one is the next one in line. Most domestic violence victims feel trapped to stay in dangerous situations that could escalate because they also do not have the resources to leave.

Their partner controls the finances and often times do so for this exact reason. Some have to ask for money to get food, clothes and basic needs. You rely on the abuser so much for pretty much everything you need as a human to stay alive. The thought of leaving is terrifying because you may not have one single dime when you leave.

Another form is not allowing you to make your own money. Your not allowed to work outside the home or online. Any money you receive has to go to them or in the “house” account that you never get to see. This is particularly hard because you always here advise saying save up and make a plan when you can get out. How can you save if you have no income.

I’ve had stories of survivors reach out that they started saving seriously by taking change from going to get groceries and loose change they find. It’s seriously that small of a start but it’s something.

Another option is if you have access to the internet I had an email from a survivor that she signed up for online surveys that paid to a PayPal account. Slow process but she felt like she was taking the time to build her self at least a little something.

But here is what I do want to say..if you ever feel like you are not safe or it’s escalating to a level it hasn’t before and you need to leave right away please do it. There are shelters and organizers like myself that will do whatever we need to do to keep you safe. No money in the bank will keep you alive if it gets that bad. Just leave if you can as safe as you can and it’s ok to rely on help in the beginning.

My abuser actually left me unannounced and took everything with him. At the time I was 3000 miles away from my closet friend and no means to get back to where I had a soft place to land. He took my furniture and any money we had together and left me with only my clothes.

It’s completely terrifying feeling so helpless and not sure how you will end up but trust me. There are enough people that care about you that will be there no matter what. I realized I had so many people willing to help once it was k own what had happened. A go fund me was set up and within days I had enough to get back to a safe place.

It was humbling to feel the love. People I didn’t even know sent me a little something. I cried with every ding of my phone alerting me. It was like a little hug.

Bottom line is safety first. If you can work out a plan safely then absolutely do so to minimize impact but please no matter what, do not stay because of the lack of stability. This community and the community has got your back.

XOXO,

Amy

Author Stories, Domestic Violence, Relationships

5 Types of Domestic Violence: Emotional and Psychological

Hi all,

Getting back on task after having to say goodbye to our Lucy has been rough but it’s time. I wanted to continue talking about the 5 types of domestic violence.

Last time we chatted about physical. If you would like to revisit you can here…

https://swearingtotallyhelps.com/5-types-of-domestic-violence-physical/?amp=1

This time I want to talk about 2 out of the 5 since they can be interpreted as the same sometimes. They really are two distinct categories but they totally intertwine. Emotional and psychological abuse can hurt and cause damage if not more long lasting than the physical kind. My emotional scars have long since overpowered my physical ones. But let’s break it down.

Emotional abuse refers to the type of abuse that affects how someone feels. Being put down, isolated from friends and family, constantly criticized, being blamed for something you can’t control. There is no emotional growth between you and your abuser. You will always be in the wrong.

For me, my abuser started with minor things like commenting on an outfit not looking right or my hair was out of place. He would show concern everytime I went out with my friends or had drinks. At first I thought it was cute, but when it progressed to me not spending enough time with him or I was cheating everytime I went out..I just stopped going so there wouldn’t be an issue.

There was even a time if I needed to go to the store I had to ask if it was ok. If he was out of town or at work he would assume I was up to something because I didn’t want to wait until he got home. I would be in the house most days because going out meant a fight.

When we did fight that’s when the name calling kicked in. I swear he called me a fucking idiot more that he ever said my name. Stupid, crazy, dumb, idiot. Shut the fuck up was also the phrase of choice in our house.

I remember how those names made me feel. Worthless, empty, I even started to believe it. I would go into the shower and just cry my eyes out. Then he would always see my puffy eyes and ask what the hell was I crying about. He told me once he’s the one who should cry because of having to deal with me!! WTF?!?!

Psychological abuse falls close to emotional but psychological abuse involves trauma to the victim through behaviors that are used to “control, terrorize, and denigrate” victims. I guess I think of it as taking the emotional abuse up a notch. Next level stuff. Examples are gaslighting, (meaning making you second guess yourself). Telling you that you are wrong or mistaken when you know your right. Using anything you’ve said in confidence against you. Using threats to spark fear. Feeding you negative thoughts about things to control you.

Mine would tell me bad things would happen to me if I left the house. Nowhere is safe. If I go somewhere he has to go too so he could protect me. Another example is using a past insecurity against me. I had an ex cheat on me when I was younger and it crushed me. He used to tell me I was the reason he cheated because I didn’t do things he liked. Then he said he would too because that’s what happens if they don’t get things. Ugh.

You can see they can be pretty similar but once has a larger manipulation factor to it.

Don’t get me wrong when I say this but for me the verbal/psychological abuse messed me up the most. The physical hurt like hell and can absolutely have devastating outcomes. My injuries healed but my mind has not. I’m 3.5 years out of the abuse but the pain of the words and memories are still right here with me.

This is hard to admit but it’s my truth.. I would actually hope he would hit me instead of the hours long verbal assaults. Typically the physical wound last less time. Ugh I can’t believe I said that but there it is.

I will ALWAYS say that any and all abuse is wrong and one is not worse than the other. It’s not a contest. I think that’s why a lot feel if they are not getting hit or have brushes then they can’t come forward for help. I totally felt that way too. Mine was all 5 categories but the physical came last.

My hope for you is you can recognize the 5 types and make a plan to leave when safe to do so. You deserve all the love and more.

XOXO

Amy

Uncategorized

I just had to put my dog to sleep and I’m spiraling

Well Shit, Fuck and every other goddamn swearword out there. I just had to put my beloved Frenchie LucyFur to sleep today. She was only 3. Only THREE!

Our Lucy had her first seizure about a year ago. I remember I was home alone since the boothing was out of town. I was just getting curled up in bed and all of a sudden our bed was shaking from underneath. My poor Lucy liked to sleep there sometimes. I look under and she was shaking so violently and foaming at the mouth I remember I screamed and panicked and went into crazy WTF do I do mode. To the Emergency vet we went.

That night seamed like forever ago. In the mean time we have had countless vet appointments, neurologists, trips to the ER, late night pharmacy runs and never-ending calls to Nationwide insurance to see if things were covered with her pet insurance.

We rearranged our whole lives over her 3 times a day pill time. Tried all the sneaky ways of hiding them. Cheese, Peanut butter, ham and turkey. She was a honey ham kind of girl. We had our Alexia alerts shout out reminders. She got to know her voice and when she said LucyFur pill time she actually got up and went to the fridge because of course that’s where the ham is.

We politely declined invites, passed on things we wanted to do, and postponed reservations so we could be home so we didn’t miss any dose.

Over this past year our Lucy progressively got worse. Where she would have had a seizure once every few months to then weeks to cluster seizures each hour and over the last 2 days..every 20 min. I felt so helpless. They say they do not feel them when it’s happening but I know for damn sure they feel different when they come out of it. She was lethargic, drooling, and sometimes could not control her bowels.

This morning she could not keep her head up, was not responding to sights or sounds and the seizures were coming so fast that there was barely any recovery time. It was time. We knew her life was going to be cut short by her condition but we were not prepared to say goodbye at 3 years old.

That long drive to the vet was only 15 minutes but with each passing mile I was screaming inside and wanted it to take 15 hours. We pull into the parking lot with my BF holding her in his lap willing for her to give us a sign. I wanted to put the car back in gear and get the hell out of there. What the Fuck was I thinking?

We sat there for 10 minutes before I could even figure out how to get my feet out of the car in order to walk into the building. I went in first to tell them we were here. I called earlier and I was impressed they actually understood my info through my tears.

Fast forward to the end. She was gone. I can’t bare to relive in words but if you have ever had to do this then you know the drill. Cry, say goodbye, stop breathing, cry, hug and feel like the biggest piece of shit that you could not save her and then have to leave her body with strangers.

My heart hurts. My body hurts, my soul hurts. For me already struggling with anxiety and depression I worry about how to handle and how to move forward without a complete meltdown. Self care and listening to my body is key. I have been napping, crying we it pops up, eating comfort food and scrolling through the 1..2 million pictures of her on my phone. Laughing, snorting, crying and hurt all at once.

I know she is not suffering but I am. I’m being selfish and need her here. The apartment is lonely and weird without her. I have 3 other Frenchies who I love and adore but it’s not her and I only want her right now.

I keep telling myself grief is normal and I’m doing ok. I know I will be but I’m going to just sit with my pain for a while and listen to what I’m feeling.

Just wanted to pop on and get my thoughts out. Thank you for listening. Love you all.

XOXO

Amy

Author Stories, Domestic Violence

5 Types of Domestic Violence: Physical

Hi all, 

In the next week or so I’m going to talk about the 5 types of domestic violence. We can break down so many types of abuse into smaller categories but these 5 are the starting points. 

These next few posts should come with a warning. No matter where you are in your journey it can always be painful hearing and reading others stories. If your not ready, it’s ok. Bookmark us and come back as a resource when you can. We will be here:)

So let’s dig in..

The 5 major types of domestic violence are considered: Physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and physiological. 

Each one by itself can be devastating but unfortunately most times a lot of these are combined. My own story has all 5 front and center. 

Today we are going to chat about the physical part. Domestic violence in most peoples minds is physical. We see movies of victims bruised faces,billboards of sad, tired black eyes. We know famous stories of celebrities that spoke out like Tina Turner and Rihanna. If you ask any random person on the street and have them explain domestic violence it would almost always be the physical side. 

In reality most domestic survivors say the physical side was a slow progression. The other pillars lead up to it. 

The majority of shelters see victims only come for help when it gets to this point. Fearing for more harm and trying to save their lives. For some, feeling like they can’t get help unless it gets physical is so painful to hear. Abuse isn’t judged on how bad it gets. 

My own story was exactly that. It didn’t just start as a fast punch to the face but once that first form of physical violence shows itself it’s already going down a dangerous path.

If you haven’t read my story you can do so below.

Domestic Physical abuse is considered any touching contact that is intended to hurt or cause harm. A punch, slap, kick, shove, push, choke, hit with an object or being held down when you are not allowed to move are forms of physical abuse. If your parter is hurting your body with intent to harm you are physically being abused. Sexual abuse is a form of physical but due to it being on a whole other level it gets it own category.

Did you know it take an average of 7 tries to leave an abusing partner? Meanwhile each episode things progress worse and worse. 

Please know your situation and if you feel you are in danger you need to make a plan when safe to do so. It’s scary and the fear of leaving everything with no next steps can be hard. The only step you need to do is find a way to safely. There are so many wonderful people and organizations here with open arms and we got you. I promise. 

If you or someone you know needs help please reach out to someone on our resources page or if you just need to talk or have a friend there are so many that will listen. I see you and if you need a quick moment of knowing your not alone let me know and I will do what I can to help. 

Just please know you are not alone. I got you. We ALL got you. 

Xoxo

Amy

Guest Post

Guest posts: Are you willing to share in a safe place?

Guest posts: Are you looking to share in a safe place? 

This blog for the past 6 months has been all about me, myself, my asshole abusive ex, and I. It’s been so freeing to be able to voice my truth and to possibly help others in the process. It’s also been scary as hell to see it all out there. 

I know I’m not alone in my journey because I know the unfortunate stats about domestic violence. So many suffer in silence, some have just broke free and others are fed up and planning a getaway. Whatever stage you are in, now, recent or like me 3 years out we all need each other. We need to know we are not alone. You have a voice and you are most definitely worth being heard. 

If you would like to share your story with us and you feel safe to do so let’s chat. I will keep you protected if needed. If you also have a space for others to go I will promote. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Your story could be the one that helps just 1 person heal.

Email us at hello@swearingtotallyhelps.com

Xoxo,

Amy