Author: swearingtotallyhelps

Just a girl in this world who says F!@K alot as self care.
Hello 2025.. Please don’t suck!
anxiety · Depression · Personal Stories

Hello 2025.. Please don’t suck!

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Happy New Year everyone!

Or if your not into the big grand celebrations..Happy I hope you deal with less crap than 2024 dished out.

It’s been far to long and I can explain..I really can!

So what had happened was..

Depression, anxiety, weight gain, health issues, losing a pet, not having a permanent place to live. If all these sound like excuses well I could only wish. If you have been following my story you have seen all these things go up and down like a damn roller coaster at Universal Studios. I have good and bad days but damn if 2024 didn’t thoroughly kick my expanded overweight booty.

No excuses.. just raw emotions here. I dropped the ball on so many things. I threw my hands up and said eff it. I hid in my bed, I refused to go anywhere because it just seemed like too much work and I pretty much gave up on everything. My work, relationship, friendships and everything I relied on suffered. It hasn’t been pretty my friends.

It’s always hard to accept when things are not good. It’s even harder to ask for help. Even worse to put it out there for the internet to see. From the beginning of this blog I always said I wasn’t going to sugar coat things. To be real and raw. To talk about things from my past and to help others if I can.

But how can I help others if I am a hot mess myself? Honestly I don’t know. All I can say is that it is too damn scary to do it alone. If you’re alone too just know there are a lot of us out here silently struggling and if I can just be there though the screen or in emails or on social media, I will be. You are not alone. I am not alone. We got this!

So what the heck has been going on? Why have I disappeared?

My depression and anxiety has been completely out of control. I am currently on meds but honestly I may need to have them adjusted. I take them regularly each morning but I still have an overly sense of dread most days. My self esteem has been so low that it’s actually painful thinking of having to get up and put on a brave face. I fake it the best I can but I just know I’m doing a poor job at it.

Nothing seems right. Nothing sparks joy or things I’ve loved now seem like a pain. The amount of anxiety I have over just doing basic things is unbearable. Having to get dressed, trying to look presentable, making sure my eyes are not as puffy from a night of crying. I have completely given up on my appearance, I am 199.98 pound. My 5’3 frame is screaming from the pain of the weight.

I always hear my abuser’s voice in my head during these times. After almost 6 years free..his words haunt me. You will never amount to anything. I wish you were dead, I hate you, your ugly, your worthless. In my darkest moments I believe him.

But then on my good days I see light. I see that I am away from being beaten, I have a job that pays well, I’m slowing digging my way out of all the debt I let myself slide into, and I am way better off than I was before. I have drive, I have ambition, I tell myself I can live the life I deserve. I’m worth it.

Until I’m not…

Until I make a mistake, until I can’t fit in my outfits, until I miss a goal I had for the day. I fall right back in line of hating myself again.

After a while the bad days were taking over the good days and I was less and less productive. If you have been following me you can absolutely see the drop off in posts. I completely gave up.

So here I am putting all my baggage out into the world again. Hoping by being out there and honest I can get that spark again. To see others like myself and know that I’m not perfect but a work in process. I have hope that with patience and hard work the negative will get the hell out of here and the girl I used to be before the trauma will come back. She was pretty cool!

So here’s to 2025! I am begging you to please be kind, to not suck, and to heal myself and others like me. Oh and if you are feeling generous you can throw some extra cash my way too. I’m not to the point of having to do a Squid games situation yet but I feel like I would be a prime candidate that the recruiter would go for!

How was 2024 for you all? Better or worse than the year before. Are you looking forward to anything in 2025?

Just know I’m back and here to talk it out as always,

Xoxo,

Amy

Abuse · In the News

Why the Diddy thing is so triggering to Domestic Violence survivors.

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Whew! Here we go.. Lets get into this.

It took me a few days to actually calm the fuck down after hearing his bullshit apology. We all have seen the progression of this story. It’s all too familiar.

Girl has enough strength to come forward to tell her story. People drag her though the mud saying she lies. Guy comes out saying she is tarnishing his reputation and denies any and all wrong doing. Video comes out explaining EXACTLY what girl says. Guys then apologizes and says he was “in a dark place and sought out therapy” All without ever apologizing directly to the girl. He’s just sorry the video came out.

So many things to unpack here.

When Cassie first came out and told her truth we all had somewhat of an idea that it could be totally true. We have known Diddy to be not the greatest of people. So many rumors have swirled around this man for years. So what pissed me off from the beginning is the comments saying she’s lying. She’s doing it for the money. Why didn’t she come forward sooner if it was true?

How inconsiderate can you honestly be? Regardless if you come forward right away or when you feel the strength to do so, who are we to judge this? Trauma and fear is a real thing and going up against a “powerful” man who has gotten away with this behavior for years could make anyone rethink if they should. Being a money grab? Do you not think she should be compensated for her pain and suffering? That’s a personal opinion everyone can answer but I don’t hate her for it. Each and everyday lawyers win lawsuits for personal compensation. The word money grab was just thrown out there because the asshole denied it for so long.

So once she comes out.. the denials follow. The breaking her down. The lawyers doing the lawyer talk but yet Diddy settles immediately. The girl got what she wanted right?. A payday! that was the narrative. Diddy’s lawyer said some bullshit like paying and settling does not assume guilt. Ok fine..we all know he was never going to admit it anyway. This is when the “poor me”, I’m being attacked and my character is trying to be tarnished started.

Honesty reading this again just makes me sick. Everything in the dark comes out in the light!

Fast forward to last week when the “sickening allegations” turned into facts. Into Proof. Into validation for Cassie and for all of us who have put up with the lies and denials. This video right here was what we wanted but never wanted to relive.

The blow by blow. The punching, kicking, dragging and throwing things. It’s all there. Everything this woman said was on the tape. Now what?

Silence. Silence for days. Not a peep from Mr. Denial. I can just imagine his lawyer. Heartburn meds and sleepless nights I’m sure. I don’t judge lawyers. Its a job but this dude seriously has had a hell of a few months with this guy.

When we finally do get the “apology” video it was as expected. I was in a bad place. I sought therapy. I was disgusted by what I saw on the tape and still am. Blah Blah Blah. He said sorry but to whom? I sure as hell didn’t here Cassies name mentioned.He says he can’t say her name due to legal reasons.

All of this is just so triggering for us that has lived this. Having to see the video. Feeling those emotions she must have felt in that moment. The blatant disrespect of everyone saying she is lying. The man who clearly on video IS doing those things giving a bullshit apology. We will always remember seeing the video and calling him for what he is but unfortunately nothing can be done about it.

He had to give his excuse of an apology because he was probably advised to do so. No criminal action can be taken says the police. He will be on the news cycle for weeks and everyone will talk shit and then we will move on to the next horrible event that happens in the world and he will go back on living his life. He will absolutely serve time in the public option. He will lose sponsorships and business deals. All we can hope is that whatever other shady shit he has done will come to light and the piss poor statue of limitations will still be in play.

I could care less what happens to this man and how his future looks. Preferably miserable or in prison. What I really want to see changed is how we treat our women and when they come forward let’s believe them until we know for sure. There of course are some bad ones out there that do it to actually hurt men. To lie and to gain something from it. But I honestly will always believe you until there is some reason where I can’t. Most guys will say that’s not fair to be targeted that way if it’s not true. What I hear when they say that is “I am the more dominant human here and womans feeling do not matter”

How can we stand up strong and have a voice when we are telling the truth and get even more beatdown for it then the actual event that we are talking about? How can we change the people around the abuser to come forward and say “Hey man.. That’s not right?” The ones who enable and hide the behavior are just contributing to the problem. Maybe they don’t even think what is happening is wrong. Maybe they are on the payroll of the powerful? Would that be considered a money grab? Knowing it’s wrong but taking the money to keep quiet?

What about the hotel that slept on this video for almost 10 years? What employee took the money instead of coming forward that a crime was committed. Was that a money grab?

Just so many things money can do to fail a victim here. No wonder it is hard to come forward again the powerful.

To anyone that has been told you are lying. You are just petty and trying to destroy someone. For every time you tried to tell your story but was silenced. To everyone that has to wake up the next day and cover your bruises and to live with the pain and aches…

I SEE YOU. I HEAR YOU. I BELIEVE YOU!

I am you. You are me. We will get though this together. We are in a group that should never even be formed. Please know you are not alone even though you feel like nobody cares. Nobody believes you. WE know the truth. We are here for you and please reach out to someone you trust even if just to talk.

YOU ARE ENOUGH!

XOXO,

Amy

anxiety · Personal Stories

Why taking a break is ok.

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Hi my name is Amy. Remember me? I’m that girl that writes about domestic violence and all the crazy things we have to go through in life and likes to say the F word more than she should.

Sometimes we all know life can get a little messy and we need to just sit our asses down and breathe.

That was me. It kind of still is but i’m slowly getting back to it and I missed my little community here. 

Here is the excuses..I mean reasons..for my month long disappearence.

1. I had a unexpected 2 and a half week work trip to Mexico. More on that in a minute.

2. My depression and anxiety decided to show up in the worst possible way and I actually had a life changing event happen.

3. Both of these things just happened to happen at the exact same time. 

You haven’t lived until you have a full blown panic attack across international waters.

So what have I been up to and why was taking a break so important?

My mental health has always had it’s ups and downs since my abusive relationship ended. One minute I am doing my thing and feeling like I am moving though life relatively legit like a normal human should. Bills are getting paid, getting the mundane tasks like laundry, doctor’s vistis for me and my fur babies scheduled and always wondering what the heck to have for dinner. 

But the last month or so I seriously felt those tasks start to slip. My energy levels were way down. I would wake up exhausted, power though the day and when it came time for bed.. wide awake and then the cycle continued day after day, week after week. 

I felt myself getting more and more agitated over little things. I would cry at the full spectrum of things. Sappy tv commercials (I’m looking at you Publix) or the news about something sad and unthinkable. I would start to tear up if my significant other even had a slight change of tone with me. 

All the signs of my mental health slipping were there and I was slipping fast.

Work was getting a bit stressful, home life was too much to bear with us bickering back and forth and I was just over EVERY. DAMN. THING.

I managed to get myself to the doctor finally and let them know my struggles. Adjusted some meds, took a few lab tests to check a few things and realized something a bit concerning.

My doctors told me that I recently had a silent heart attack. What the entire fuck? Silent for sure because I had no clue and was completely baffled by the words they were saying to me. Immediately I was hooked up to a few more machines where they could scope out my heart further. Cardiologist’s discussed the condition of my heart and the next steps in making sure the next one was not silent!

After processing and learning more about heart health, especially in women, I am learning that the constant stress from my past relationship, the new stress of working through those emotions, and years of not being able to take the best care of myself has contributed to my heart attack.

I have to completely adjust to a new way of handling things whether I like it or not. I have no choice. It gets a bit tricky when you still have major triggers that can bring on panic attacks or your fear reflex is on high alert. Stress and panic is honestly part of my everyday. Hate to admit that but it’s so true. Now they tell me not to panic because of my heart..which totally makes me panic more to be honest.

Let’s just say it’s been an adjustment.

While I have been dealing with my medical issues I had a pretty amazing opportunity through work come up.

I work in hospitality for an amazing upscale luxury hotel brand. From time to time other hotels in the family are lacking staff or need help durning busy seasons so they ask other properties if they can send help. This time the help is me and the help needed is in beautiful Mexico. Beaches, mountains, tacos, tequila and sunny days? Sign me up.

My assignment was two and a half weeks and honestly it was the break in my everyday that I truly didn’t know I needed. Life as I described earlier was hectic. Dogs, man, messy house, and just feeling trapped inside of my own personal hell.

Accepting the position did come with its own challenges. My panic meter spiked after I said yes. Traveling alone to another country where I speak absolutely NO Spanish started to make me nervous. The resort I was going to was safe but it was in the middle of nowhere. Nearest town would be an hour away. Once you are there you are there. Do I need to pack EVERYTHING? What if I need something and I can’t get it. These were my thoughts. Then I tell myself I’m going to be living in the most luxe resort and knowing my company like I do, going without isn’t an option. If you need it they will get it.

It all happened a bit fast. From accepting the offer to flying out was a few days. I packed and took care of everything at home and hopped on that plane with a hope things will all be ok. It was until it wasn’t.

Mid flight I had a pretty bad panic attack. Like I had to get up from my window seat, bother the two others to get up and headed to the small bathroom to cry in peace. This was all too much for me I think. Having a major health issue, leaving my support system at home and being alone for a while maybe wasn’t the best choice. What felt like hours was only 5 minutes and I washed my face and headed back to my seat.

Told myself to make the most of it and it’s going to be fine.

Fast forward to today. I’m nearing the end of my tour here and I have to say it was EXACTLY what I needed. Being alone for these weeks has giving me time to think, reflect and set new priorities I need to move into a safer, calmer phase of life. I spent time at the beach, just me and the waves. I took walks to work on strengthening my body and heart. I ate the most amazing meals and the people of Mexico I will always hold a special place in my heart.

I have learned that I tend to panic over things that have not happened yet or if they even will. I was so worried about everything that could have gone wrong. Not one thing that kept me up at night even happened. All that wasted energy could have been focused on other things.

So as a promise to myself here are a few of the things I am working on moving forward:

  1. Try not to worry too much about events that have not or could not happen. Worrying about current issues is ok but I promise not to waste time or energy on the “what if’s”
  2. Try and move my body for at least an hour every day. I noticed by doing this whatever stress that was creeping up went away once I started to move. Walking, swimming, whatever…just get out there and move.
  3. I do not need to eat when I’m bored. I had ALOT of alone time with no distractions. This is typically a trigger for me to eat. When that urge arose I went for a walk, or swim, or working on this little community we are building. Funny how when your busy, that thought of food was not even in my brain.
  4. Listen to my body. When I was tired, I slept. When I felt good I went for a walk or worked on things that I needed a bit more focus. Taking bath in the middle of the afternoon. Why the hell not!

So I know this post was more about me and what I have been going though and not much help for others but I want to update everyone on where I have been the last few weeks. Now that it is out in the universe I feel obligated to follow my own damn advice for a change. I’m so quick to help others but haven’t been taking care of myself much. That changes today! What’s that phrase..Please put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others? My ready to help myself finally so I am stronger in supporting and serving others.

Ok folks, that’s it for today. I have a few days left in paradise and I want to get out and enjoy it!

XOXO,

Amy

anxiety · Personal Stories

My Latest Panic Attack: Public Bathroom Edition

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Hey all,

So today I want to talk about panic attacks. Like out of nowhere slap you in the face, knock you on your ass panic attacks. I had a doozy a few days ago. Epic! Let me set scene..

I’m at work minding my own damn business. I start to get really hot and feel woozy. My chest is starting to tighten up and my breaths become short. My legs turn to what I like to call “jelly legs” they are someone solid, keeping me upright but feel wiggly and unstable. My “oh shit” meter is going off and I know I’m about to go to a place I don’t want to be.

This time I actually got myself into the bathroom. My work bathrooms are the best because they are full brick stalls and full heavy doors. For anyone that appreciates privacy you totally get what I mean. Not those cheap ass stalls you see with gaps. If I can see you, you can for sure see me. When your about to freak out in public..this my friends is like the Four Seasons of bathrooms.

I get inside and the tears immediately begin to flow. I go basically limp while sitting on the toilet. I would have dropped to the floor if I was at home but even though it’s super clean its STILL a public bathroom. Wave after wave to sheer terror wash over me.

If I’m being completely honest most times when I get these I don’t really know what it is that’s bothering me. Just something is not right and then I panic about it. Super frustrating which then makes it so much worse. This time it was so clear and completely random.

My main concern was that my boyfriend was going to die someday. Like it could be today or it could be 50 years from now. Who the hell knows but the only thing I’m focusing on is him dying and what the fuck am I going to do when he does. How does it happen? Will I be there when it does? What if I can’t save him or I panic and ruin any chance of survival. I’m completely irrational at this point. Crying and trying to control my breathing. Trying to control myself by thinking that it’s going to be ok any he’s fine. I’m fine, we are both effing fine and to just stop this . Again I’m completely irrational at this point so you know what I did…?

I had another fucking thought pop up in my head mid attack. So not only do I think my boyfriend is dying but why not think about someone coming to steal my dogs at the same time. WTF?!?!

I have a pretty high profile breed that people have been stealing to get a ransom from the owner or to resell. We all remember Lady Gaga’s dog walker getting shot right? Well my brain took me to a place where my babies are going to get dognapped and I will never see them again. I will get attacked and have to live with the pain and guilt for not saving my babies.

Layers after layer of panic, terror, shame, guilt wash over me. Horrible thought after horrible though keep coming. I think I threw up at one point. There was a lot going on my friends.

At some point I’m starting to realize how long I’ve been hiding in the bathroom and really need to get it together. My two totally random issues collided in a huge way and not in the nicest of ways. It was probably only 10 minutes but it felt like hours with the added stress of being at work.

I’m super hard on myself sometimes and tend to say some not so nice things about what I’m doing. “Get it together” “Just stop” ” Your being ridiculous” They are not really helpful at all. I’m a work in progress too people..I try and help others with tips and tricks to ease the pain and fear..but I still struggle right along with ya’ll. Please if you can remember to be patient with yourself. This is happening only for a little bit and you can do hard things. It will pass and you can tackle the problem when your calm. Lean into the feeling. Acknowledge it and tell yourself you will work on it.

I posted about my panic attacks before here along with my helpful tips on how I can slowly recover from them. Like I said..it does help but sometimes you just have a bad one and it all goes out the window. It’s ok.

One or all may work for you or none whatsoever. There is never a right or wrong way to handle them. It’s just a matter of finding what can get you through in the best way for you.

I always feel a little weird talking about mine because I’m writing this with a safe and calm mind at the moment. Looking back it’s still seems so irrational.

Thanks for being here as always and let’s all try to be kind to each other this week.

XOXO,

Amy

Abuse · Personal Stories

Why being alone in the car is the best thing ever!

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For me and maybe many of you there is just something so damn freeing about being in the car and driving. I feel safe and protected. Just me and the open road. No fighting, no yelling, just some quality me time and it’s fabulous. Hell, Id be happy just sitting in the driveway if it meant a little peace and quiet.

Most of you here know my past story about abuse. I was rarely allowed to do things on my own but when I got to get in the car and actually drive to do an errand or go somewhere he didn’t feel like going it was pure bliss. It was just me and my thoughts. I was in control and most of all I was free. Free of abuse, free of constant insults, and most free of whatever angry every he was putting out. No more walking on eggshells. It is just me myself and I.

Most trips I was allowed to take were small. To and from the grocery store, running to get dog food or going to the doctor after a fight and I just could stand the pain. I always wish it was longer trips or my stops were just a bit farther away. He kept me on the clock and if I was gone too long I would hear about.

There were so many times I was absolutely determined to just keep driving. To not ever get off on an exit sign. Straight road for days. No destination but getting as far away as possible. I would plan in my head how freeing it would be to have no plan but the road and how I would feel safer in my car no matter where it took me. I actually still feel this way 5 years later. Sometimes its as simple as just sitting still in the car will bring me back to dreaming of the open road.

On really cold days I would let my car warm up a bit longer just so I could stay in the car longer. On the hotter days I would jump in and let the heat wash over me like a hug and pretend I was on a tropical vacation.

I tried to run errands every chance I could just so I could get that quick little vacation fix. I craved it somedays. As excited as I was to get into the car the disappointment was just as great when he said he was coming with. I wanted to scream..”GET OUT, THIS IS MY TIME”

I’ve had some of my best thoughts in the car. Mapping out my life goals and how to get to them. Wild and outlandish business ideas were made and then I would laugh and think could I really get away with that?

My love of podcasts started in my car. I was pretty isolated from having social interactions with real humans and podcasts were a way of feeling like I had a friend there for me each day.

I will tell you my most memorable and life changing drive was when I drove from Illinois to Florida in February 2019. That was the day my life changed. I was driving away from the last 6 years of abuse. My freedom ride. I was scared but I could not stop smiling. Comparing myself to what a shelter dog must feel like breaking free from the kennel on his way to his new life. Each mile and state line I crossed I was giddy because it was one more state in between him and I. As the distance kept getting wider so did my smile.

It took me 3 days to drive. I started scared and alone, not knowing how I was going to make it with just what I had in my car. By the time I hit the half way point I had a plan on next steps once I arrived in Florida. By the 3rd and final day once I saw that Welcome to Florida sign I knew I was going to be ok. That cross country drive was just what I needed. No distractions, just me and my thoughts and nothing but time to get my life back. It was exactly what I had been dreaming of in my short car rides for 6 years. It was finally happening.

That drive will always mean so much to me. Seeing the change in myself mile after mile is something that helps me remember how strong I can be. It shows me that I CAN do it and I WILL BE OK. It may be bumpy and ugly at times but so can road contraction and regardless it will end.

Have you all taken any life changing road trips? How has it changed you? I’d love to hear about it.

XOXO,

Amy