Hi my name is Amy. Remember me? I’m that girl that writes about domestic violence and all the crazy things we have to go through in life and likes to say the F word more than she should.
Sometimes we all know life can get a little messy and we need to just sit our asses down and breathe.
That was me. It kind of still is but i’m slowly getting back to it and I missed my little community here.
Here is the excuses..I mean reasons..for my month long disappearence.
1. I had a unexpected 2 and a half week work trip to Mexico. More on that in a minute.
2. My depression and anxiety decided to show up in the worst possible way and I actually had a life changing event happen.
3. Both of these things just happened to happen at the exact same time.
You haven’t lived until you have a full blown panic attack across international waters.
So what have I been up to and why was taking a break so important?
My mental health has always had it’s ups and downs since my abusive relationship ended. One minute I am doing my thing and feeling like I am moving though life relatively legit like a normal human should. Bills are getting paid, getting the mundane tasks like laundry, doctor’s vistis for me and my fur babies scheduled and always wondering what the heck to have for dinner.
But the last month or so I seriously felt those tasks start to slip. My energy levels were way down. I would wake up exhausted, power though the day and when it came time for bed.. wide awake and then the cycle continued day after day, week after week.
I felt myself getting more and more agitated over little things. I would cry at the full spectrum of things. Sappy tv commercials (I’m looking at you Publix) or the news about something sad and unthinkable. I would start to tear up if my significant other even had a slight change of tone with me.
All the signs of my mental health slipping were there and I was slipping fast.
Work was getting a bit stressful, home life was too much to bear with us bickering back and forth and I was just over EVERY. DAMN. THING.
I managed to get myself to the doctor finally and let them know my struggles. Adjusted some meds, took a few lab tests to check a few things and realized something a bit concerning.
My doctors told me that I recently had a silent heart attack. What the entire fuck? Silent for sure because I had no clue and was completely baffled by the words they were saying to me. Immediately I was hooked up to a few more machines where they could scope out my heart further. Cardiologist’s discussed the condition of my heart and the next steps in making sure the next one was not silent!
After processing and learning more about heart health, especially in women, I am learning that the constant stress from my past relationship, the new stress of working through those emotions, and years of not being able to take the best care of myself has contributed to my heart attack.
I have to completely adjust to a new way of handling things whether I like it or not. I have no choice. It gets a bit tricky when you still have major triggers that can bring on panic attacks or your fear reflex is on high alert. Stress and panic is honestly part of my everyday. Hate to admit that but it’s so true. Now they tell me not to panic because of my heart..which totally makes me panic more to be honest.
Let’s just say it’s been an adjustment.
While I have been dealing with my medical issues I had a pretty amazing opportunity through work come up.
I work in hospitality for an amazing upscale luxury hotel brand. From time to time other hotels in the family are lacking staff or need help durning busy seasons so they ask other properties if they can send help. This time the help is me and the help needed is in beautiful Mexico. Beaches, mountains, tacos, tequila and sunny days? Sign me up.
My assignment was two and a half weeks and honestly it was the break in my everyday that I truly didn’t know I needed. Life as I described earlier was hectic. Dogs, man, messy house, and just feeling trapped inside of my own personal hell.
Accepting the position did come with its own challenges. My panic meter spiked after I said yes. Traveling alone to another country where I speak absolutely NO Spanish started to make me nervous. The resort I was going to was safe but it was in the middle of nowhere. Nearest town would be an hour away. Once you are there you are there. Do I need to pack EVERYTHING? What if I need something and I can’t get it. These were my thoughts. Then I tell myself I’m going to be living in the most luxe resort and knowing my company like I do, going without isn’t an option. If you need it they will get it.
It all happened a bit fast. From accepting the offer to flying out was a few days. I packed and took care of everything at home and hopped on that plane with a hope things will all be ok. It was until it wasn’t.
Mid flight I had a pretty bad panic attack. Like I had to get up from my window seat, bother the two others to get up and headed to the small bathroom to cry in peace. This was all too much for me I think. Having a major health issue, leaving my support system at home and being alone for a while maybe wasn’t the best choice. What felt like hours was only 5 minutes and I washed my face and headed back to my seat.
Told myself to make the most of it and it’s going to be fine.
Fast forward to today. I’m nearing the end of my tour here and I have to say it was EXACTLY what I needed. Being alone for these weeks has giving me time to think, reflect and set new priorities I need to move into a safer, calmer phase of life. I spent time at the beach, just me and the waves. I took walks to work on strengthening my body and heart. I ate the most amazing meals and the people of Mexico I will always hold a special place in my heart.
I have learned that I tend to panic over things that have not happened yet or if they even will. I was so worried about everything that could have gone wrong. Not one thing that kept me up at night even happened. All that wasted energy could have been focused on other things.
So as a promise to myself here are a few of the things I am working on moving forward:
- Try not to worry too much about events that have not or could not happen. Worrying about current issues is ok but I promise not to waste time or energy on the “what if’s”
- Try and move my body for at least an hour every day. I noticed by doing this whatever stress that was creeping up went away once I started to move. Walking, swimming, whatever…just get out there and move.
- I do not need to eat when I’m bored. I had ALOT of alone time with no distractions. This is typically a trigger for me to eat. When that urge arose I went for a walk, or swim, or working on this little community we are building. Funny how when your busy, that thought of food was not even in my brain.
- Listen to my body. When I was tired, I slept. When I felt good I went for a walk or worked on things that I needed a bit more focus. Taking bath in the middle of the afternoon. Why the hell not!
So I know this post was more about me and what I have been going though and not much help for others but I want to update everyone on where I have been the last few weeks. Now that it is out in the universe I feel obligated to follow my own damn advice for a change. I’m so quick to help others but haven’t been taking care of myself much. That changes today! What’s that phrase..Please put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others? My ready to help myself finally so I am stronger in supporting and serving others.
Ok folks, that’s it for today. I have a few days left in paradise and I want to get out and enjoy it!
XOXO,
Amy