TRIGGER WARNING…This post contains details about physical, mental and sexual abuse. I know it can be hard to read if you have lived it. If you are still struggling you can totally skip this post and I promise not to be mad at ya.
Hey all! Today I wanted to get real deep and basically rip the bandaid off and tell you about my past and how I am trying and still trying to pull myself out of the darkness that was my life for 6 freaking years. I want you to get to know the real person behind the blog. My struggles and the backstory that makes me who I am today.
This February I am 5 years free of my abuser and I will tell you not a day goes by that I do not have a flashback, or a random nightmare or even just adjusting how I do normal day to day activities because of it. I will say I am doing much better but those 6 years has shaped how I do things now. Some good and some bad.
So let’s get into it..
First to be able to get to the point where I am telling the story publicly is a HUGE win. It does get easier to talk about and also therapeutic but those first few days of being alone and having to ask for help was the hardest part. I have always been a pretty independent person. Did most things for myself and was always the one everyone else would come to for help. I never asked for anything.
So when I met Mr. Fuck Face AKA MFF (totally petty I know but for me it makes me feel a bit better) I seriously thought I met the all around perfect package. He was smart, handsome, funny, loves sports and worked in the same industry as I did. We actually met because we worked for the same large sporting company. Different departments but ours co mingled nicely. I would see him in meetings and around campus. Having to travel for work I would see him in different cities as well since we both had to go to away events. Stolen glances and cute smiles here and there. And I’m not above admitting that I found him and followed him on Twitter. One night..(with wine probably) I decided to slide into his Dm’s to say hello. It was more like…”Hey you popped up on Twitter and realized we never have actually spoken but we have been in the room like a million times so wanted to say hello”
Do you ever have a moment in your life that one decision you made changed the whole course of your life? That was mine. Sliding into the effing DM’s like a teenage girl. That was the beginning. The beginning of 6 years of feeling worthless, empty, full of pain and sadness, scared and feeling that death might have been a better choice. Yeah it was that bad where I felt that not living was better than living. Terrifying.
Once the Dm’s were flowing, the texting started and the flirting at work increased. We had our first actual date at the breakfast place before work. Scary to think after that date I had a really great feeling about this man. Still to this day it has rocked my judgment of character. By the way you will always question the what ifs. It will always drag you down. You can’t change it..just learn and heal.
Here is where it gets a bit crazy and insane. Full disclosure: I actually just went through a painful divorce a year before. (more on that later) I was JUST finally getting over that and was not looking to date but he just showed up when I wasn’t looking. In hindsight I probably wasn’t fully healed from a failed marriage but knowing now that’s what he was praying on.
See if you can spot the first red flag that I CLEARLY didn’t see. We were casually dating, having a fun time watching sports, dining out on sushi and had the best conversations. He just moved to the city where our headquarters were located and he was living out of a hotel until he found housing. 3 weeks in we were getting closer and he was over at my place and we were watching a game on tv. It was getting late but neither one of us was making a move. What a gentleman right? We could feel the tension building but again nothing happened. We said goodnight and hugged at my front door and he was off. And get this ladies..It was like a damn rom com movie. Not even 10 minutes after I watched his taillights leave my place I got a knock on the door. Open it and he comes full on and kisses me and said he could not leave without doing that. And IT WAS ON! It was fast and super romantic and I loved every second of it. He spent the night that night for the first time. But sadly it was the first night he stayed and he never left after that.
Remember when I said he was living in a hotel. Well the company I worked for was pretty cheap with its employees so it wasn’t the greatest. So at the beginning of “us” we went out almost every night after work. Happy hours and then back to my place where I felt bad he had to go back to that crappy hotel when he could just stay here with me and we could “snuggle”. A few days turned into a week and then two. He was gone for a few days because of work travel but that’s it. His things were just starting to stay at my place because it was “easier”.
3 weeks in he was fully moved into my one bedroom apartment and I didn’t even notice or care because everything was so great and we were connecting on a level that I was missing in my marriage.I was in a full fledged relationship and living together after 3 weeks of the DM slide. This red flag I think belongs to me. I still have not forgiven myself for not understanding how quick it was and just how risky and wrong that was. Oh he took full advantage but I still was the one to open the door. This is now what I have found to be called love bombing.
Things were fantastic the first 6 months. No issues. Very loving and we had a great relationship. Talked for hours and really got to know each other and even got a brand new amazing condo overlooking a river. Both on the lease and we were moving forward. Together.
Once we got into the new place things started to change. I was getting a more moodier man. More snippy comments and him being more withdrawn. I would try and talk to him about it but this is when the insults and putdowns start gradually. I was being told I’m reading into things and it’s none of my business what he was feeling. I remember feeling so rejected that the tears started flowing. He looked right at me with disgust and said..”Oh shit your going to be one of those girls that cries over everything.” That was the start of everything being my fault. I was causing the mood swings, snippy comments, put downs. Each night I went to bed wondering where was the man I had for the first 6 months. Where did he go?
Then he got fired from the company I worked for for 4 years. Instantly it was something I did. I must have done something to get him fired. I just remember how exhausted and tired I was trying to defend myself. I still to this day do not know the reason, but that was job number 1 out of many I had to weather the storm.
Two weeks later and maneuvering around a very moody man I came home from work. He had flowers and presents and a dinner reservation waiting for me. Crying he said how sorry he was the last few months and I should have never been the brunt of his anger. I was crying, he was crying and it was so tender and honest and real..or so I thought.
After dinner we get home and I run upstairs to change. I decided to be cute and was going to wear one of his comfy sweatshirts and we could snuggle up and have a great rest of the night on the couch watching our favorite shows. I walk into his closet to find it all packed up with 3 suitcases and everything gone. I went into the bathroom and all his stuff was off the counter and packed. I ran downstairs and immediately started crying and wondering what was going on. He tells me he took a job in another state 1500 miles away and he is getting on the train in an hour and I need to drop him off at the station. WHAT THE ENTIRE FUCK?
That was the beginning of me moving all over the country for this man. Job to job and state to state. Why I decided to follow was because I loved him. I thought he loved me and he kept promising the next state, the next job was going to be the one to get us to levels we never were before. He was a very successful man in his industry. He talked a great game and employers bought it..but the pattern was after 6 months it was over and we were on to the next one. We moved 8 different times to 6 different states. I have a wide variety of clipped license plates and driver’s licenses.
With each and every move it happened like the first one. I would come home and he would tell me he was moving THAT day and I would have to stay behind and pack up, tie up loose ends and then he would come back and get me to move everything to our new home or state. I had an amazing career in sports that I loved. I tried to keep up and find a job in each state but as you can imagine it was starting to get hard to explain why I bounced around so much. Before I met him I was with my company for 5 years and the job before that 7 years. Eventually I had to start my own company and make my own money so the moves would not affect my personal income. Meanwhile I would be paying for all the moves and expenses. He would always tell me his employer would cover the move and to keep the receipts but of course that never was returned.
With each and every move his attitude was getting worse. The verbal insults, gaslighting and emotional roller-coaster was getting too much to bear. I had a mental breakdown in year 3. Got on meds, therapy, the whole thing. But of course me being super embarrassed I never said why EXACTLY I was upset. I was protecting him. During that time was when he raped me for the first time.
Needless to say after being an emotional punching bag for so long I was not exactly in the mood for sexy time. I was beginning to resent him and trying to figure out a way to get out. One night I was sleeping and woke up to him holding me down and he was trying to get inside me. I was fighting and trying to get away but he was so much bigger. I remember just laying there and waiting for it to be over. This was the first of many. Each time getting more and more violent and more forceful. It was very degrading and he was physically injuring my body. I remember once I actually had a OBGYN appt two days after and I swear the Dr knew something was off because it hurt so bad while she was doing the exam. Of course I never said anything.
6 years and not one word. Not to family, friends and even doctors that clearly knew what was going on but with a straight face I told my cover story.
In the next post I will talk about how I broke free…It’s not how you would exactly think.
Til next time..
Amy
swearingtotallyhelps.com 