Tag: Self Help

anxiety · Personal Stories

Why taking a break is ok.

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Hi my name is Amy. Remember me? I’m that girl that writes about domestic violence and all the crazy things we have to go through in life and likes to say the F word more than she should.

Sometimes we all know life can get a little messy and we need to just sit our asses down and breathe.

That was me. It kind of still is but i’m slowly getting back to it and I missed my little community here. 

Here is the excuses..I mean reasons..for my month long disappearence.

1. I had a unexpected 2 and a half week work trip to Mexico. More on that in a minute.

2. My depression and anxiety decided to show up in the worst possible way and I actually had a life changing event happen.

3. Both of these things just happened to happen at the exact same time. 

You haven’t lived until you have a full blown panic attack across international waters.

So what have I been up to and why was taking a break so important?

My mental health has always had it’s ups and downs since my abusive relationship ended. One minute I am doing my thing and feeling like I am moving though life relatively legit like a normal human should. Bills are getting paid, getting the mundane tasks like laundry, doctor’s vistis for me and my fur babies scheduled and always wondering what the heck to have for dinner. 

But the last month or so I seriously felt those tasks start to slip. My energy levels were way down. I would wake up exhausted, power though the day and when it came time for bed.. wide awake and then the cycle continued day after day, week after week. 

I felt myself getting more and more agitated over little things. I would cry at the full spectrum of things. Sappy tv commercials (I’m looking at you Publix) or the news about something sad and unthinkable. I would start to tear up if my significant other even had a slight change of tone with me. 

All the signs of my mental health slipping were there and I was slipping fast.

Work was getting a bit stressful, home life was too much to bear with us bickering back and forth and I was just over EVERY. DAMN. THING.

I managed to get myself to the doctor finally and let them know my struggles. Adjusted some meds, took a few lab tests to check a few things and realized something a bit concerning.

My doctors told me that I recently had a silent heart attack. What the entire fuck? Silent for sure because I had no clue and was completely baffled by the words they were saying to me. Immediately I was hooked up to a few more machines where they could scope out my heart further. Cardiologist’s discussed the condition of my heart and the next steps in making sure the next one was not silent!

After processing and learning more about heart health, especially in women, I am learning that the constant stress from my past relationship, the new stress of working through those emotions, and years of not being able to take the best care of myself has contributed to my heart attack.

I have to completely adjust to a new way of handling things whether I like it or not. I have no choice. It gets a bit tricky when you still have major triggers that can bring on panic attacks or your fear reflex is on high alert. Stress and panic is honestly part of my everyday. Hate to admit that but it’s so true. Now they tell me not to panic because of my heart..which totally makes me panic more to be honest.

Let’s just say it’s been an adjustment.

While I have been dealing with my medical issues I had a pretty amazing opportunity through work come up.

I work in hospitality for an amazing upscale luxury hotel brand. From time to time other hotels in the family are lacking staff or need help durning busy seasons so they ask other properties if they can send help. This time the help is me and the help needed is in beautiful Mexico. Beaches, mountains, tacos, tequila and sunny days? Sign me up.

My assignment was two and a half weeks and honestly it was the break in my everyday that I truly didn’t know I needed. Life as I described earlier was hectic. Dogs, man, messy house, and just feeling trapped inside of my own personal hell.

Accepting the position did come with its own challenges. My panic meter spiked after I said yes. Traveling alone to another country where I speak absolutely NO Spanish started to make me nervous. The resort I was going to was safe but it was in the middle of nowhere. Nearest town would be an hour away. Once you are there you are there. Do I need to pack EVERYTHING? What if I need something and I can’t get it. These were my thoughts. Then I tell myself I’m going to be living in the most luxe resort and knowing my company like I do, going without isn’t an option. If you need it they will get it.

It all happened a bit fast. From accepting the offer to flying out was a few days. I packed and took care of everything at home and hopped on that plane with a hope things will all be ok. It was until it wasn’t.

Mid flight I had a pretty bad panic attack. Like I had to get up from my window seat, bother the two others to get up and headed to the small bathroom to cry in peace. This was all too much for me I think. Having a major health issue, leaving my support system at home and being alone for a while maybe wasn’t the best choice. What felt like hours was only 5 minutes and I washed my face and headed back to my seat.

Told myself to make the most of it and it’s going to be fine.

Fast forward to today. I’m nearing the end of my tour here and I have to say it was EXACTLY what I needed. Being alone for these weeks has giving me time to think, reflect and set new priorities I need to move into a safer, calmer phase of life. I spent time at the beach, just me and the waves. I took walks to work on strengthening my body and heart. I ate the most amazing meals and the people of Mexico I will always hold a special place in my heart.

I have learned that I tend to panic over things that have not happened yet or if they even will. I was so worried about everything that could have gone wrong. Not one thing that kept me up at night even happened. All that wasted energy could have been focused on other things.

So as a promise to myself here are a few of the things I am working on moving forward:

  1. Try not to worry too much about events that have not or could not happen. Worrying about current issues is ok but I promise not to waste time or energy on the “what if’s”
  2. Try and move my body for at least an hour every day. I noticed by doing this whatever stress that was creeping up went away once I started to move. Walking, swimming, whatever…just get out there and move.
  3. I do not need to eat when I’m bored. I had ALOT of alone time with no distractions. This is typically a trigger for me to eat. When that urge arose I went for a walk, or swim, or working on this little community we are building. Funny how when your busy, that thought of food was not even in my brain.
  4. Listen to my body. When I was tired, I slept. When I felt good I went for a walk or worked on things that I needed a bit more focus. Taking bath in the middle of the afternoon. Why the hell not!

So I know this post was more about me and what I have been going though and not much help for others but I want to update everyone on where I have been the last few weeks. Now that it is out in the universe I feel obligated to follow my own damn advice for a change. I’m so quick to help others but haven’t been taking care of myself much. That changes today! What’s that phrase..Please put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others? My ready to help myself finally so I am stronger in supporting and serving others.

Ok folks, that’s it for today. I have a few days left in paradise and I want to get out and enjoy it!

XOXO,

Amy

anxiety · Personal Stories

My Latest Panic Attack: Public Bathroom Edition

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

Hey all,

So today I want to talk about panic attacks. Like out of nowhere slap you in the face, knock you on your ass panic attacks. I had a doozy a few days ago. Epic! Let me set scene..

I’m at work minding my own damn business. I start to get really hot and feel woozy. My chest is starting to tighten up and my breaths become short. My legs turn to what I like to call “jelly legs” they are someone solid, keeping me upright but feel wiggly and unstable. My “oh shit” meter is going off and I know I’m about to go to a place I don’t want to be.

This time I actually got myself into the bathroom. My work bathrooms are the best because they are full brick stalls and full heavy doors. For anyone that appreciates privacy you totally get what I mean. Not those cheap ass stalls you see with gaps. If I can see you, you can for sure see me. When your about to freak out in public..this my friends is like the Four Seasons of bathrooms.

I get inside and the tears immediately begin to flow. I go basically limp while sitting on the toilet. I would have dropped to the floor if I was at home but even though it’s super clean its STILL a public bathroom. Wave after wave to sheer terror wash over me.

If I’m being completely honest most times when I get these I don’t really know what it is that’s bothering me. Just something is not right and then I panic about it. Super frustrating which then makes it so much worse. This time it was so clear and completely random.

My main concern was that my boyfriend was going to die someday. Like it could be today or it could be 50 years from now. Who the hell knows but the only thing I’m focusing on is him dying and what the fuck am I going to do when he does. How does it happen? Will I be there when it does? What if I can’t save him or I panic and ruin any chance of survival. I’m completely irrational at this point. Crying and trying to control my breathing. Trying to control myself by thinking that it’s going to be ok any he’s fine. I’m fine, we are both effing fine and to just stop this . Again I’m completely irrational at this point so you know what I did…?

I had another fucking thought pop up in my head mid attack. So not only do I think my boyfriend is dying but why not think about someone coming to steal my dogs at the same time. WTF?!?!

I have a pretty high profile breed that people have been stealing to get a ransom from the owner or to resell. We all remember Lady Gaga’s dog walker getting shot right? Well my brain took me to a place where my babies are going to get dognapped and I will never see them again. I will get attacked and have to live with the pain and guilt for not saving my babies.

Layers after layer of panic, terror, shame, guilt wash over me. Horrible thought after horrible though keep coming. I think I threw up at one point. There was a lot going on my friends.

At some point I’m starting to realize how long I’ve been hiding in the bathroom and really need to get it together. My two totally random issues collided in a huge way and not in the nicest of ways. It was probably only 10 minutes but it felt like hours with the added stress of being at work.

I’m super hard on myself sometimes and tend to say some not so nice things about what I’m doing. “Get it together” “Just stop” ” Your being ridiculous” They are not really helpful at all. I’m a work in progress too people..I try and help others with tips and tricks to ease the pain and fear..but I still struggle right along with ya’ll. Please if you can remember to be patient with yourself. This is happening only for a little bit and you can do hard things. It will pass and you can tackle the problem when your calm. Lean into the feeling. Acknowledge it and tell yourself you will work on it.

I posted about my panic attacks before here along with my helpful tips on how I can slowly recover from them. Like I said..it does help but sometimes you just have a bad one and it all goes out the window. It’s ok.

One or all may work for you or none whatsoever. There is never a right or wrong way to handle them. It’s just a matter of finding what can get you through in the best way for you.

I always feel a little weird talking about mine because I’m writing this with a safe and calm mind at the moment. Looking back it’s still seems so irrational.

Thanks for being here as always and let’s all try to be kind to each other this week.

XOXO,

Amy

Abuse · Personal Stories

Why being alone in the car is the best thing ever!

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

For me and maybe many of you there is just something so damn freeing about being in the car and driving. I feel safe and protected. Just me and the open road. No fighting, no yelling, just some quality me time and it’s fabulous. Hell, Id be happy just sitting in the driveway if it meant a little peace and quiet.

Most of you here know my past story about abuse. I was rarely allowed to do things on my own but when I got to get in the car and actually drive to do an errand or go somewhere he didn’t feel like going it was pure bliss. It was just me and my thoughts. I was in control and most of all I was free. Free of abuse, free of constant insults, and most free of whatever angry every he was putting out. No more walking on eggshells. It is just me myself and I.

Most trips I was allowed to take were small. To and from the grocery store, running to get dog food or going to the doctor after a fight and I just could stand the pain. I always wish it was longer trips or my stops were just a bit farther away. He kept me on the clock and if I was gone too long I would hear about.

There were so many times I was absolutely determined to just keep driving. To not ever get off on an exit sign. Straight road for days. No destination but getting as far away as possible. I would plan in my head how freeing it would be to have no plan but the road and how I would feel safer in my car no matter where it took me. I actually still feel this way 5 years later. Sometimes its as simple as just sitting still in the car will bring me back to dreaming of the open road.

On really cold days I would let my car warm up a bit longer just so I could stay in the car longer. On the hotter days I would jump in and let the heat wash over me like a hug and pretend I was on a tropical vacation.

I tried to run errands every chance I could just so I could get that quick little vacation fix. I craved it somedays. As excited as I was to get into the car the disappointment was just as great when he said he was coming with. I wanted to scream..”GET OUT, THIS IS MY TIME”

I’ve had some of my best thoughts in the car. Mapping out my life goals and how to get to them. Wild and outlandish business ideas were made and then I would laugh and think could I really get away with that?

My love of podcasts started in my car. I was pretty isolated from having social interactions with real humans and podcasts were a way of feeling like I had a friend there for me each day.

I will tell you my most memorable and life changing drive was when I drove from Illinois to Florida in February 2019. That was the day my life changed. I was driving away from the last 6 years of abuse. My freedom ride. I was scared but I could not stop smiling. Comparing myself to what a shelter dog must feel like breaking free from the kennel on his way to his new life. Each mile and state line I crossed I was giddy because it was one more state in between him and I. As the distance kept getting wider so did my smile.

It took me 3 days to drive. I started scared and alone, not knowing how I was going to make it with just what I had in my car. By the time I hit the half way point I had a plan on next steps once I arrived in Florida. By the 3rd and final day once I saw that Welcome to Florida sign I knew I was going to be ok. That cross country drive was just what I needed. No distractions, just me and my thoughts and nothing but time to get my life back. It was exactly what I had been dreaming of in my short car rides for 6 years. It was finally happening.

That drive will always mean so much to me. Seeing the change in myself mile after mile is something that helps me remember how strong I can be. It shows me that I CAN do it and I WILL BE OK. It may be bumpy and ugly at times but so can road contraction and regardless it will end.

Have you all taken any life changing road trips? How has it changed you? I’d love to hear about it.

XOXO,

Amy

WTF

Daylights Savings Time: How to survive it

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

Hey all,

Can we chat about the crazy thing that happens twice a year that makes us cranky, moody and tired?

The time when EVERYONE gets to know how it feels to be US on a daily basis. Daylights Savings Time is not ever a surprise and we know it’s coming but damn if it doesn’t creep up and bite you in the ass at 4pm when all you want to do is go to sleep.

My thing is why does it actually make you so tired losing an hour when we all have had way less nights of sleep? This just seems worse and hard to adjust too right?

Right now I work in hospitality. In one week I could work every damn shift they offer so my sleep rhythms are already messed up. Not sure it that’s an advantage to brag about but I guess I’ll take every bit of help.

I know that losing/gaining an hour and having sunsets and sunrises mess with sleep schedules and they are the least of our world problems but studies have shown it does take a toll on the body. It science people!

Here are a few things I found about the effects it can take on this thing called Google:

  1. With Daylight Savings Time, between March and November, your body is exposed to less morning light and more evening light, which can throw off your circadian rhythm. When your internal clock is out of sync with the sun’s clock, you can feel tired in the morning and awake in the evening.

2. According to the American Heart Association, in addition to the fatigue, the transition can also affect your heart and brain. Hospital admissions for an irregular heartbeat pattern known as atrial fibrillation, as well as heart attacks and strokes, increase in the first few days of daylight saving time.

3. Losing an hour of afternoon daylight after setting the clocks back to standard time can trigger mental illness, including bipolar disorder, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression. A Danish study found an 11% increase in depression cases after the time change.

4. A 2020 study found fatal traffic accidents increased by 6% in the United States during daylight saving time.

Then I found this gem…

Strange as it may seem, Daylight Saving Time might mean you find yourself in more serious legal trouble. According to a 2016 study from the Association for Psychological Science, judges hand out harsher sentences the day after the DST switch.

So basically if you get arrested the judge is going to be cranky like the rest of us so your fate is in the hands of a sleep deprived, moody judge. Good luck folks:) It’s going to get crazy out there.

So what can we do to stay safe and avoid the next plot for a disaster movie? Here are a few that I do:

  1. Try and still get the same amount of sleep each and every night. I try and forget about what the clock says.I just need to know my body needs 6-7 hours of restful sleep. Try and get that the best you can. If you need to cancel plans just chill on the couch and go to bed accordingly.

2. Let the sunshine in and embrace it. If you have the Sunday off..get outside. Take a walk, be active, let that hot ball of fire get on your skin (with sunscreen of course) and know that the earth voodoo is helping sync your body into the new schedule.

3. If you do have to work the day after the change try and make it as light as you can. Some can, some can’t but either way be kind to your self. Drink water, have a zen moment in the bathroom if you need it. Today is not the day to tackle the worlds problems.

4. Take a nap. If you are truly going through it, it’s ok to take a short nap. Rest your eyes even. If you can just take 30 minutes to rest that short timeframe can boost you to get through the rest of the day. Anything longer may make you feel groggy.

Most people say it takes anywhere from 5-7 days to fully get into the new time change. So buckle up buttercup..we all know how to handle it but the rest of the “strong ones” it’s going to be a rough go for them.

So what do you think? Are you a fan or hate it or indifferent? I think it’s just the norm now and we all power though but do you think it’s a good idea to do away with it completely?

The big change happens Sunday March 10th at 2am. Make sure to set the clocks before bed and we will see on the flip side!

XOXO

Amy

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Personal Stories · Relationships

Jumping to Conclusions and Thinking the Worst

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

If thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions were an Olympic sport I WOULD DOMINATE on a global scale. It’s my go too, my wheelhouse, my comfort zone. Is it wrong? Hell yes it’s wrong..but can I stop? No way.

I always joke that I can go from sniffles to death on a simple google search. I can take a minor thing like not texting back right away to them being mad and hating me. If my boss asks to chat with me quick I automatically think I’m getting fired.

Just yesterday I picked up my guy at the airport. I typically get out of the drivers side to go to the passenger side so he can drive. After I pop the truck and get out so he can put his bags in the back we typically meet in the middle somewhere while I am going around and hug and kiss as a welcome home I love and miss you gesture. This time he walked right into the car and buckled up. No kiss, no hug NOTHING. I of course think the worst. OMG he is mad, he hates me, he’s going to break up with me in the car, He’s got bad news…blah blah blah.

I run through EVERYTHING before I even get in the passengers seat. He then has the nerve to ask ME what’s wrong? HAHAHAHA! I confessed I was panicing and he admits he was just focused to get in the car since we were blocking lane. Nothing more. He immediately calms my fears and we go about our day like nothing ever happened.

I’m highly aware how exhausting I must be, always having to reassure me the sky is not falling. I really do try and let things play out without a freak-out but if my anxiety is already at a high level there is no stopping the panic. It’s game on!

But why do I do this? Therapists have said it’s because I have had a lot of loss and trauma in my life. I guess I need to make sure nothing else happens. Also because of my past abuse I always think I’m in trouble or in the wrong so I need to hurry up and figure out what’s happening so I can brace for impact of bad things. I try and fix it right away. It’s all I can focus on. Meanwhile the other person simply forgot to text back. It probably is just a small cold and not a life treating injury or in my guys case just wanted to get in the car.

So what can we do to try and stop the spiral? Here are the things that I do. It’s still a work in progress obviously but I do try and practice these steps.

  1. Stop Time Traveling– Most of the thoughts I have would be happening in the future. The what if’s. What if I fail? What if he’s going to be mad? What if I see a pretty cloud and am looking up and then get hit by a huge bus and DIE? If we take a minute to think in the present. We can maybe slow our roll. Maybe look at the clouds AND check traffic. Maybe wait and see if he or she is actually mad before you keep pestering them by asking IF they are mad. Fun Fact: It will probably make them mad if you keep asking.

2. Play out the worst case- So if you must go down the dark path of what if’s.. Then let’s go there. What if you fail? Ok we fail. Do we try again, move on or work harder and figure out what went wrong.

What if he’s mad? Ok he’s PISSED. What can we do to make it better? Let’s apologize and figure out where we went wrong so it’s not an issue moving forward.

If we are looking at clouds and get hit by a bus. Maybe we get everything in a secure place for our loved ones. Let’s not take the day for granted. Let’s always put our best foot forward and live for the moment. Unless that one foot is the foot that get’s you hit by a bus:)

By playing it out you take back a little control and will know exactly what to do if the worst does come. You can totally let out a I TOLD YOU SO as well if it makes you happy.

3. Play out the best case- It’s the same game as above but with the better outcome. Again either way you are going to be in control with whatever way it pans out. If we fail what can I do better next time? If he’s mad, it’s good that the can communicate that to you. Talk about it calmly and thank them for being honest. Hit by a bus? Well that outcome is pretty dark no matter what..but you COULD totally survive the bus attack and then advocate for better crosswalks and pedestrian safety.

4. Would you say this out loud? The example with the sniffles turning into a rare illness that will kill you in 6 months. Would you actually tell someone that? Out loud?

With things that can be a little out there I always ask myself that question to see if I’m willing to share my paranoia with others. If it’s my guy I’m more prone to blurt it out since he knows how my head works. If it’s a co worker and telling them my sniffles is going to kill me in 6 months so I’m gifting you my stapler is a bit harder. If it’s hard to say to other people, maybe take a step back and think to yourself, am I making this a HUGE deal when it’s in the nothing stage yet?

5. Journal- Sometimes all the steps above are no match for anxiety. I have found that journaling or writing down the fears can have a positive impact. I play the best/worst case on paper so I can see just how outrageous it can be when I read it back. This blog is a bit of a helpful tool for me as well. I know if I write it down others can read. It’s a gut check sometimes.

Everyone is different on how they handle things. Some people are full on jumpers like me and others it’s just a quick thought and then they move on. Wherever you land on the scale just know that we all have moments like this. It’s just how you handle them that makes a difference.

The one thing I found that can help is once I play out the worst case, I can typically laugh at it. It’s a funny now and not at the time type of thing.

I thought we could all share (if you’re comfortable) our funniest worst case/ jumping to conclusions moments.

Here’s mine:

I dated a man that lived out of town and when he would come stay with me he always brought a little duffle bag with him for the weekend. One weekend he came and he had a lock on the bag. I’m not one to really go through peoples stuff but I was so worried why all of a sudden he had a lock on the bag.

Why? What the eff was in there? Why now? Why can’t you be open and honest with me? Are there murder supplies like a knife and a tarp to hide my body? My thoughts got to the point where I finally had to confront my future murderer.

He then opened the lock to the bag and pulled out a fancy little box and presented me with my DAMN BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Yes folks, I confronted him on my birthday. He put the lock on it because he wanted the gift to be secure while he was traveling. UGH. I’m an idiot.

Ok your next. What have you done when you should of just slowed down and walked through everything?

XOXO

Amy