writing

If thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions were an Olympic sport I WOULD DOMINATE on a global scale. It’s my go too, my wheelhouse, my comfort zone. Is it wrong? Hell yes it’s wrong..but can I stop? No way.

I always joke that I can go from sniffles to death on a simple google search. I can take a minor thing like not texting back right away to them being mad and hating me. If my boss asks to chat with me quick I automatically think I’m getting fired.

Just yesterday I picked up my guy at the airport. I typically get out of the drivers side to go to the passenger side so he can drive. After I pop the truck and get out so he can put his bags in the back we typically meet in the middle somewhere while I am going around and hug and kiss as a welcome home I love and miss you gesture. This time he walked right into the car and buckled up. No kiss, no hug NOTHING. I of course think the worst. OMG he is mad, he hates me, he’s going to break up with me in the car, He’s got bad news…blah blah blah.

I run through EVERYTHING before I even get in the passengers seat. He then has the nerve to ask ME what’s wrong? HAHAHAHA! I confessed I was panicing and he admits he was just focused to get in the car since we were blocking lane. Nothing more. He immediately calms my fears and we go about our day like nothing ever happened.

I’m highly aware how exhausting I must be, always having to reassure me the sky is not falling. I really do try and let things play out without a freak-out but if my anxiety is already at a high level there is no stopping the panic. It’s game on!

But why do I do this? Therapists have said it’s because I have had a lot of loss and trauma in my life. I guess I need to make sure nothing else happens. Also because of my past abuse I always think I’m in trouble or in the wrong so I need to hurry up and figure out what’s happening so I can brace for impact of bad things. I try and fix it right away. It’s all I can focus on. Meanwhile the other person simply forgot to text back. It probably is just a small cold and not a life treating injury or in my guys case just wanted to get in the car.

So what can we do to try and stop the spiral? Here are the things that I do. It’s still a work in progress obviously but I do try and practice these steps.

Stop Time Traveling– Most of the thoughts I have would be happening in the future. The what if’s. What if I fail? What if he’s going to be mad? What if I see a pretty cloud and am looking up and then get hit by a huge bus and DIE? If we take a minute to think in the present. We can maybe slow our roll. Maybe look at the clouds AND check traffic. Maybe wait and see if he or she is actually mad before you keep pestering them by asking IF they are mad. Fun Fact: It will probably make them mad if you keep asking.

2. Play out the worst case- So if you must go down the dark path of what if’s.. Then let’s go there. What if you fail? Ok we fail. Do we try again, move on or work harder and figure out what went wrong.

What if he’s mad? Ok he’s PISSED. What can we do to make it better? Let’s apologize and figure out where we went wrong so it’s not an issue moving forward.

If we are looking at clouds and get hit by a bus. Maybe we get everything in a secure place for our loved ones. Let’s not take the day for granted. Let’s always put our best foot forward and live for the moment. Unless that one foot is the foot that get’s you hit by a bus:)

By playing it out you take back a little control and will know exactly what to do if the worst does come. You can totally let out a I TOLD YOU SO as well if it makes you happy.

3. Play out the best case- It’s the same game as above but with the better outcome. Again either way you are going to be in control with whatever way it pans out. If we fail what can I do better next time? If he’s mad, it’s good that the can communicate that to you. Talk about it calmly and thank them for being honest. Hit by a bus? Well that outcome is pretty dark no matter what..but you COULD totally survive the bus attack and then advocate for better crosswalks and pedestrian safety.

4. Would you say this out loud? The example with the sniffles turning into a rare illness that will kill you in 6 months. Would you actually tell someone that? Out loud?

With things that can be a little out there I always ask myself that question to see if I’m willing to share my paranoia with others. If it’s my guy I’m more prone to blurt it out since he knows how my head works. If it’s a co worker and telling them my sniffles is going to kill me in 6 months so I’m gifting you my stapler is a bit harder. If it’s hard to say to other people, maybe take a step back and think to yourself, am I making this a HUGE deal when it’s in the nothing stage yet?

5. Journal- Sometimes all the steps above are no match for anxiety. I have found that journaling or writing down the fears can have a positive impact. I play the best/worst case on paper so I can see just how outrageous it can be when I read it back. This blog is a bit of a helpful tool for me as well. I know if I write it down others can read. It’s a gut check sometimes.

Everyone is different on how they handle things. Some people are full on jumpers like me and others it’s just a quick thought and then they move on. Wherever you land on the scale just know that we all have moments like this. It’s just how you handle them that makes a difference.

The one thing I found that can help is once I play out the worst case, I can typically laugh at it. It’s a funny now and not at the time type of thing.

I thought we could all share (if you’re comfortable) our funniest worst case/ jumping to conclusions moments.

Here’s mine:

I dated a man that lived out of town and when he would come stay with me he always brought a little duffle bag with him for the weekend. One weekend he came and he had a lock on the bag. I’m not one to really go through peoples stuff but I was so worried why all of a sudden he had a lock on the bag.

Why? What the eff was in there? Why now? Why can’t you be open and honest with me? Are there murder supplies like a knife and a tarp to hide my body? My thoughts got to the point where I finally had to confront my future murderer.

He then opened the lock to the bag and pulled out a fancy little box and presented me with my DAMN BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Yes folks, I confronted him on my birthday. He put the lock on it because he wanted the gift to be secure while he was traveling. UGH. I’m an idiot.

Ok your next. What have you done when you should of just slowed down and walked through everything?

XOXO

Amy

So I’ve posted some extremely personal stories in the past. Some so raw I needed a minute after I hit that publish button. This one is still personal but I’m going to put my weirdness on blast and I guess that’s just as scary since I’ve never really talked about my quirks post Domestic Violence.

A lot of my weirdness has come out of survival. Some I developed after the abuse, but all of these are for sure newish. A lot of them I think are based on control.

If you have been reading my story, I was controlled in every aspect of my life. The things I developed were my way of controlling just little things and it got me through. It was like taking the little things back.

But why do I still do it? I think it’s that phrase: if you do something repetitive for a while it just becomes second nature. I don’t have to do these things anymore but it’s just almost a comfort thing I guess.

My top 5 things I do that’s weird but comforting:)

My daily bathroom routine.

Each and everyday when I get ready I take EVERYTHING out I will use and line it up on the counter. Every face product, hair product, make up, brushes, oral care, lotions, EVERYTHING!!! The counter looks like I’m a hoarder and it’s covered with no space. It’s really ridiculous. Not to mention I bring all my underwear things, clothes, accessories and shoes in with me as well. I’m walking out of this bathroom 100% ready.

Getting fully ready meant I was alone longer in the bathroom. Alone time was my only time that I could breathe so more time was super important to me.

Also I felt safer being naked and getting dressed behind a door. Wasn’t allowed to lock it but hearing the click of the door close completely was a huge sigh of relief.

With all the products out on the counter I could visually see what I had to do still. On days when I was in such bad shape every task felt like a mountain to climb. But if I put lotion on I put the bottle away. Brushed my teeth.. I put away the toothpaste, mouthwash and brush. After each task the counter got less cluttered and what I had left to do seemed less and less. It kept me going and taking one thing at a time. I was in control and I was getting shit done:)

I STILL do this today. It’s such a part of my daily routine that it would probably throw me off if I did it differently. I will always check bathroom counters for space potential in any new place I live:)

The Alphabet game

I have a weird habit of “finding” the alphabet when I get nervous or feel a panic attack coming on. It started when I was alone in a Dr office after being injured where I needed medical attention. I knew I was going to have to lie about what happened, but was so uncomfortable being there.

I started looking around the room and found a letter A on the wall. Then B then C. I just kept going to take my mind off everything. (J’s are always the hardest!!!) But I still do this everytime I’m in a room at the Dr. waiting.

I’ve also done it in while being in the bathroom when I’ve been so defeated and need an escape. The bathroom was always my place of safety so I did it to calm down. Finding the letters on shampoo bottles or body washes and face creams were easy.

3. Counting semi trucks

When I’m driving long distances I set a goal of how many Semi trucks I can find. Back in my relationship we would always travel long distances when we moved so often and I wasn’t allowed to talk in the car. To keep my mind from going crazy and keep me present I would count the semi’s.

I’d see when the next big city would be on the interstate and make a goal to see how many I could see before we get there. I don’t do this as often anymore but I still notice them all while driving. I just don’t keep track.

4. Worst case game

We may all have done this to some degree but I tend to do this a bit too much. Something will pop up that worries me and I will start thinking of all the possibilities of what could go wrong.

Something so simple as I have a headache will for sure lead to death in my mind. A check engine light will automatically leave me stranded on the road at night and I’ll get murdered by a random passerby. If I’m worried about a bill, I will become homeless living in my car. That’s if they don’t repo it. Then I’ll be living in a tent until someone steals that and then I’ll be out in the rain.

See what I mean? I can go on and on with so many levels. These days it’s more comedy relief but I still do it. Back in the day I would think worst case and try to make a plan for whatever could happen. It just gave me a little bit more of control.

5. On time like by an hour

This one is probably my most annoying one for the others in my life. I get huge anxiety about being late for anything. So much so I’ll leave almost 2 hours early just to be there an hour early to sit in the car.

If I’m alone it’s no big deal but if you can imagine how it goes with my current boyfriend you are probably just as annoyed as he gets. I’m always rushing and moving him along and then he gives me the look like “ITS 2 HOURS EARLY”.

Then we laugh and laugh. Just kidding. I’ll back off and slunk to the chair to wait, but internally I’m stressing we are going to be late.

The one time we cut it close because of traffic or who know what I’m extra validated in why we need to leave early. But that only happens like once out of hardly ever, but damn it if I don’t use it often. “Hey remember that time when…”

Well there I spilled all my dirty little quirks for the Internet to see.

We all have our things. If our things bring us comfort and not annoying anyone too bad get doing you boo boo!

I know I’m not alone in the weird category so if you dare share!!! I’d love to hear yours!

Xoxo

Tag: writing

Jumping to Conclusions and Thinking the Worst

5 things I do that is weird.

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