Category: anxiety

Hello 2025.. Please don’t suck!
anxiety · Depression · Personal Stories

Hello 2025.. Please don’t suck!

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

Happy New Year everyone!

Or if your not into the big grand celebrations..Happy I hope you deal with less crap than 2024 dished out.

It’s been far to long and I can explain..I really can!

So what had happened was..

Depression, anxiety, weight gain, health issues, losing a pet, not having a permanent place to live. If all these sound like excuses well I could only wish. If you have been following my story you have seen all these things go up and down like a damn roller coaster at Universal Studios. I have good and bad days but damn if 2024 didn’t thoroughly kick my expanded overweight booty.

No excuses.. just raw emotions here. I dropped the ball on so many things. I threw my hands up and said eff it. I hid in my bed, I refused to go anywhere because it just seemed like too much work and I pretty much gave up on everything. My work, relationship, friendships and everything I relied on suffered. It hasn’t been pretty my friends.

It’s always hard to accept when things are not good. It’s even harder to ask for help. Even worse to put it out there for the internet to see. From the beginning of this blog I always said I wasn’t going to sugar coat things. To be real and raw. To talk about things from my past and to help others if I can.

But how can I help others if I am a hot mess myself? Honestly I don’t know. All I can say is that it is too damn scary to do it alone. If you’re alone too just know there are a lot of us out here silently struggling and if I can just be there though the screen or in emails or on social media, I will be. You are not alone. I am not alone. We got this!

So what the heck has been going on? Why have I disappeared?

My depression and anxiety has been completely out of control. I am currently on meds but honestly I may need to have them adjusted. I take them regularly each morning but I still have an overly sense of dread most days. My self esteem has been so low that it’s actually painful thinking of having to get up and put on a brave face. I fake it the best I can but I just know I’m doing a poor job at it.

Nothing seems right. Nothing sparks joy or things I’ve loved now seem like a pain. The amount of anxiety I have over just doing basic things is unbearable. Having to get dressed, trying to look presentable, making sure my eyes are not as puffy from a night of crying. I have completely given up on my appearance, I am 199.98 pound. My 5’3 frame is screaming from the pain of the weight.

I always hear my abuser’s voice in my head during these times. After almost 6 years free..his words haunt me. You will never amount to anything. I wish you were dead, I hate you, your ugly, your worthless. In my darkest moments I believe him.

But then on my good days I see light. I see that I am away from being beaten, I have a job that pays well, I’m slowing digging my way out of all the debt I let myself slide into, and I am way better off than I was before. I have drive, I have ambition, I tell myself I can live the life I deserve. I’m worth it.

Until I’m not…

Until I make a mistake, until I can’t fit in my outfits, until I miss a goal I had for the day. I fall right back in line of hating myself again.

After a while the bad days were taking over the good days and I was less and less productive. If you have been following me you can absolutely see the drop off in posts. I completely gave up.

So here I am putting all my baggage out into the world again. Hoping by being out there and honest I can get that spark again. To see others like myself and know that I’m not perfect but a work in process. I have hope that with patience and hard work the negative will get the hell out of here and the girl I used to be before the trauma will come back. She was pretty cool!

So here’s to 2025! I am begging you to please be kind, to not suck, and to heal myself and others like me. Oh and if you are feeling generous you can throw some extra cash my way too. I’m not to the point of having to do a Squid games situation yet but I feel like I would be a prime candidate that the recruiter would go for!

How was 2024 for you all? Better or worse than the year before. Are you looking forward to anything in 2025?

Just know I’m back and here to talk it out as always,

Xoxo,

Amy

anxiety · Personal Stories

Why taking a break is ok.

swearingtotallyhelps1 Comment

Hi my name is Amy. Remember me? I’m that girl that writes about domestic violence and all the crazy things we have to go through in life and likes to say the F word more than she should.

Sometimes we all know life can get a little messy and we need to just sit our asses down and breathe.

That was me. It kind of still is but i’m slowly getting back to it and I missed my little community here. 

Here is the excuses..I mean reasons..for my month long disappearence.

1. I had a unexpected 2 and a half week work trip to Mexico. More on that in a minute.

2. My depression and anxiety decided to show up in the worst possible way and I actually had a life changing event happen.

3. Both of these things just happened to happen at the exact same time. 

You haven’t lived until you have a full blown panic attack across international waters.

So what have I been up to and why was taking a break so important?

My mental health has always had it’s ups and downs since my abusive relationship ended. One minute I am doing my thing and feeling like I am moving though life relatively legit like a normal human should. Bills are getting paid, getting the mundane tasks like laundry, doctor’s vistis for me and my fur babies scheduled and always wondering what the heck to have for dinner. 

But the last month or so I seriously felt those tasks start to slip. My energy levels were way down. I would wake up exhausted, power though the day and when it came time for bed.. wide awake and then the cycle continued day after day, week after week. 

I felt myself getting more and more agitated over little things. I would cry at the full spectrum of things. Sappy tv commercials (I’m looking at you Publix) or the news about something sad and unthinkable. I would start to tear up if my significant other even had a slight change of tone with me. 

All the signs of my mental health slipping were there and I was slipping fast.

Work was getting a bit stressful, home life was too much to bear with us bickering back and forth and I was just over EVERY. DAMN. THING.

I managed to get myself to the doctor finally and let them know my struggles. Adjusted some meds, took a few lab tests to check a few things and realized something a bit concerning.

My doctors told me that I recently had a silent heart attack. What the entire fuck? Silent for sure because I had no clue and was completely baffled by the words they were saying to me. Immediately I was hooked up to a few more machines where they could scope out my heart further. Cardiologist’s discussed the condition of my heart and the next steps in making sure the next one was not silent!

After processing and learning more about heart health, especially in women, I am learning that the constant stress from my past relationship, the new stress of working through those emotions, and years of not being able to take the best care of myself has contributed to my heart attack.

I have to completely adjust to a new way of handling things whether I like it or not. I have no choice. It gets a bit tricky when you still have major triggers that can bring on panic attacks or your fear reflex is on high alert. Stress and panic is honestly part of my everyday. Hate to admit that but it’s so true. Now they tell me not to panic because of my heart..which totally makes me panic more to be honest.

Let’s just say it’s been an adjustment.

While I have been dealing with my medical issues I had a pretty amazing opportunity through work come up.

I work in hospitality for an amazing upscale luxury hotel brand. From time to time other hotels in the family are lacking staff or need help durning busy seasons so they ask other properties if they can send help. This time the help is me and the help needed is in beautiful Mexico. Beaches, mountains, tacos, tequila and sunny days? Sign me up.

My assignment was two and a half weeks and honestly it was the break in my everyday that I truly didn’t know I needed. Life as I described earlier was hectic. Dogs, man, messy house, and just feeling trapped inside of my own personal hell.

Accepting the position did come with its own challenges. My panic meter spiked after I said yes. Traveling alone to another country where I speak absolutely NO Spanish started to make me nervous. The resort I was going to was safe but it was in the middle of nowhere. Nearest town would be an hour away. Once you are there you are there. Do I need to pack EVERYTHING? What if I need something and I can’t get it. These were my thoughts. Then I tell myself I’m going to be living in the most luxe resort and knowing my company like I do, going without isn’t an option. If you need it they will get it.

It all happened a bit fast. From accepting the offer to flying out was a few days. I packed and took care of everything at home and hopped on that plane with a hope things will all be ok. It was until it wasn’t.

Mid flight I had a pretty bad panic attack. Like I had to get up from my window seat, bother the two others to get up and headed to the small bathroom to cry in peace. This was all too much for me I think. Having a major health issue, leaving my support system at home and being alone for a while maybe wasn’t the best choice. What felt like hours was only 5 minutes and I washed my face and headed back to my seat.

Told myself to make the most of it and it’s going to be fine.

Fast forward to today. I’m nearing the end of my tour here and I have to say it was EXACTLY what I needed. Being alone for these weeks has giving me time to think, reflect and set new priorities I need to move into a safer, calmer phase of life. I spent time at the beach, just me and the waves. I took walks to work on strengthening my body and heart. I ate the most amazing meals and the people of Mexico I will always hold a special place in my heart.

I have learned that I tend to panic over things that have not happened yet or if they even will. I was so worried about everything that could have gone wrong. Not one thing that kept me up at night even happened. All that wasted energy could have been focused on other things.

So as a promise to myself here are a few of the things I am working on moving forward:

  1. Try not to worry too much about events that have not or could not happen. Worrying about current issues is ok but I promise not to waste time or energy on the “what if’s”
  2. Try and move my body for at least an hour every day. I noticed by doing this whatever stress that was creeping up went away once I started to move. Walking, swimming, whatever…just get out there and move.
  3. I do not need to eat when I’m bored. I had ALOT of alone time with no distractions. This is typically a trigger for me to eat. When that urge arose I went for a walk, or swim, or working on this little community we are building. Funny how when your busy, that thought of food was not even in my brain.
  4. Listen to my body. When I was tired, I slept. When I felt good I went for a walk or worked on things that I needed a bit more focus. Taking bath in the middle of the afternoon. Why the hell not!

So I know this post was more about me and what I have been going though and not much help for others but I want to update everyone on where I have been the last few weeks. Now that it is out in the universe I feel obligated to follow my own damn advice for a change. I’m so quick to help others but haven’t been taking care of myself much. That changes today! What’s that phrase..Please put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others? My ready to help myself finally so I am stronger in supporting and serving others.

Ok folks, that’s it for today. I have a few days left in paradise and I want to get out and enjoy it!

XOXO,

Amy

anxiety · Personal Stories

My Latest Panic Attack: Public Bathroom Edition

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

Hey all,

So today I want to talk about panic attacks. Like out of nowhere slap you in the face, knock you on your ass panic attacks. I had a doozy a few days ago. Epic! Let me set scene..

I’m at work minding my own damn business. I start to get really hot and feel woozy. My chest is starting to tighten up and my breaths become short. My legs turn to what I like to call “jelly legs” they are someone solid, keeping me upright but feel wiggly and unstable. My “oh shit” meter is going off and I know I’m about to go to a place I don’t want to be.

This time I actually got myself into the bathroom. My work bathrooms are the best because they are full brick stalls and full heavy doors. For anyone that appreciates privacy you totally get what I mean. Not those cheap ass stalls you see with gaps. If I can see you, you can for sure see me. When your about to freak out in public..this my friends is like the Four Seasons of bathrooms.

I get inside and the tears immediately begin to flow. I go basically limp while sitting on the toilet. I would have dropped to the floor if I was at home but even though it’s super clean its STILL a public bathroom. Wave after wave to sheer terror wash over me.

If I’m being completely honest most times when I get these I don’t really know what it is that’s bothering me. Just something is not right and then I panic about it. Super frustrating which then makes it so much worse. This time it was so clear and completely random.

My main concern was that my boyfriend was going to die someday. Like it could be today or it could be 50 years from now. Who the hell knows but the only thing I’m focusing on is him dying and what the fuck am I going to do when he does. How does it happen? Will I be there when it does? What if I can’t save him or I panic and ruin any chance of survival. I’m completely irrational at this point. Crying and trying to control my breathing. Trying to control myself by thinking that it’s going to be ok any he’s fine. I’m fine, we are both effing fine and to just stop this . Again I’m completely irrational at this point so you know what I did…?

I had another fucking thought pop up in my head mid attack. So not only do I think my boyfriend is dying but why not think about someone coming to steal my dogs at the same time. WTF?!?!

I have a pretty high profile breed that people have been stealing to get a ransom from the owner or to resell. We all remember Lady Gaga’s dog walker getting shot right? Well my brain took me to a place where my babies are going to get dognapped and I will never see them again. I will get attacked and have to live with the pain and guilt for not saving my babies.

Layers after layer of panic, terror, shame, guilt wash over me. Horrible thought after horrible though keep coming. I think I threw up at one point. There was a lot going on my friends.

At some point I’m starting to realize how long I’ve been hiding in the bathroom and really need to get it together. My two totally random issues collided in a huge way and not in the nicest of ways. It was probably only 10 minutes but it felt like hours with the added stress of being at work.

I’m super hard on myself sometimes and tend to say some not so nice things about what I’m doing. “Get it together” “Just stop” ” Your being ridiculous” They are not really helpful at all. I’m a work in progress too people..I try and help others with tips and tricks to ease the pain and fear..but I still struggle right along with ya’ll. Please if you can remember to be patient with yourself. This is happening only for a little bit and you can do hard things. It will pass and you can tackle the problem when your calm. Lean into the feeling. Acknowledge it and tell yourself you will work on it.

I posted about my panic attacks before here along with my helpful tips on how I can slowly recover from them. Like I said..it does help but sometimes you just have a bad one and it all goes out the window. It’s ok.

One or all may work for you or none whatsoever. There is never a right or wrong way to handle them. It’s just a matter of finding what can get you through in the best way for you.

I always feel a little weird talking about mine because I’m writing this with a safe and calm mind at the moment. Looking back it’s still seems so irrational.

Thanks for being here as always and let’s all try to be kind to each other this week.

XOXO,

Amy

anxiety · Depression · Personal Stories

Real life tips for Anxiety and Depression

swearingtotallyhelps1 Comment

Hey all,

So today is going to get real..so let’s get to it. I want to talk a little bit more about my backstory well before domestic violence entered the picture. It’s not pretty but it’s real life and here we go..

My truth is that I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for 20+ years. Some days are better than others, but the others really do kick the ever loving shit out of me. Up until recently I have always put on the brave face and acted like nothing was wrong. If you saw me at a 9 am meeting with bags under my eyes and a coffee the size of my ass you would think I would have just had a fun night the night before. Truth would be I was probably up all night crying on the floor of my bathroom struggling to breathe. Trying to figure out why and getting more and more upset and frustrated because I couldn’t pinpoint it.

If you truly have never experienced a panic attack let me break it down. Depends on how severe they are..but for me it starts as a slow bubbling of nerves. Feeling agitated, frustrated or maybe even angry but not sure exactly why. The more I think about it the worse it gets. Then the tears start to flow. Hopefully at this point I’m at home or at least can get to a private or semi private place. (I could write a whole post on my public area freak-outs but another day another time.) 

Once the tears start to flow I worry about who will notice and how to hide. That’s when the real fun begins. At this point I feel like the whole world knows and everyone is watching me. My heart and chest start to pound and race. Breathing shortens and the big gasps of air start to come. If it’s a really good one my vision may start to get blurry and then the spins come, along with losing feeling in my toes and fingers from lack of oxygen. 

During this whole ordeal my only thought at the moment is I quite possibly will die from this. Of course that has not happened but every damn time that’s the end result in my head. These can last anywhere from 5 minutes to a half hour. In my head though it feels like seconds are minutes. I have worked on coping skills to help shorten them and try and fend them off the best I can but not all of these little bastards can be tamed.

If you can relate then you know. I have a few people in my life that come from the “snap out of it” mentality and do not quite understand just how hard it is to do just that. I also want to scream “OH!!!!..I never thought to just snap out of it. Let me try that.” I know they probably mean well and wish me no harm but damn…That really is the wrong thing to say to someone.

When they first started coming on a lot of it was mostly situational. Like something actually happened to get me worried or sad or stressed. What is actually kind of scary is now they come on out of nowhere. I could be having a fantastic day and then boom..panic attack. My guess my most recent ones are creeping up from my trauma..but then again I like to self diagnose from Dr.Google.

I do have a prescription for Xanax that I do take for when they come on. I have gone up in dosage over the years but I try and tough it out without them sometimes to just feel somewhat in control and not dependent. I just don’t want it to be my go to. I want to learn to control and minimize instead of masking it with pills. Not above taking it though and you will NEVER hear me judge others who do. Sometimes as my blog title states..I say fuck it, take the pill and keep it moving.

Here is a short list of things that tend to help me come out of them sooner. These are just my things but I would love to hear others’ thoughts and ways. Maybe we can learn other coping skills to help each other.

  1. Find a quiet space. If I am anywhere other than my home I try and look for a place where I can get out of the way. I need quiet because sometimes the outside stimulation makes it worse. I need to quiet and calm my brain so I need a place that will allow me to do that. I have had them in stores before and I will try and get back out to my car or a bathroom. (big shout out to bathroom designers that make a full room with full door. Not the open bathroom stalls with the cracks big enough where people can see in and out.) If I am at home..I tend to gravitate to my bathroom. Small spaces is my go to. I have even sat in my small shower stall. The smaller the better. I feel more in control of the small space around me and feel a bit safer.
  1. If home I have an icepack or cooling towel in my freezer at all times. I tend to overheat so having that cool item next to your chest or even forehead helps me regulate my body temp. If I am out in public I may dip into the bathroom if I’m not already in there and just wet a paper towel and blot around my face or put it on my wrists.
  1. If in public and I’ve found my quiet place or even if I could not find one I will pop my earbuds in and use a soothing app like Calm or Headspace to listen to meditation or a follow along breathing technique to help calm down. Something about a British accent is super soothing. HA! If at home I have Alexa set up with soothing sounds and the apps above to talk to me while I calm myself down.
  1. Worst case, I take my Xanax if it’s getting worse or if it’s lasting longer than I am comfortable with. If I’m still struggling after a half hour after trying my self soothing ideas I will take one.

Bonus tip…Once you are actually calmed down.. please still take it easy if you can. If at work or out and about. Buy yourself something soothing as a treat. Starbucks is my go too. If you can take a minute to just gather your thoughts and sip on something you love it will help get you back to somewhat level. Doing something you love or enjoy can help feel like you again and know that you made it and are going to be ok. If I’m at home I put on something comfy and fuzzy socks and watch some horribly bad reality show or my crack of choice..HGTV. This helps me calm down and focus on something else that I enjoy. Self care people!

The tips I just listed are the things that help me but everyone has their own way of dealing with things. The main thing is to just really be aware of your surroundings and feelings and you do what YOU need to do to make it to the other side. Don’t let anyone ever tell you to snap out of it. The main goal is to get through it and understand that it will pass. It may not feel like it at the time and nothing will make sense but you are strong and will make it. I promise.

 Next time I’ll talk about the depression side of things. Depression likes to take over when the panic attacks are not happening. If it’s not one it’s the other. SO FUN!

Til next time..

Amy