Category: Depression

Hello 2025.. Please don’t suck!
anxiety · Depression · Personal Stories

Hello 2025.. Please don’t suck!

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

Happy New Year everyone!

Or if your not into the big grand celebrations..Happy I hope you deal with less crap than 2024 dished out.

It’s been far to long and I can explain..I really can!

So what had happened was..

Depression, anxiety, weight gain, health issues, losing a pet, not having a permanent place to live. If all these sound like excuses well I could only wish. If you have been following my story you have seen all these things go up and down like a damn roller coaster at Universal Studios. I have good and bad days but damn if 2024 didn’t thoroughly kick my expanded overweight booty.

No excuses.. just raw emotions here. I dropped the ball on so many things. I threw my hands up and said eff it. I hid in my bed, I refused to go anywhere because it just seemed like too much work and I pretty much gave up on everything. My work, relationship, friendships and everything I relied on suffered. It hasn’t been pretty my friends.

It’s always hard to accept when things are not good. It’s even harder to ask for help. Even worse to put it out there for the internet to see. From the beginning of this blog I always said I wasn’t going to sugar coat things. To be real and raw. To talk about things from my past and to help others if I can.

But how can I help others if I am a hot mess myself? Honestly I don’t know. All I can say is that it is too damn scary to do it alone. If you’re alone too just know there are a lot of us out here silently struggling and if I can just be there though the screen or in emails or on social media, I will be. You are not alone. I am not alone. We got this!

So what the heck has been going on? Why have I disappeared?

My depression and anxiety has been completely out of control. I am currently on meds but honestly I may need to have them adjusted. I take them regularly each morning but I still have an overly sense of dread most days. My self esteem has been so low that it’s actually painful thinking of having to get up and put on a brave face. I fake it the best I can but I just know I’m doing a poor job at it.

Nothing seems right. Nothing sparks joy or things I’ve loved now seem like a pain. The amount of anxiety I have over just doing basic things is unbearable. Having to get dressed, trying to look presentable, making sure my eyes are not as puffy from a night of crying. I have completely given up on my appearance, I am 199.98 pound. My 5’3 frame is screaming from the pain of the weight.

I always hear my abuser’s voice in my head during these times. After almost 6 years free..his words haunt me. You will never amount to anything. I wish you were dead, I hate you, your ugly, your worthless. In my darkest moments I believe him.

But then on my good days I see light. I see that I am away from being beaten, I have a job that pays well, I’m slowing digging my way out of all the debt I let myself slide into, and I am way better off than I was before. I have drive, I have ambition, I tell myself I can live the life I deserve. I’m worth it.

Until I’m not…

Until I make a mistake, until I can’t fit in my outfits, until I miss a goal I had for the day. I fall right back in line of hating myself again.

After a while the bad days were taking over the good days and I was less and less productive. If you have been following me you can absolutely see the drop off in posts. I completely gave up.

So here I am putting all my baggage out into the world again. Hoping by being out there and honest I can get that spark again. To see others like myself and know that I’m not perfect but a work in process. I have hope that with patience and hard work the negative will get the hell out of here and the girl I used to be before the trauma will come back. She was pretty cool!

So here’s to 2025! I am begging you to please be kind, to not suck, and to heal myself and others like me. Oh and if you are feeling generous you can throw some extra cash my way too. I’m not to the point of having to do a Squid games situation yet but I feel like I would be a prime candidate that the recruiter would go for!

How was 2024 for you all? Better or worse than the year before. Are you looking forward to anything in 2025?

Just know I’m back and here to talk it out as always,

Xoxo,

Amy

Depression · Personal Stories

Real Life Tips On Managing Depression

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

 Whew! After last weeks post about my panic attacks, I had to mentally prepare for this one too. It’s always been super hard for me to open up about non pleasant things that go on in my day to day. It was a HUGE step to hit the publish button and when I did I freaked out but then oddly a wave of comfort hit me. Knowing my truth was out there was kind of a cool relief. Keeping things in for so long it was like a pressure that was released. I have so many more issues so hold on tight..the seas will be choppy.

Last week I talked about having panic attacks for over 20 years. How they feel and what I do to try and work through them. If you want to catch up you can here..

Today I want to chat about it’s partner in crime..Depression.

My guess is my depression started way before the panic attacks decided to settle in. I can remember in High School having bouts of just absolute dread. Up until a few years ago, I was just chalking it up to being a teenage girl where everything was super dramatic and being depressed was “normal”. Well with all the talks and information out there now being focused on mental health I can pretty much say it was clinical for me and not just the hormones.

I grew up in a small town. But before settling in one spot during my High School years I moved around a lot with my mom. So building those lifelong friendships from kindergarten was never going to happen for me. When I finally landed where I would graduate my freshman year the bonds were already formed. I moved to a small town and my class size that I graduated with was 32 people. THRITY FREAKING TWO.

Everyone knew everyone since birth. Their parents even all went to school together, married and stayed in this same small town. You could not even walk down our one stoplight town without someone saying something about so and so and who did what. Let’s just say if you were trying to be sneaky you had the whole town on watch and best believe your parents would find out before you even got home. Looking back I was probably blessed to have those values my home town.

So when I entered my freshman year I was walking into bonds that had been formed by generations. Everyone was nice of course. I am from the Midwest..but I was always going to be the outsider. This was also a town that nobody really moved to. You moved out but not allot moved in.

I did my best to be active. I joined the cheerleading team, drama, and volunteered for prom committee and even ran for student council. I knew I wasn’t going to win, but I felt that maybe my small school would would get to know me a bit better.

I actually tried to be active to make friends but to also find something to do after school. We lived 30 miles away from the small town on a lake. It was gorgeous but far away. My mom worked in town but did not get off work until 5pm so I always had to figure out what to do for 2 hours. 2 hours felt like agony when you had nowhere to go.

I was not really invited to peoples homes since we were not super close. A lot of the time I just hung out by a tree and read a book if the weather was nice. Winters was a bit more tricky trying to find a warm place. That’s another reason why I signed up to do EVERYTHING I think. I had an excuse to be at school after hours.

Being so isolated and far from “town” I didn’t get to do much in the ways of High School type things. No parties or just hanging out on the weekends. This is when I think I had my very first major depressive episode. It was the Summer before my Sophomore year.

I had my first year in a new town and school. I was building a bit of momentum in trying to be included. But that last day of school in the spring and the car ride home I felt an overly heavy sense of dread. No car and no place to be in town. I was worried that none of the semi-ish friends I made would even reach out or make plans. I was right.

That whole summer I was home bound. Mom worked, but if I rode with her I would have to keep myself busy in town until she was done. It was hard enough for two hours after school but a full 8 hours would have been tourture. My whole town was walkable a matter of an hour. Not a lot of stores or places to “hang out.

Living on a lake in the summer was fun for the first few weeks but when your alone in the house and nobody to hang or share it with was a bit lonely. I ended up staying up most nights really late only so I could sleep away most of the day. Night time was easier since I felt if I could not see outside I wasn’t missing anything and if I slept all day then missing the sunshine would not make be feel so bad. I still feel that way to this day.

This was a pattern all summer. Living in the dark basically. Nothing could get me excited enough to get out of bed. I had nothing to do and no where to go. Once the Fall school year came around it was like I started school all over again. Hearing about the fun summers everyone had. I think I actually made up things I did just so I felt more normal. This was the beginning of me honing my skills on masking my true feelings and real life.

Looking back now and knowing the signs I was extremely depressed and needed some sort of help. Back in the day though it wasn’t something we talked about. My mom and I were not super close so that was something I wasn’t going to mention. I actually think if I did ask for help I’m not really sure we had the resources financially or even in our town.

When I moved out at 18 to start my adult life I felt like I was free to be honest. My little baby self felt like my issues was because of my locations button I was wrong because it follows you. Who knew? HAHAHA!

That feeling of dread and sadness has always come and gone in my life. Most of the time it has been because of something actually happening. Some event most would say it’s ok to be sad. Its normal. Then other times I talk myself into being sad. The pity party comes out. Then I’m down for weeks.

I have been on and off meds and had many therapists over the years. I was always the stereotype they talk about with anti-depressants, Once I started to feel better I would stop taking them and then 6 months later I’d start all over again. That’s been the cycle.

If I’m being completely honest I’m not on them right now or even talking with a therapist anymore. And it shows. I feel myself slipping back into old habits and not feeling the best. More on that later.

Last post I talked about things I do during my panic attacks but wanted to give you a few tips on what I do to try and boost my mood when all I want to do is eat everything in sight and sleep.

  1. Get bit of exercise: I try and make myself get out of bed or the couch and go for a short walk. I makes deals with myself if I just get outside for 10 minutes for a walk I can watch more Netflix. Good thing is once I’m up and out there I usually stay out longer. Get your body moving and maybe the fresh air will do some good.

  2. Find a hobby:I have tried many things like knitting, puzzles, painting    and I just bought a Cricut machine! I’m completely overwhelmed with it but I’m excited to at least to dig in and figure out what I can do. Even if you can find something to do WHILE your bed or watching tv. It will keep your mind sharp and possible your mind off whatever you are struggling with. Even just for a little bit it will help.

3. Volunteer: This one was hard for me. I felt if I could barely care for myself how could I even attempt to help others. I was so uncomfortable being around others sometimes so if you are like me try working with animals. I walked dogs at the humane society for years. Those poor babies need love too and they will absolutely give you love back. Total mood booster!

These are just a few I do but anything to really get moving will do. It’s ok to allow yourself to have a moment but when those moments turn into days and weeks then it’s time to try and understand where it’s coming from and ask for help if needed.

Therapy may be the next step if you feel that it is worsening or if it is starting to affect other aspects your life. It can be weird to talk about things to a complete stranger but once you find the right one and you are comfortable it’s ok. Just remember they are there to help and maybe even get you to think of things a different way and you can get a bit of clarity.

The one thing I do want to say is that please NEVER feel ashamed or embarrassed by how you feel. There are too many like me that have held it in for so long. You never have to feel you are alone. Reach out to a trusted family member or friend. Hell if you need to email me I will listen. I’m not embarressed to say I have called hotlines in the past. If you are having a rough time please call these guys…. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ I’ve done it and they are great. You can even chat/text if that makes you a bit more comfortable. Just reach out and start talking.

That’s it for today and I mean it if you need an ear..please reach out to the hotline or someone you trust. YOU MATTER!

XOXO

Amy

anxiety · Depression · Personal Stories

Real life tips for Anxiety and Depression

swearingtotallyhelps1 Comment

Hey all,

So today is going to get real..so let’s get to it. I want to talk a little bit more about my backstory well before domestic violence entered the picture. It’s not pretty but it’s real life and here we go..

My truth is that I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for 20+ years. Some days are better than others, but the others really do kick the ever loving shit out of me. Up until recently I have always put on the brave face and acted like nothing was wrong. If you saw me at a 9 am meeting with bags under my eyes and a coffee the size of my ass you would think I would have just had a fun night the night before. Truth would be I was probably up all night crying on the floor of my bathroom struggling to breathe. Trying to figure out why and getting more and more upset and frustrated because I couldn’t pinpoint it.

If you truly have never experienced a panic attack let me break it down. Depends on how severe they are..but for me it starts as a slow bubbling of nerves. Feeling agitated, frustrated or maybe even angry but not sure exactly why. The more I think about it the worse it gets. Then the tears start to flow. Hopefully at this point I’m at home or at least can get to a private or semi private place. (I could write a whole post on my public area freak-outs but another day another time.) 

Once the tears start to flow I worry about who will notice and how to hide. That’s when the real fun begins. At this point I feel like the whole world knows and everyone is watching me. My heart and chest start to pound and race. Breathing shortens and the big gasps of air start to come. If it’s a really good one my vision may start to get blurry and then the spins come, along with losing feeling in my toes and fingers from lack of oxygen. 

During this whole ordeal my only thought at the moment is I quite possibly will die from this. Of course that has not happened but every damn time that’s the end result in my head. These can last anywhere from 5 minutes to a half hour. In my head though it feels like seconds are minutes. I have worked on coping skills to help shorten them and try and fend them off the best I can but not all of these little bastards can be tamed.

If you can relate then you know. I have a few people in my life that come from the “snap out of it” mentality and do not quite understand just how hard it is to do just that. I also want to scream “OH!!!!..I never thought to just snap out of it. Let me try that.” I know they probably mean well and wish me no harm but damn…That really is the wrong thing to say to someone.

When they first started coming on a lot of it was mostly situational. Like something actually happened to get me worried or sad or stressed. What is actually kind of scary is now they come on out of nowhere. I could be having a fantastic day and then boom..panic attack. My guess my most recent ones are creeping up from my trauma..but then again I like to self diagnose from Dr.Google.

I do have a prescription for Xanax that I do take for when they come on. I have gone up in dosage over the years but I try and tough it out without them sometimes to just feel somewhat in control and not dependent. I just don’t want it to be my go to. I want to learn to control and minimize instead of masking it with pills. Not above taking it though and you will NEVER hear me judge others who do. Sometimes as my blog title states..I say fuck it, take the pill and keep it moving.

Here is a short list of things that tend to help me come out of them sooner. These are just my things but I would love to hear others’ thoughts and ways. Maybe we can learn other coping skills to help each other.

  1. Find a quiet space. If I am anywhere other than my home I try and look for a place where I can get out of the way. I need quiet because sometimes the outside stimulation makes it worse. I need to quiet and calm my brain so I need a place that will allow me to do that. I have had them in stores before and I will try and get back out to my car or a bathroom. (big shout out to bathroom designers that make a full room with full door. Not the open bathroom stalls with the cracks big enough where people can see in and out.) If I am at home..I tend to gravitate to my bathroom. Small spaces is my go to. I have even sat in my small shower stall. The smaller the better. I feel more in control of the small space around me and feel a bit safer.
  1. If home I have an icepack or cooling towel in my freezer at all times. I tend to overheat so having that cool item next to your chest or even forehead helps me regulate my body temp. If I am out in public I may dip into the bathroom if I’m not already in there and just wet a paper towel and blot around my face or put it on my wrists.
  1. If in public and I’ve found my quiet place or even if I could not find one I will pop my earbuds in and use a soothing app like Calm or Headspace to listen to meditation or a follow along breathing technique to help calm down. Something about a British accent is super soothing. HA! If at home I have Alexa set up with soothing sounds and the apps above to talk to me while I calm myself down.
  1. Worst case, I take my Xanax if it’s getting worse or if it’s lasting longer than I am comfortable with. If I’m still struggling after a half hour after trying my self soothing ideas I will take one.

Bonus tip…Once you are actually calmed down.. please still take it easy if you can. If at work or out and about. Buy yourself something soothing as a treat. Starbucks is my go too. If you can take a minute to just gather your thoughts and sip on something you love it will help get you back to somewhat level. Doing something you love or enjoy can help feel like you again and know that you made it and are going to be ok. If I’m at home I put on something comfy and fuzzy socks and watch some horribly bad reality show or my crack of choice..HGTV. This helps me calm down and focus on something else that I enjoy. Self care people!

The tips I just listed are the things that help me but everyone has their own way of dealing with things. The main thing is to just really be aware of your surroundings and feelings and you do what YOU need to do to make it to the other side. Don’t let anyone ever tell you to snap out of it. The main goal is to get through it and understand that it will pass. It may not feel like it at the time and nothing will make sense but you are strong and will make it. I promise.

 Next time I’ll talk about the depression side of things. Depression likes to take over when the panic attacks are not happening. If it’s not one it’s the other. SO FUN!

Til next time..

Amy