Tag: Mental health

anxiety · Depression · Personal Stories

Real life tips for Anxiety and Depression

swearingtotallyhelps1 Comment

Hey all,

So today is going to get real..so let’s get to it. I want to talk a little bit more about my backstory well before domestic violence entered the picture. It’s not pretty but it’s real life and here we go..

My truth is that I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for 20+ years. Some days are better than others, but the others really do kick the ever loving shit out of me. Up until recently I have always put on the brave face and acted like nothing was wrong. If you saw me at a 9 am meeting with bags under my eyes and a coffee the size of my ass you would think I would have just had a fun night the night before. Truth would be I was probably up all night crying on the floor of my bathroom struggling to breathe. Trying to figure out why and getting more and more upset and frustrated because I couldn’t pinpoint it.

If you truly have never experienced a panic attack let me break it down. Depends on how severe they are..but for me it starts as a slow bubbling of nerves. Feeling agitated, frustrated or maybe even angry but not sure exactly why. The more I think about it the worse it gets. Then the tears start to flow. Hopefully at this point I’m at home or at least can get to a private or semi private place. (I could write a whole post on my public area freak-outs but another day another time.) 

Once the tears start to flow I worry about who will notice and how to hide. That’s when the real fun begins. At this point I feel like the whole world knows and everyone is watching me. My heart and chest start to pound and race. Breathing shortens and the big gasps of air start to come. If it’s a really good one my vision may start to get blurry and then the spins come, along with losing feeling in my toes and fingers from lack of oxygen. 

During this whole ordeal my only thought at the moment is I quite possibly will die from this. Of course that has not happened but every damn time that’s the end result in my head. These can last anywhere from 5 minutes to a half hour. In my head though it feels like seconds are minutes. I have worked on coping skills to help shorten them and try and fend them off the best I can but not all of these little bastards can be tamed.

If you can relate then you know. I have a few people in my life that come from the “snap out of it” mentality and do not quite understand just how hard it is to do just that. I also want to scream “OH!!!!..I never thought to just snap out of it. Let me try that.” I know they probably mean well and wish me no harm but damn…That really is the wrong thing to say to someone.

When they first started coming on a lot of it was mostly situational. Like something actually happened to get me worried or sad or stressed. What is actually kind of scary is now they come on out of nowhere. I could be having a fantastic day and then boom..panic attack. My guess my most recent ones are creeping up from my trauma..but then again I like to self diagnose from Dr.Google.

I do have a prescription for Xanax that I do take for when they come on. I have gone up in dosage over the years but I try and tough it out without them sometimes to just feel somewhat in control and not dependent. I just don’t want it to be my go to. I want to learn to control and minimize instead of masking it with pills. Not above taking it though and you will NEVER hear me judge others who do. Sometimes as my blog title states..I say fuck it, take the pill and keep it moving.

Here is a short list of things that tend to help me come out of them sooner. These are just my things but I would love to hear others’ thoughts and ways. Maybe we can learn other coping skills to help each other.

  1. Find a quiet space. If I am anywhere other than my home I try and look for a place where I can get out of the way. I need quiet because sometimes the outside stimulation makes it worse. I need to quiet and calm my brain so I need a place that will allow me to do that. I have had them in stores before and I will try and get back out to my car or a bathroom. (big shout out to bathroom designers that make a full room with full door. Not the open bathroom stalls with the cracks big enough where people can see in and out.) If I am at home..I tend to gravitate to my bathroom. Small spaces is my go to. I have even sat in my small shower stall. The smaller the better. I feel more in control of the small space around me and feel a bit safer.
  1. If home I have an icepack or cooling towel in my freezer at all times. I tend to overheat so having that cool item next to your chest or even forehead helps me regulate my body temp. If I am out in public I may dip into the bathroom if I’m not already in there and just wet a paper towel and blot around my face or put it on my wrists.
  1. If in public and I’ve found my quiet place or even if I could not find one I will pop my earbuds in and use a soothing app like Calm or Headspace to listen to meditation or a follow along breathing technique to help calm down. Something about a British accent is super soothing. HA! If at home I have Alexa set up with soothing sounds and the apps above to talk to me while I calm myself down.
  1. Worst case, I take my Xanax if it’s getting worse or if it’s lasting longer than I am comfortable with. If I’m still struggling after a half hour after trying my self soothing ideas I will take one.

Bonus tip…Once you are actually calmed down.. please still take it easy if you can. If at work or out and about. Buy yourself something soothing as a treat. Starbucks is my go too. If you can take a minute to just gather your thoughts and sip on something you love it will help get you back to somewhat level. Doing something you love or enjoy can help feel like you again and know that you made it and are going to be ok. If I’m at home I put on something comfy and fuzzy socks and watch some horribly bad reality show or my crack of choice..HGTV. This helps me calm down and focus on something else that I enjoy. Self care people!

The tips I just listed are the things that help me but everyone has their own way of dealing with things. The main thing is to just really be aware of your surroundings and feelings and you do what YOU need to do to make it to the other side. Don’t let anyone ever tell you to snap out of it. The main goal is to get through it and understand that it will pass. It may not feel like it at the time and nothing will make sense but you are strong and will make it. I promise.

 Next time I’ll talk about the depression side of things. Depression likes to take over when the panic attacks are not happening. If it’s not one it’s the other. SO FUN!

Til next time..

Amy

Uncategorized

Finally free from my abusive past

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So my last posts were about my 6 years being in an abusive relationship. If you want to see my story you can read it here..

My domestic violence story: Part 1

My domestic violence story: Part 2

It was pretty hard for me to get that all out but everyone has a story and I wanted mine to be heard. I want you to know that I get it. I see you. You are not alone.

It wasn’t easy though. For so long I kept it inside and was scared to ask for help. You get so brainwashed that you feel like no one will believe you or want to help because it’s too messy to get involved. I thought it was just easier to not bother anyone and I will handle it on my own.

That day that he left and took pretty much everything I had with him was Day 1 of my recovery. I was sitting on the empty floor with my two dogs and cried for hours. I was so stunned and so used to him controlling every hour of every day I felt lost,abandoned and had no clue what to do next. My initial thought was I can’t go on without him. Which is totally ironic to think about because everyday I thought about how I wished I could get out of my situation. But now faced with being completely alone I was terrified.

I was in a city that I knew no one and my closet friends were over 1000 miles away. The hard part was I had been lying to EVERYONE I knew for 6 years. Not one person that knew me knew I was going through this. So to make a phone call to my 3 best friends asking for help was going to be hard. I knew they would be there for me but I also knew the bomb I was about to drop on them. Spoiler alert.. They were fantastic, but not without a few “why didn’t you tell me?”

Why didn’t I tell them? That’s the hardest question for me to answer. Why the hell didn’t I? Bottom line I was embarrassed. The first time he choked me. I wrote it off as a one time thing and I didn’t want to say anything because I loved him and they would tell me to leave him. The first time he raped me I didn’t feel comfortable telling someone that for fear of what they would think of me. Days, months, years went on and at that point it was just my normal every day and I was too far in. I would lie through my teeth why I could not go anywhere (because I had bruises around my neck). Sorry I could not go bike riding with the group because I was bleeding still from the rape the night before. I slowly started to withdraw and it became my new normal to lie.

So now that he was gone I had nothing to lie about and the truth was about to be exposed wide open.

I mentioned I had nothing left in the apartment but a few clothes and my two dogs. He even took all the food. He left a $20 bill on the counter and zero in the bank account. My gas tank was empty and I did not have a job since I put my two weeks in since we were moving. Panic set in. One of my friends suggested I start a Go Fund Me. Are you FUCKING kidding?!?! was my response. That way the world would know and it was hard enough telling my friends I lied to them over the last 6 years. I cried and said no, then cried some more and in my panic manic crying I said fine and wrote an abbreviated/PC version of my story on the Go Fund Me site and hit publish.

THEN I IMMEDIATELY THREW UP!

I felt so sick putting it out there. I was always the strong one and now I’m the idiot that stayed with a man that hurt me daily. That was my internal dialog. Once I hit publish I was so overwhelmed with sickness and emotion and panic I must have passed out on the bathroom tile by the toilet.

When I woke up I was stiff. Partly from sleeping on the cold hard floor but looking in the mirror I still had the reminders of the life I have been leading. Bruises, bags and puffiness under my eyes from crying and always looking at myself with disgust. It was day 2 of my new life and my outlook was just a bit better than the day before.

When I finally got moving and washed my tear crusted face I saw my phone and all the alerts. LIKE A TON OF THEM. I completely forgot about the Go Fund Me and I burst into tears again. This time tears of love and a sense of feeling like I mattered. With each ding of my phone I saw friends, past co-workers, long lost acquaintances and people I didn’t even know pop up with words of encouragement and strength. They were opening up their wallets for me and it was just almost too much to handle. I felt so guilty but thankful and relived that I would be able to pick myself up and start the long process of figuring out my next chapter.

After a few days and the strength of my besties we put together a plan on how to get me back to the state where they were. I had a few days to wait until the Go Fund Me money would come in and I could get out of the town I felt stuck in.

When I finally closed the door on that condo and shut my car door and saw my puppies ready to go we hit the road. I think I cried the first 100 miles while I was driving back to my safe space. It was a 3 day drive and I remember the first night I stopped to find a hotel. I didn’t sleep most of the night because it was the first time in a long while I’ve been out in the world alone without him. I had a overwhelming sense of fear something was going to happen to me. Before I only feared him but now I was fearful of the whole damn world. It was a weird feeling because when I was with him he kept me safe from outside harm. I just was not safe inside the home.

When I finally made it to my safe place it was a whole other sense of emotions creeping up. I was finally free. He didn’t know where I was exactly but I know he probably knew what state I was going back too.

In the whirlwind of being “free” I had appointments set up with a domestic abuse advocate, apartment showings, and job interviews. I’m not going to lie I was completely overwhelmed. Like crying in a ball on the corner of my friends floor overwhelmed. Having to make decisions was terrifying. My brains first reaction was I need to check with him if this was ok, then that totally pissed me off, then I cried about it. I could go from 0 to meltdown real quick.

My DV advocate was fantastic with listening to my crazy meltdowns and assured me MANY times that it’s going to be an adjustment. I remember when I fist got back into town I needed to to go to Target to buy basic need type things. I had a meltdown in the shampoo aisle because it was completely overwhelming to make my own choices. Also the sound of a garage door opening would literally bring me to my knees. When I heard the door that meant he was home and my life was going to be difficult. At my friends house I heard the garage door each day and I still had a sense of dread. I still do and to be honest that one is one of my top triggers to break free from.

In the first month I was back I secured employment and found an apartment. The job was great and it really helped me build back my confidence. My apartment..not so much. Think back to where you thought was the worst place you lived. Then think worse than that and that was my new home. It was all I could afford but it was mine. As my new job was building me up I would come home to the reminder that I’m starting from nothing at 40. It was tough those first few months. Thrift store bought everything and sleeping on an air mattress.

I felt I was living a lie again. I was successful at work but falling backwards deep into depression when I would get home.I was making an amazing salary but the crushing debt I was in was limiting my ability to thrive financially. My credit cards were maxed out due to all of our moves over the years.

Therapy was helping a little but I was struggling to be completely honest on what I went through and how I was feeling currently. Reverting back to making sure everything was fine on the outside was easier than being honest. With my first therapist after the break..I never told her all the ugly details. I just couldn’t bring myself to say them out loud. I skimmed over everything and just said it was bad and he hurt me.

Those first few months were rough. All the emotions you can feel could happen all within an hour period. I never knew when a trigger would hit and how well I would handle it. I think I mentioned before that please never let anyone tell you how quick or what you should be doing to “get over it”. This year it will be 6 years since that day my world changed. I still have triggers, I still cry and I still have nightmares..but you know what? It’s not everyday anymore and sometimes not even monthly so it does get better. I promise. In the coming weeks I will get in more detail on what I did and how I baby stepped my back back to living the life I deserve.

Love you guys,

Amy

Personal Stories

My Domestic Violence Story: Part 2

swearingtotallyhelps1 Comment

My Domestic Violence Story Part 2.

TRIGGER WARNING…This post contains details about physical, mental and sexual abuse. I know it can be hard to read if you have lived it. If you are still struggling you can totally skip this post and I promise not to be mad at ya.

My last post was the beginning of my domestic violence back story..but not the whole story. If you would like to catch up and read part one you can do so here…

My Domestic Violence Story..Part 1

Caught up? Alrighty..let’s continue.

We are at 4 years of mental, physical, sexual abuse and I was a shell of a human being. At that point I was self employed.I had a pretty successful resale clothing business and that was helping me just cover the bare minimum of my living expenses. Life was pretty miserable. I completely isolated myself from the outside world. I only went out to go to stores to buy inventory for the business and if I went anywhere else he was with me. My overall health was poor.I gained so much weight and I was not caring about routine exams or how my appearance was. I learned through therapy I was subconsciously trying to make myself unattractive as a defense mechanism. 

One morning he wakes up and says to me (after raping me) that I am no longer useful and I’m bringing him down. I’m the reason he can’t hold a job, I’m the reason we are struggling financially, I’m the reason why everything is the way it is. If I wasn’t so bad he would not have to treat me this way and blah blah and blah. Then he said I had to move out. I had been wishing to get out for years but never had the nerve of the resources. This man actually paid for a Uhaul and helped me pack up my things and drove it back to where I had a support system. I drove my car alone and I think I seriously cried for the whole16 hours.

He was actually being civil with the move and to be honest I needed the help. We had to stop halfway and I purchased a hotel room off the interstate for myself and my dogs. I was not planning on him staying in the room with me. That night he felt the need to attack me one last time and got in the room when I went to walk the dogs. This time choking me to where I blacked out. Waking up that morning I instantly felt the pain in my pelvic area and in the mirror saw the bruises. As I left the hotel that morning I could not stop crying every time I saw him following me in the rear view mirror.

When we arrived at our destination he immediately hopped out of the truck and into an Uber to go to the airport to fly back. Just like that we were done and he was gone. No words exchanged.

I wish that is how the story ends…God do I wish.

You know what they say.. It takes many tries to finally rid yourself of an abuser and finally know that you need to get away. I was alone for 6 months trying to rebuild. It was hard and lonely and still was not talking to ANYONE about the pain. Everyone just thought I went through a break up with a long term boyfriend. Then I get an email with an apology, then a text with promises of therapy and then the calls. Love and respect was promised and my dumb ass answered the phone. Slowly he came back into my life. I was weak, scared, lonely, and deep down longing for the man he was at the beginning. I was surprised I still loved this man after everything.

After a forceful conversation and manipulation I was back moving again to his home town where his family lived. He lost his mother and I was finally meeting a few of his family members.I figured he has truly changed being back with his family and he could NEVER be the man he was before. He was broken from losing his mom and he needed someone to help him and love him. I’m such a fool:) 

What I learned from his family was he had a daughter and was physically abusive to her mother. He also went to prison. FUCKING prison for almost killing another man. His cousin was a high powered states attorney and she told me flat out I need to get away from this man. WHAT?!?! No wonder he kept me away for them for so long.

More moves and the abuser in him started creeping back out. Year 4 and 5 was the years I pretty much gave up on everything.Death was welcomed. I was back in the depths of hell and I was too embarrassed to admit I made a mistake by having him back in my life. At this point in year 6, I am completely unemployed, no money, no car because he took it. He had a company car when I first met him and when he first got fired he just used mine and pretty much never gave it back. I was completely isolated from family and friends again and everyday was hoping I didn’t wake up from sleep. I wanted nothing more than the pain to go away. To end it. I was just scared to do it myself. With each rape, hit, choke, punch I was hoping it would be the final one. I would dream of him getting arrested. Having to answer to his family and my people what happened and have him look them in the eye. I always wondered if his daughter knew what he did to her mother. While I was with him his daughter and him had a rocky relationship. He would always preach about staying in school working hard and would take her to volunteer and help the community. Saying service to others was essential and giving back was just what you do. Meanwhile when they were out I was soaking in the bathtub to ease the pain of the cuts and bruises.

February 2nd 2019

That was my independence day. It started as any other day or move for that matter. We were expected to move cross country again. One of the rare times we were actually moving together and at the same time. Boxes were packed and just a few last minute errands needed to be done before we loaded up the U-Haul and we were going to hit the road. Of course I was always so happy anytime I could be alone in the car and just drive. I felt so free. So I begged if I could drop off the cable box and the other random tasks that needed to be done. He actually said yes. It was shocking since I was not allowed to go anywhere alone. That’s why it was such a treat.I dropped him off to pick up the U-Haul and the car hauler. I told him I would be back in about an hour and I set my phone timer. Always hell to pay if I was even a minute late so I wanted to keep track of how I was doing. He said take your time which I thought was odd and I was off.

My hour was almost up. When I rounded the corner to the house I saw that the U-Haul was not there. I wondered if there was an issue at the store. I paid in full so there should not have been an issue. I pulled in the driveway and opened the garage door and it was completely empty. Only an hour later it was full of boxes and furniture. We didn’t have much but we moved pretty much everything in the garage the night before so it would be an easy and quick load in. Guess it was quick and easy because everything I owned inside the house and outside was gone. HE was gone. I walked in the house. Empty. There was a note on the table that said Go Fuck Yourself Bitch and a $20 dollar bill. For that moment that was the only thing I had. My car, the clothes on my back and my two dogs. I later found a box of clothes that actually was labeled Amy’s clothes that he left so I had a little bit more. I was terrified and overjoyed with tears at the same time. As I sat on the empty floor I had no idea what to do next but I knew I was going to be ok. He was gone and I had a lot of work to do to pick up the pieces.

Typically you want to be the hero in your own story. Being brave enough to leave with your head held high and a middle finger in the air. This man left me in the most dramatic of ways. And I’m eternally grateful he did. Looking back I wouldn’t have had the strength. He gave me the best gift that day.

In the next few posts I will talk more about my recovery and struggles while trying to rebuild my life. 

Til next time

xoxo

Amy

Personal Stories

My Domestic Violence Story..Part 1

swearingtotallyhelps2 Comments

TRIGGER WARNING…This post contains details about physical, mental and sexual abuse. I know it can be hard to read if you have lived it. If you are still struggling you can totally skip this post and I promise not to be mad at ya.

Hey all!  Today I wanted to get real deep and basically rip the bandaid off and tell you about my past and how I am trying and still trying to pull myself out of the darkness that was my life for 6 freaking years. I want you to get to know the real person behind the blog. My struggles and the backstory that makes me who I am today.

This February I am 5 years free of my abuser and I will tell you not a day goes by that I do not have a flashback, or a random nightmare or even just adjusting how I do normal day to day activities because of it. I will say I am doing much better but those 6 years has shaped how I do things now. Some good and some bad.

So let’s get into it..

First to be able to get to the point where I am telling the story publicly is a HUGE win. It does get easier to talk about and also therapeutic but those first few days of being alone and having to ask for help was the hardest part. I have always been a pretty independent person. Did most things for myself and was always the one everyone else would come to for help. I never asked for anything.

So when I met Mr. Fuck Face AKA MFF (totally petty I know but for me it makes me feel a bit better) I seriously thought I met the all around perfect package. He was smart, handsome, funny, loves sports and worked in the same industry as I did. We actually met because we worked for the same large sporting company. Different departments but ours co mingled nicely. I would see him in meetings and around campus. Having to travel for work I would see him in different cities as well since we both had to go to away events. Stolen glances and cute smiles here and there. And I’m not above admitting that I found him and followed him on Twitter. One night..(with wine probably) I decided to slide into his Dm’s to say hello. It was more like…”Hey you popped up on Twitter and realized we never have actually spoken but we have been in the room like a million times so wanted to say hello”

Do you ever have a moment in your life that one decision you made changed the whole course of your life? That was mine. Sliding into the effing DM’s like a teenage girl. That was the beginning. The beginning of 6 years of feeling worthless, empty, full of pain and sadness, scared and feeling that death might have been a better choice. Yeah it was that bad where I felt that not living was better than living. Terrifying.

Once the Dm’s were flowing, the texting started and the flirting at work increased. We had our first actual date at the breakfast place before work. Scary to think after that date I had a really great feeling about this man. Still to this day it has rocked my judgment of character. By the way you will always question the what ifs. It will always drag you down. You can’t change it..just learn and heal.

Here is where it gets a bit crazy and insane. Full disclosure: I actually just went through a painful divorce a year before. (more on that later) I was JUST finally getting over that and was not looking to date but he just showed up when I wasn’t looking. In hindsight I probably wasn’t fully healed from a failed marriage but knowing now that’s what he was praying on.

See if you can spot the first red flag that I CLEARLY didn’t see. We were casually dating, having a fun time watching sports, dining out on sushi and had the best conversations. He just moved to the city where our headquarters were located and he was living out of a hotel until he found housing. 3 weeks in we were getting closer and he was over at my place and we were watching a game on tv. It was getting late but neither one of us was making a move. What a gentleman right? We could feel the tension building but again nothing happened. We said goodnight and hugged at my front door and he was off. And get this ladies..It was like a damn rom com movie. Not even 10 minutes after I watched his taillights leave my place I got a knock on the door. Open it and he comes full on and kisses me and said he could not leave without doing that. And IT WAS ON! It was fast and super romantic and I loved every second of it. He spent the night that night for the first time. But sadly it was the first night he stayed and he never left after that.

Remember when I said he was living in a hotel. Well the company I worked for was pretty cheap with its employees so it wasn’t the greatest. So at the beginning of “us” we went out almost every night after work. Happy hours and then back to my place where I felt bad he had to go back to that crappy hotel when he could just stay here with me and we could “snuggle”. A few days turned into a week and then two. He was gone for a few days because of work travel but that’s it. His things were just starting to stay at my place because it was “easier”.

3 weeks in he was fully moved into my one bedroom apartment and I didn’t even notice or care because everything was so great and we were connecting on a level that I was missing in my marriage.I was in a full fledged relationship and living together after 3 weeks of the DM slide. This red flag I think belongs to me. I still have not forgiven myself for not understanding how quick it was and just how risky and wrong that was. Oh he took full advantage but I still was the one to open the door. This is now what I have found to be called love bombing.

Things were fantastic the first 6 months. No issues. Very loving and we had a great relationship. Talked for hours and really got to know each other and even got a brand new amazing condo overlooking a river. Both on the lease and we were moving forward. Together.

Once we got into the new place things started to change. I was getting a more moodier man. More snippy comments and him being more withdrawn. I would try and talk to him about it but this is when the insults and putdowns start gradually. I was being told I’m reading into things and it’s none of my business what he was feeling. I remember feeling so rejected that the tears started flowing. He looked right at me with disgust and said..”Oh shit your going to be one of those girls that cries over everything.” That was the start of everything being my fault. I was causing the mood swings, snippy comments, put downs. Each night I went to bed wondering where was the man I had for the first 6 months. Where did he go?

Then he got fired from the company I worked for for 4 years. Instantly it was something I did. I must have done something to get him fired. I just remember how exhausted and tired I was trying to defend myself. I still to this day do not know the reason, but that was job number 1 out of many I had to weather the storm.

Two weeks later and maneuvering around a very moody man I came home from work. He had flowers and presents and a dinner reservation waiting for me. Crying he said how sorry he was the last few months and I should have never been the brunt of his anger. I was crying, he was crying and it was so tender and honest and real..or so I thought.

After dinner we get home and I run upstairs to change. I decided to be cute and was going to wear one of his comfy sweatshirts and we could snuggle up and have a great rest of the night on the couch watching our favorite shows. I walk into his closet to find it all packed up with 3 suitcases and everything gone. I went into the bathroom and all his stuff was off the counter and packed. I ran downstairs and immediately started crying and wondering what was going on. He tells me he took a job in another state 1500 miles away and he is getting on the train in an hour and I need to drop him off at the station. WHAT THE ENTIRE FUCK?

That was the beginning of me moving all over the country for this man. Job to job and state to state. Why I decided to follow was because I loved him. I thought he loved me and he kept promising the next state, the next job was going to be the one to get us to levels we never were before. He was a very successful man in his industry. He talked a great game and employers bought it..but the pattern was after 6 months it was over and we were on to the next one. We moved 8 different times to 6 different states. I have a wide variety of clipped license plates and driver’s licenses.

With each and every move it happened like the first one. I would come home and he would tell me he was moving THAT day and I would have to stay behind and pack up, tie up loose ends and then he would come back and get me to move everything to our new home or state. I had an amazing career in sports that I loved. I tried to keep up and find a job in each state but as you can imagine it was starting to get hard to explain why I bounced around so much. Before I met him I was with my company for 5 years and the job before that 7 years. Eventually I had to start my own company and make my own money so the moves would not affect my personal income. Meanwhile I would be paying for all the moves and expenses. He would always tell me his employer would cover the move and to keep the receipts but of course that never was returned.

With each and every move his attitude was getting worse. The verbal insults, gaslighting and emotional roller-coaster was getting too much to bear. I had a mental breakdown in year 3. Got on meds, therapy, the whole thing. But of course me being super embarrassed I never said why EXACTLY I was upset. I was protecting him. During that time was when he raped me for the first time.

Needless to say after being an emotional punching bag for so long I was not exactly in the mood for sexy time. I was beginning to resent him and trying to figure out a way to get out. One night I was sleeping and woke up to him holding me down and he was trying to get inside me. I was fighting and trying to get away but he was so much bigger. I remember just laying there and waiting for it to be over. This was the first of many. Each time getting more and more violent and more forceful. It was very degrading and he was physically injuring my body. I remember once I actually had a OBGYN appt two days after and I swear the Dr knew something was off because it hurt so bad while she was doing the exam. Of course I never said anything.

6 years and not one word. Not to family, friends and even doctors that clearly knew what was going on but with a straight face I told my cover story. 

In the next post I will talk about how I broke free…It’s not how you would exactly think. 

Til next time..

Amy

Personal Stories

Hello and welcome to the Shit Show!

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

VULGAR SLANG: US noun: shit show

  1. a situation or event marked by chaos or controversy.
  2. my life

Hey all,

I totally felt like I had to start my first blog post with what I say almost daily. It could be about me or others, but let’s face it..we all love a good shit show. That’s probably why you are here and why we are going to be best friends. I love you guys already. 

My name is Amy and that’s really all I can tell you for now. I’ll explain more on that in a future post. Unfortunately that’s a shit show that’s not so great but I’ll totally be transparent in due time.

Damn that sounds like an amazing cliffhanger. Crazy woman starts blog and has a mysterious past. Oooh I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

I have wanted to start this project for a while. I’ve been equal parts scared of putting myself out there and just plain life getting in my way. I initially wanted an outlet to get my thoughts out. To feel someone out there, anyone really, could hear me and I’d feel seen and heard. I needed that desperately. I mostly just wrote in a journal but I feel a bit stronger and a tad bit more brave. My guess is there are others like me out there that need an outlet. 

This blog is all about random thoughts, humorous observations, recovery, and lots of shit show topics that sometimes you just have to scream your favorite swear word of choice to get through the day, hour or minute. It’s ok. We are swearing with you. I’m not a professional writer and the grammar police will have a heyday with my writing style I’m sure. I’m just a lady who has gone through some shit and is ready to unpack it all and drink a glass of wine and laugh at funny things. It’s been a long time and I’m ready to get my life back.

Let’s Fucking Go!

Amy