Tag: Depression

Hello 2025.. Please don’t suck!
anxiety · Depression · Personal Stories

Hello 2025.. Please don’t suck!

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Happy New Year everyone!

Or if your not into the big grand celebrations..Happy I hope you deal with less crap than 2024 dished out.

It’s been far to long and I can explain..I really can!

So what had happened was..

Depression, anxiety, weight gain, health issues, losing a pet, not having a permanent place to live. If all these sound like excuses well I could only wish. If you have been following my story you have seen all these things go up and down like a damn roller coaster at Universal Studios. I have good and bad days but damn if 2024 didn’t thoroughly kick my expanded overweight booty.

No excuses.. just raw emotions here. I dropped the ball on so many things. I threw my hands up and said eff it. I hid in my bed, I refused to go anywhere because it just seemed like too much work and I pretty much gave up on everything. My work, relationship, friendships and everything I relied on suffered. It hasn’t been pretty my friends.

It’s always hard to accept when things are not good. It’s even harder to ask for help. Even worse to put it out there for the internet to see. From the beginning of this blog I always said I wasn’t going to sugar coat things. To be real and raw. To talk about things from my past and to help others if I can.

But how can I help others if I am a hot mess myself? Honestly I don’t know. All I can say is that it is too damn scary to do it alone. If you’re alone too just know there are a lot of us out here silently struggling and if I can just be there though the screen or in emails or on social media, I will be. You are not alone. I am not alone. We got this!

So what the heck has been going on? Why have I disappeared?

My depression and anxiety has been completely out of control. I am currently on meds but honestly I may need to have them adjusted. I take them regularly each morning but I still have an overly sense of dread most days. My self esteem has been so low that it’s actually painful thinking of having to get up and put on a brave face. I fake it the best I can but I just know I’m doing a poor job at it.

Nothing seems right. Nothing sparks joy or things I’ve loved now seem like a pain. The amount of anxiety I have over just doing basic things is unbearable. Having to get dressed, trying to look presentable, making sure my eyes are not as puffy from a night of crying. I have completely given up on my appearance, I am 199.98 pound. My 5’3 frame is screaming from the pain of the weight.

I always hear my abuser’s voice in my head during these times. After almost 6 years free..his words haunt me. You will never amount to anything. I wish you were dead, I hate you, your ugly, your worthless. In my darkest moments I believe him.

But then on my good days I see light. I see that I am away from being beaten, I have a job that pays well, I’m slowing digging my way out of all the debt I let myself slide into, and I am way better off than I was before. I have drive, I have ambition, I tell myself I can live the life I deserve. I’m worth it.

Until I’m not…

Until I make a mistake, until I can’t fit in my outfits, until I miss a goal I had for the day. I fall right back in line of hating myself again.

After a while the bad days were taking over the good days and I was less and less productive. If you have been following me you can absolutely see the drop off in posts. I completely gave up.

So here I am putting all my baggage out into the world again. Hoping by being out there and honest I can get that spark again. To see others like myself and know that I’m not perfect but a work in process. I have hope that with patience and hard work the negative will get the hell out of here and the girl I used to be before the trauma will come back. She was pretty cool!

So here’s to 2025! I am begging you to please be kind, to not suck, and to heal myself and others like me. Oh and if you are feeling generous you can throw some extra cash my way too. I’m not to the point of having to do a Squid games situation yet but I feel like I would be a prime candidate that the recruiter would go for!

How was 2024 for you all? Better or worse than the year before. Are you looking forward to anything in 2025?

Just know I’m back and here to talk it out as always,

Xoxo,

Amy

Abuse · Personal Stories

Why being alone in the car is the best thing ever!

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For me and maybe many of you there is just something so damn freeing about being in the car and driving. I feel safe and protected. Just me and the open road. No fighting, no yelling, just some quality me time and it’s fabulous. Hell, Id be happy just sitting in the driveway if it meant a little peace and quiet.

Most of you here know my past story about abuse. I was rarely allowed to do things on my own but when I got to get in the car and actually drive to do an errand or go somewhere he didn’t feel like going it was pure bliss. It was just me and my thoughts. I was in control and most of all I was free. Free of abuse, free of constant insults, and most free of whatever angry every he was putting out. No more walking on eggshells. It is just me myself and I.

Most trips I was allowed to take were small. To and from the grocery store, running to get dog food or going to the doctor after a fight and I just could stand the pain. I always wish it was longer trips or my stops were just a bit farther away. He kept me on the clock and if I was gone too long I would hear about.

There were so many times I was absolutely determined to just keep driving. To not ever get off on an exit sign. Straight road for days. No destination but getting as far away as possible. I would plan in my head how freeing it would be to have no plan but the road and how I would feel safer in my car no matter where it took me. I actually still feel this way 5 years later. Sometimes its as simple as just sitting still in the car will bring me back to dreaming of the open road.

On really cold days I would let my car warm up a bit longer just so I could stay in the car longer. On the hotter days I would jump in and let the heat wash over me like a hug and pretend I was on a tropical vacation.

I tried to run errands every chance I could just so I could get that quick little vacation fix. I craved it somedays. As excited as I was to get into the car the disappointment was just as great when he said he was coming with. I wanted to scream..”GET OUT, THIS IS MY TIME”

I’ve had some of my best thoughts in the car. Mapping out my life goals and how to get to them. Wild and outlandish business ideas were made and then I would laugh and think could I really get away with that?

My love of podcasts started in my car. I was pretty isolated from having social interactions with real humans and podcasts were a way of feeling like I had a friend there for me each day.

I will tell you my most memorable and life changing drive was when I drove from Illinois to Florida in February 2019. That was the day my life changed. I was driving away from the last 6 years of abuse. My freedom ride. I was scared but I could not stop smiling. Comparing myself to what a shelter dog must feel like breaking free from the kennel on his way to his new life. Each mile and state line I crossed I was giddy because it was one more state in between him and I. As the distance kept getting wider so did my smile.

It took me 3 days to drive. I started scared and alone, not knowing how I was going to make it with just what I had in my car. By the time I hit the half way point I had a plan on next steps once I arrived in Florida. By the 3rd and final day once I saw that Welcome to Florida sign I knew I was going to be ok. That cross country drive was just what I needed. No distractions, just me and my thoughts and nothing but time to get my life back. It was exactly what I had been dreaming of in my short car rides for 6 years. It was finally happening.

That drive will always mean so much to me. Seeing the change in myself mile after mile is something that helps me remember how strong I can be. It shows me that I CAN do it and I WILL BE OK. It may be bumpy and ugly at times but so can road contraction and regardless it will end.

Have you all taken any life changing road trips? How has it changed you? I’d love to hear about it.

XOXO,

Amy

WTF

Daylights Savings Time: How to survive it

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Hey all,

Can we chat about the crazy thing that happens twice a year that makes us cranky, moody and tired?

The time when EVERYONE gets to know how it feels to be US on a daily basis. Daylights Savings Time is not ever a surprise and we know it’s coming but damn if it doesn’t creep up and bite you in the ass at 4pm when all you want to do is go to sleep.

My thing is why does it actually make you so tired losing an hour when we all have had way less nights of sleep? This just seems worse and hard to adjust too right?

Right now I work in hospitality. In one week I could work every damn shift they offer so my sleep rhythms are already messed up. Not sure it that’s an advantage to brag about but I guess I’ll take every bit of help.

I know that losing/gaining an hour and having sunsets and sunrises mess with sleep schedules and they are the least of our world problems but studies have shown it does take a toll on the body. It science people!

Here are a few things I found about the effects it can take on this thing called Google:

  1. With Daylight Savings Time, between March and November, your body is exposed to less morning light and more evening light, which can throw off your circadian rhythm. When your internal clock is out of sync with the sun’s clock, you can feel tired in the morning and awake in the evening.

2. According to the American Heart Association, in addition to the fatigue, the transition can also affect your heart and brain. Hospital admissions for an irregular heartbeat pattern known as atrial fibrillation, as well as heart attacks and strokes, increase in the first few days of daylight saving time.

3. Losing an hour of afternoon daylight after setting the clocks back to standard time can trigger mental illness, including bipolar disorder, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression. A Danish study found an 11% increase in depression cases after the time change.

4. A 2020 study found fatal traffic accidents increased by 6% in the United States during daylight saving time.

Then I found this gem…

Strange as it may seem, Daylight Saving Time might mean you find yourself in more serious legal trouble. According to a 2016 study from the Association for Psychological Science, judges hand out harsher sentences the day after the DST switch.

So basically if you get arrested the judge is going to be cranky like the rest of us so your fate is in the hands of a sleep deprived, moody judge. Good luck folks:) It’s going to get crazy out there.

So what can we do to stay safe and avoid the next plot for a disaster movie? Here are a few that I do:

  1. Try and still get the same amount of sleep each and every night. I try and forget about what the clock says.I just need to know my body needs 6-7 hours of restful sleep. Try and get that the best you can. If you need to cancel plans just chill on the couch and go to bed accordingly.

2. Let the sunshine in and embrace it. If you have the Sunday off..get outside. Take a walk, be active, let that hot ball of fire get on your skin (with sunscreen of course) and know that the earth voodoo is helping sync your body into the new schedule.

3. If you do have to work the day after the change try and make it as light as you can. Some can, some can’t but either way be kind to your self. Drink water, have a zen moment in the bathroom if you need it. Today is not the day to tackle the worlds problems.

4. Take a nap. If you are truly going through it, it’s ok to take a short nap. Rest your eyes even. If you can just take 30 minutes to rest that short timeframe can boost you to get through the rest of the day. Anything longer may make you feel groggy.

Most people say it takes anywhere from 5-7 days to fully get into the new time change. So buckle up buttercup..we all know how to handle it but the rest of the “strong ones” it’s going to be a rough go for them.

So what do you think? Are you a fan or hate it or indifferent? I think it’s just the norm now and we all power though but do you think it’s a good idea to do away with it completely?

The big change happens Sunday March 10th at 2am. Make sure to set the clocks before bed and we will see on the flip side!

XOXO

Amy

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Personal Stories

5 things I do that is weird.

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So I’ve posted some extremely personal stories in the past. Some so raw I needed a minute after I hit that publish button. This one is still personal but I’m going to put my weirdness on blast and I guess that’s just as scary since I’ve never really talked about my quirks post Domestic Violence. 

A lot of my weirdness has come out of survival. Some I developed after the abuse, but all of these are for sure newish. A lot of them I think are based on control.

If you have been reading my story, I was controlled in every aspect of my life. The things I developed were my way of controlling just little things and it got me through. It was like taking the little things back.

But why do I still do it? I think it’s that phrase: if you do something repetitive for a while it just becomes second nature. I don’t have to do these things anymore but it’s just almost a comfort thing I guess.

My top 5 things I do that’s weird but comforting:)

  1. My daily bathroom routine.  

Each and everyday when I get ready I take EVERYTHING out I will use and line it up on the counter. Every face product, hair product, make up, brushes, oral care, lotions, EVERYTHING!!! The counter looks like I’m a hoarder and it’s covered with no space. It’s really ridiculous. Not to mention I bring all my underwear things, clothes, accessories and shoes in with me as well. I’m walking out of this bathroom 100% ready.

Getting fully ready meant I was alone longer in the bathroom. Alone time was my only time that I could breathe so more time was super important to me. 

Also I felt safer being naked and getting dressed behind a door. Wasn’t allowed to lock it but hearing the click of the door close completely was a huge sigh of relief.

With all the products out on the counter I could visually see what I had to do still. On days when I was in such bad shape every task felt like a mountain to climb. But if I put lotion on I put the bottle away. Brushed my teeth.. I put away the toothpaste, mouthwash and brush. After each task the counter got less cluttered and what I had left to do seemed less and less. It kept me going and taking one thing at a time. I was in control and I was getting shit done:)

I STILL do this today. It’s such a part of my daily routine that it would probably throw me off if I did it differently. I will always check bathroom counters for space potential in any new place I live:)

  1.  The Alphabet game

I have a weird habit of “finding” the alphabet when I get nervous or feel a panic attack coming on. It started when I was alone in a Dr office after being injured where I needed medical attention. I knew I was going to have to lie about what happened, but was so uncomfortable being there.

I started looking around the room and found a letter A on the wall. Then B then C. I just kept going to take my mind off everything. (J’s are always the hardest!!!) But I still do this everytime I’m in a room at the Dr. waiting.

I’ve also done it in while being in the bathroom when I’ve been so defeated and need an escape. The bathroom was always my place of safety so I did it to calm down. Finding the letters on shampoo bottles or body washes and face creams were easy.

3. Counting semi trucks

When I’m driving long distances I set a goal of how many Semi trucks I can find. Back in my relationship we would always travel long distances when we moved so often and I wasn’t allowed to talk in the car. To keep my mind from going crazy and keep me present I would count the semi’s.

I’d see when the next big city would be on the interstate and make a goal to see how many I could see before we get there. I don’t do this as often anymore but I still notice them all while driving. I just don’t keep track.

4. Worst case game

We may all have done this to some degree but I tend to do this a bit too much. Something will pop up that worries me and I will start thinking of all the possibilities of what could go wrong.

Something so simple as I have a headache will for sure lead to death in my mind. A check engine light will automatically leave me stranded on the road at night and I’ll get murdered by a random passerby. If I’m worried about a bill, I will become homeless living in my car. That’s if they don’t repo it. Then I’ll be living in a tent until someone steals that and then I’ll be out in the rain.

See what I mean? I can go on and on with so many levels. These days it’s more comedy relief but I still do it. Back in the day I would think worst case and try to make a plan for whatever could happen. It just gave me a little bit more of control.

5. On time like by an hour

This one is probably my most annoying one for the others in my life. I get huge anxiety about being late for anything. So much so I’ll leave almost 2 hours early just to be there an hour early to sit in the car.

If I’m alone it’s no big deal but if you can imagine how it goes with my current boyfriend you are probably just as annoyed as he gets. I’m always rushing and moving him along and then he gives me the look like “ITS 2 HOURS EARLY”.

Then we laugh and laugh. Just kidding. I’ll back off and slunk to the chair to wait, but internally I’m stressing we are going to be late.

The one time we cut it close because of traffic or who know what I’m extra validated in why we need to leave early. But that only happens like once out of hardly ever, but damn it if I don’t use it often. “Hey remember that time when…”

Well there I spilled all my dirty little quirks for the Internet to see.

We all have our things. If our things bring us comfort and not annoying anyone too bad get doing you boo boo!

I know I’m not alone in the weird category so if you dare share!!! I’d love to hear yours!

Xoxo

Personal Stories · Therapy

Therapy: Lay down and tell me what’s wrong.

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

Hey all,

By now you have read about my struggles with domestic violence, anxiety and depression. I’ll link them here if you wanted to catch up. A little light and fluffy ready for your Tuesday:)

Today I wanted to talk to you a little bit about therapy options. Aww therapy! I love you. I hate you. You make me feel better but you also make me cry in a ball on the floor.

Therapy is something I struggle with quite a bit. I am very eager to go. Staying consistent is the problem. I’m not ashamed of it. But somehow when I get there I clam up. I act like I have my shit together and I’m wasting both my time and my therapists.

I am the poster child for therapy. I have made first appointments and then cancelled. I have gone to therapist’s one time and after spilling my guts never gone back. I have called crisis 800 numbers but hung up before someone answered. I’m done some of the bigger online therapy apps. Texting someone all my biggest issues seemed less scary at first. I can honestly say I’ve done it all.

The most important thing is to try. Make the first step. Finding the right therapist is key and now with so many different platforms and groups you can totally find the right fit for you. It’s totally ok if you don’t like the first one you go to.

My very first therapist I went to after my abusive relationship basically told me if I was going to cry the whole session we would never get anywhere. WTF? I was so hurt by that comment and moved right along to the next one.

You need to feel comfortable. Things will get hard in there but starting in a safe space will make the hard conversations bit easier.

If your not ready for a one on one face to face there are a few other options for you. I’ve tried them all and you just need to find the one that makes the most sense.

Let me break down a a few for you.

In Person Therapy

Sometimes it’s easy easier to talk to someone in person. This is my preferred way. It’s seems more like a conversation and for me a bit easier to get my thoughts out. The main thing is for you to be comfortable in that setting and finding the right one you can open up to. I can tell you I’ve gone through a few that I knew right away it wasn’t going to be a good fit. Just whatever you do don’t feel like you have to stick with them if your not comfortable. They go through it a lot so no need to feel obligated.

Check with your health insurance provider first to see what is covered. If you need to find one in your network you can easily search on your plan’s website to find locals near you. Another option is to use the site goodtherapy.org. You can put in your zip code and it will pull up everyone close by you. You can also get specific on what type of therapist you would like from family, relationships, anxiety and depression. Do some digging and try and match the best you can and if it doesn’t work out on to the next one.

Online/App

Two of the bigger companies out there are Talkspace and Betterhelp. These online platforms are great for people who get really nervous or are new to therapy. You can send text messages, live chat, video chat or call. It’s a great way to test the waters and see how you feel.

While normally in person visits could cost $150-$200 per session, online can cost you that per month. It’s a great way to get the help you need if you are on a budget. Both companies have top notch therapists and are backed by many organizations in the health care field. Play around on both websites and see what you think about it. This is also a great option if you have a hard time taking off work for appointments. Texting throughout the day might be way easier for you.

Group Therapy

This one took me a bit to come around too but I actually like it the most now. Something about sitting in a group with people that are going through the same type of struggle you are is somewhat soothing.I feel less alone.

It’s one thing to have close friends say they understand but these women REALLY understand. You never have to sugarcoat what happened because they lived it too. I found myself watering down what happened when I had to tell my friends for the first time.

It was completely weird the first time and it’s EXACTLY like what you see on TV. Hi! My name is Amy and I …Blah Blah blah. But it really has been the best experience. And best of all most of the groups are FREE!!!!

These top 3 options are a good start but what if you are struggling financially? Let’s talk a bit about payment options.

When I was free of my abuser I had nothing left to my name. Like 20 dollars at that’s it. But there are things you can do. I just mentioned the group therapy option. These can be run by non profit groups or churches. I found mine through a domestic violence shelter. Some shelters or non profits can actually run their own groups. Please use them as a resource. They are truly there to help you. They expect you to ask for help and that is why they are there.

The other option is if you find an in person therapist you like ask them if they can work on a sliding scale. They of course need to be paid for the help they offer but some really do understand the need for therapy and the struggle it can be to pay for it and they can work with you. I think my very first therapist was right out of college and we BOTH were living off of Ramen noodles. I paid this saint of a woman 50 bucks each time.

If you are a student check with your student health center. They may offer free or discounted resources. Just don’t be afraid to ask for help. That’s what they are there for.

The last option could be to check out a few of the federally funded health centers in your area. They also can offer free or low cost mental health options. Some even have grants that allow you to apply for funds to apply to any health care professional. You can keep your pay per hour therapist but they will give you some cash to help pay for it.

If you are overwhelmed and are having a rough patch and just need someone RIGHT NOW..please utilize the 1-800 numbers and websites below. They are crisis lines and they are trained to get you the help you need ASAP.

Here are a few I have used and others I recommend.

Someone is available to help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-8255

Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio
(888) 628-9454

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Options for Deaf and Hard of Hearing)
For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741

National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-7233

Veterans Crisis Line
(800) 273-8255, PRESS 1
Text 838255
Chat online

National Grad Crisis Line
(877) 472-3457

National Sexual Assault Hotline
(800) 656-4673

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
(800) 422-4453

CDC National HIV and AIDS Hotline
(800) 232-4636

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline
(800) 662-4357

If you need help please reach out to any one of these options…Hell, reach out to me if you need to. Just remember you are never alone.

XOXO

Amy