Tag: anxiety

anxiety · Personal Stories

My Latest Panic Attack: Public Bathroom Edition

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Hey all,

So today I want to talk about panic attacks. Like out of nowhere slap you in the face, knock you on your ass panic attacks. I had a doozy a few days ago. Epic! Let me set scene..

I’m at work minding my own damn business. I start to get really hot and feel woozy. My chest is starting to tighten up and my breaths become short. My legs turn to what I like to call “jelly legs” they are someone solid, keeping me upright but feel wiggly and unstable. My “oh shit” meter is going off and I know I’m about to go to a place I don’t want to be.

This time I actually got myself into the bathroom. My work bathrooms are the best because they are full brick stalls and full heavy doors. For anyone that appreciates privacy you totally get what I mean. Not those cheap ass stalls you see with gaps. If I can see you, you can for sure see me. When your about to freak out in public..this my friends is like the Four Seasons of bathrooms.

I get inside and the tears immediately begin to flow. I go basically limp while sitting on the toilet. I would have dropped to the floor if I was at home but even though it’s super clean its STILL a public bathroom. Wave after wave to sheer terror wash over me.

If I’m being completely honest most times when I get these I don’t really know what it is that’s bothering me. Just something is not right and then I panic about it. Super frustrating which then makes it so much worse. This time it was so clear and completely random.

My main concern was that my boyfriend was going to die someday. Like it could be today or it could be 50 years from now. Who the hell knows but the only thing I’m focusing on is him dying and what the fuck am I going to do when he does. How does it happen? Will I be there when it does? What if I can’t save him or I panic and ruin any chance of survival. I’m completely irrational at this point. Crying and trying to control my breathing. Trying to control myself by thinking that it’s going to be ok any he’s fine. I’m fine, we are both effing fine and to just stop this . Again I’m completely irrational at this point so you know what I did…?

I had another fucking thought pop up in my head mid attack. So not only do I think my boyfriend is dying but why not think about someone coming to steal my dogs at the same time. WTF?!?!

I have a pretty high profile breed that people have been stealing to get a ransom from the owner or to resell. We all remember Lady Gaga’s dog walker getting shot right? Well my brain took me to a place where my babies are going to get dognapped and I will never see them again. I will get attacked and have to live with the pain and guilt for not saving my babies.

Layers after layer of panic, terror, shame, guilt wash over me. Horrible thought after horrible though keep coming. I think I threw up at one point. There was a lot going on my friends.

At some point I’m starting to realize how long I’ve been hiding in the bathroom and really need to get it together. My two totally random issues collided in a huge way and not in the nicest of ways. It was probably only 10 minutes but it felt like hours with the added stress of being at work.

I’m super hard on myself sometimes and tend to say some not so nice things about what I’m doing. “Get it together” “Just stop” ” Your being ridiculous” They are not really helpful at all. I’m a work in progress too people..I try and help others with tips and tricks to ease the pain and fear..but I still struggle right along with ya’ll. Please if you can remember to be patient with yourself. This is happening only for a little bit and you can do hard things. It will pass and you can tackle the problem when your calm. Lean into the feeling. Acknowledge it and tell yourself you will work on it.

I posted about my panic attacks before here along with my helpful tips on how I can slowly recover from them. Like I said..it does help but sometimes you just have a bad one and it all goes out the window. It’s ok.

One or all may work for you or none whatsoever. There is never a right or wrong way to handle them. It’s just a matter of finding what can get you through in the best way for you.

I always feel a little weird talking about mine because I’m writing this with a safe and calm mind at the moment. Looking back it’s still seems so irrational.

Thanks for being here as always and let’s all try to be kind to each other this week.

XOXO,

Amy

Abuse · Personal Stories

Why being alone in the car is the best thing ever!

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For me and maybe many of you there is just something so damn freeing about being in the car and driving. I feel safe and protected. Just me and the open road. No fighting, no yelling, just some quality me time and it’s fabulous. Hell, Id be happy just sitting in the driveway if it meant a little peace and quiet.

Most of you here know my past story about abuse. I was rarely allowed to do things on my own but when I got to get in the car and actually drive to do an errand or go somewhere he didn’t feel like going it was pure bliss. It was just me and my thoughts. I was in control and most of all I was free. Free of abuse, free of constant insults, and most free of whatever angry every he was putting out. No more walking on eggshells. It is just me myself and I.

Most trips I was allowed to take were small. To and from the grocery store, running to get dog food or going to the doctor after a fight and I just could stand the pain. I always wish it was longer trips or my stops were just a bit farther away. He kept me on the clock and if I was gone too long I would hear about.

There were so many times I was absolutely determined to just keep driving. To not ever get off on an exit sign. Straight road for days. No destination but getting as far away as possible. I would plan in my head how freeing it would be to have no plan but the road and how I would feel safer in my car no matter where it took me. I actually still feel this way 5 years later. Sometimes its as simple as just sitting still in the car will bring me back to dreaming of the open road.

On really cold days I would let my car warm up a bit longer just so I could stay in the car longer. On the hotter days I would jump in and let the heat wash over me like a hug and pretend I was on a tropical vacation.

I tried to run errands every chance I could just so I could get that quick little vacation fix. I craved it somedays. As excited as I was to get into the car the disappointment was just as great when he said he was coming with. I wanted to scream..”GET OUT, THIS IS MY TIME”

I’ve had some of my best thoughts in the car. Mapping out my life goals and how to get to them. Wild and outlandish business ideas were made and then I would laugh and think could I really get away with that?

My love of podcasts started in my car. I was pretty isolated from having social interactions with real humans and podcasts were a way of feeling like I had a friend there for me each day.

I will tell you my most memorable and life changing drive was when I drove from Illinois to Florida in February 2019. That was the day my life changed. I was driving away from the last 6 years of abuse. My freedom ride. I was scared but I could not stop smiling. Comparing myself to what a shelter dog must feel like breaking free from the kennel on his way to his new life. Each mile and state line I crossed I was giddy because it was one more state in between him and I. As the distance kept getting wider so did my smile.

It took me 3 days to drive. I started scared and alone, not knowing how I was going to make it with just what I had in my car. By the time I hit the half way point I had a plan on next steps once I arrived in Florida. By the 3rd and final day once I saw that Welcome to Florida sign I knew I was going to be ok. That cross country drive was just what I needed. No distractions, just me and my thoughts and nothing but time to get my life back. It was exactly what I had been dreaming of in my short car rides for 6 years. It was finally happening.

That drive will always mean so much to me. Seeing the change in myself mile after mile is something that helps me remember how strong I can be. It shows me that I CAN do it and I WILL BE OK. It may be bumpy and ugly at times but so can road contraction and regardless it will end.

Have you all taken any life changing road trips? How has it changed you? I’d love to hear about it.

XOXO,

Amy

WTF

Daylights Savings Time: How to survive it

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Hey all,

Can we chat about the crazy thing that happens twice a year that makes us cranky, moody and tired?

The time when EVERYONE gets to know how it feels to be US on a daily basis. Daylights Savings Time is not ever a surprise and we know it’s coming but damn if it doesn’t creep up and bite you in the ass at 4pm when all you want to do is go to sleep.

My thing is why does it actually make you so tired losing an hour when we all have had way less nights of sleep? This just seems worse and hard to adjust too right?

Right now I work in hospitality. In one week I could work every damn shift they offer so my sleep rhythms are already messed up. Not sure it that’s an advantage to brag about but I guess I’ll take every bit of help.

I know that losing/gaining an hour and having sunsets and sunrises mess with sleep schedules and they are the least of our world problems but studies have shown it does take a toll on the body. It science people!

Here are a few things I found about the effects it can take on this thing called Google:

  1. With Daylight Savings Time, between March and November, your body is exposed to less morning light and more evening light, which can throw off your circadian rhythm. When your internal clock is out of sync with the sun’s clock, you can feel tired in the morning and awake in the evening.

2. According to the American Heart Association, in addition to the fatigue, the transition can also affect your heart and brain. Hospital admissions for an irregular heartbeat pattern known as atrial fibrillation, as well as heart attacks and strokes, increase in the first few days of daylight saving time.

3. Losing an hour of afternoon daylight after setting the clocks back to standard time can trigger mental illness, including bipolar disorder, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), also known as winter depression. A Danish study found an 11% increase in depression cases after the time change.

4. A 2020 study found fatal traffic accidents increased by 6% in the United States during daylight saving time.

Then I found this gem…

Strange as it may seem, Daylight Saving Time might mean you find yourself in more serious legal trouble. According to a 2016 study from the Association for Psychological Science, judges hand out harsher sentences the day after the DST switch.

So basically if you get arrested the judge is going to be cranky like the rest of us so your fate is in the hands of a sleep deprived, moody judge. Good luck folks:) It’s going to get crazy out there.

So what can we do to stay safe and avoid the next plot for a disaster movie? Here are a few that I do:

  1. Try and still get the same amount of sleep each and every night. I try and forget about what the clock says.I just need to know my body needs 6-7 hours of restful sleep. Try and get that the best you can. If you need to cancel plans just chill on the couch and go to bed accordingly.

2. Let the sunshine in and embrace it. If you have the Sunday off..get outside. Take a walk, be active, let that hot ball of fire get on your skin (with sunscreen of course) and know that the earth voodoo is helping sync your body into the new schedule.

3. If you do have to work the day after the change try and make it as light as you can. Some can, some can’t but either way be kind to your self. Drink water, have a zen moment in the bathroom if you need it. Today is not the day to tackle the worlds problems.

4. Take a nap. If you are truly going through it, it’s ok to take a short nap. Rest your eyes even. If you can just take 30 minutes to rest that short timeframe can boost you to get through the rest of the day. Anything longer may make you feel groggy.

Most people say it takes anywhere from 5-7 days to fully get into the new time change. So buckle up buttercup..we all know how to handle it but the rest of the “strong ones” it’s going to be a rough go for them.

So what do you think? Are you a fan or hate it or indifferent? I think it’s just the norm now and we all power though but do you think it’s a good idea to do away with it completely?

The big change happens Sunday March 10th at 2am. Make sure to set the clocks before bed and we will see on the flip side!

XOXO

Amy

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Abuse · Personal Stories · Relationships

The dreaded silent treatment and what to do about it.

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I have been through this so many times that I can’t even tell you a number. And each and every time it hurts like hell. When I was going through it I always felt like I was invisible, insignificant and not worth much. Why wasn’t he speaking to me and trying to work this out? Why does he shut down and ignore? Doesn’t he see how much this hurts and it’s making me go to places in my brain I do not want to go.

Well…

They do know. They are trying to hurt you and yes, they are trying to make you slowly go crazy. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and it’s a way for the abuser to control you.

How many times have you felt the need to apologize just to keep the peace? They flew off the handle, but you’re the one being punished. You feel like you have to apologize to make them feel better knowing damn well you did nothing wrong. I am realistic here and let’s just say you did make a little mistake you should be able to talk about it in that moment and it should be ok. Sincerely apologize and keep it moving. That’s how it should work.

When you are in a toxic relationship this could be a daily or weekly occurrence. You start to question if you really ARE the problem. What is so wrong with you that you make him so mad all the time?

The answer is nothing. Every couple will fight…it’s going to happen but how you treat each other in that moment is what will make or break a relationship. Being heated and maybe saying something you shouldn’t happens. We are human, that’s normal, but saying something hurtful to your partner then shutting down and ghosting you is not.

So what is the Silent Treatment and what can you do to help your mental health while going through it.

The silent treatment is when your partner, parent or friend is hearing what you say, write, text and they purposely ignore. It’s a control tactic they put in place to make YOU the one that is struggling with the silence. I will talk about gaslighting in a future post but this is a form as well.

They want YOU to be the one that is the problem and they want YOU to know that they are not happy. They want YOU to be the one groveling back and saying sorry first. To admit YOU messed up. To beg them for forgiveness. It’s all about having the upper hand and making your point of view and feelings pushed back and non existent. YOU are the one suffering while they sit back and what you implode.

Some woman I talk to will not think of the silent treat as abuse. They say they are not getting hit or they are not being yelled at and called names..it’s just silence. I completely understand there are levels to things. Each of us has a story for sure we could tell. But what the silent treatment actually does to your mind and body is 100% real. You may not have a bruise or a screaming partner in your face but you do actually have long term effects from it.

So what does it actually do to you while you are going through it? Well some studies have actually shown that the silent treatment triggers the brain as it would if you are being physically hurt.

A study at Perdue University shows that the silent treatment triggers the anterior cingulate cortex which is the same area in the brain that triggers physical pain. 1400 participants in the study also showed extreme bouts of panic/anxiety attacks, depression, erectile disfunction and bowl issues.

Different levels of emotional stress could lead to more serious health risks, such as eating disorders, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, blood clots and cancer. Just because they are not laying hands on you this is STILL a form of abuse and should be taken vary seriously.

I have totally been there. When it first started happening it would consume every inch of me. If they were in the house I would talk, cry, have panic attacks and feeling so low about myself that going to a dark place was easy. I just wanted the pain to stop. I would always say I would rather have them yell at me because at least I was being seen and acknowledged. Sometimes I even thought that I’d rather get punched because the physical pain subsided easier than the emotional. Crazy to think I was trying to choose between which abuse I wanted.

If they left the house or not around me I would rapid fire texts telling them how I feel, how bad it hurts and I’m so sorry I hurt you and please forgive me and blah, blah, blah. Why the fuck am I apologizing when they were the ones inflicting pain. I always did it though. I was desperate to be seen. To be heard. To be acknowledged, and understood.

The more he did it the crazier I would become. I was playing right in to what he was telling me. Your too emotional, Why are you so crazy?, You are the reason why I need to leave he would say. Was I? I was crying a lot, having panic attacks, am I the cause of all this? I would tell myself awful things and start to believe I really was the problem.

So what are things you can do to power though the silent treatment and remain calm as to not damage your body and self worth.

Make sure you know for sure if it truly is the silent treatment. Some people really do need a cooling off period.Most rational and an effective form of communication would be to say ” I need a break from this but we can talk about it later” This shows that they really do care about the topic..but maybe they just need time to collect their thoughts, calm down and come back to resolve the issue TOGETHER.

This is easier said than done but at least try to gather your thoughts before the full on texts come out.

Calmly state your feelings verbally or in writing. Let them know that the silent treatment is hurtful and draining. Let them know how you’re feeling. Make sure he knows what his silence is doing to you and how it’s effecting you mentally and physically. If you feel strong enough you can stand up and let him know you will not tolerate this behavior. Please only do this if you feel safe. Please only do this one time. This is what they want is to hurt you. Be clear. state the facts, and then take a breathe.

Step back and control the urge to keep talking. As much as you want to keep talking it’s best to fall back a bit. If you calmly expressed how you feel and they still did not respond then you need to let them be. Even though they are not responding they ARE seeing your messages and with every crazy text it just makes them feel more in control. They know you are hurting and that’s exactly what they wanted. If you say your peace and then stop you are not giving them the satisfaction of watching or hearing you break down.

Put your mental state first. You need to take care of you during this time. You may be crying or going crazy on the inside but please try and remember your self worth. You do not deserve this and the only person that will take care of you is you. Take a shower or bath, go for a walk, work on something you can’t do much of because of your partner. What brings you joy and a distraction? I personally take a hot shower. I allow myself to cry a little bit alone and then I try and tell myself all the things I do well. Give yourself a pep talk. You ARE worth it.

I know not everyone has the same situations. I’m fully aware the consiqences that some of these can bring. First and foremost I want you to be safe. If you really can’t express the hurt and pain it causes you then it’s best not to say anything. Meanwhile use that time to work out a plan in your head on how to get out. When I was at the worst point with my ex I would use the shower as an escape to be alone with my thoughts. I could never tell him how I felt because it would end badly but he could never take my internal thoughts away from me.

Bottom line is that the silent treatment is NEVER ok. If you have a mutual respect for each other it should be ok to talk things out opening. You should never feel like your being punished. That your words do not matter. Cooling off is fine as long as there is a time you can talk later. I know it’s so hard to process when you are left with nothing and no idea when it will end..just know you deserve better and deserve a partner that will always listen to you if it’s good or bad.

CONFESSION:

Wow! After writing this I can feel the anger and hurt I still have when I think about it, I’m 5 years removed and sometimes a trigger can set me back a little bit but it’s all about a process and everyone is different. It’s good to be open and honest with yourself about how your feeling about certain things. My truth is that this set me off a little bit. I can sense it in my writing and how I said things. I can feel the panic and pain I had during those times. Time to take a shower and have a little me time with my thoughts.

That’s all for now.

XOXO

Amy

Personal Stories · Relationships

Jumping to Conclusions and Thinking the Worst

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If thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions were an Olympic sport I WOULD DOMINATE on a global scale. It’s my go too, my wheelhouse, my comfort zone. Is it wrong? Hell yes it’s wrong..but can I stop? No way.

I always joke that I can go from sniffles to death on a simple google search. I can take a minor thing like not texting back right away to them being mad and hating me. If my boss asks to chat with me quick I automatically think I’m getting fired.

Just yesterday I picked up my guy at the airport. I typically get out of the drivers side to go to the passenger side so he can drive. After I pop the truck and get out so he can put his bags in the back we typically meet in the middle somewhere while I am going around and hug and kiss as a welcome home I love and miss you gesture. This time he walked right into the car and buckled up. No kiss, no hug NOTHING. I of course think the worst. OMG he is mad, he hates me, he’s going to break up with me in the car, He’s got bad news…blah blah blah.

I run through EVERYTHING before I even get in the passengers seat. He then has the nerve to ask ME what’s wrong? HAHAHAHA! I confessed I was panicing and he admits he was just focused to get in the car since we were blocking lane. Nothing more. He immediately calms my fears and we go about our day like nothing ever happened.

I’m highly aware how exhausting I must be, always having to reassure me the sky is not falling. I really do try and let things play out without a freak-out but if my anxiety is already at a high level there is no stopping the panic. It’s game on!

But why do I do this? Therapists have said it’s because I have had a lot of loss and trauma in my life. I guess I need to make sure nothing else happens. Also because of my past abuse I always think I’m in trouble or in the wrong so I need to hurry up and figure out what’s happening so I can brace for impact of bad things. I try and fix it right away. It’s all I can focus on. Meanwhile the other person simply forgot to text back. It probably is just a small cold and not a life treating injury or in my guys case just wanted to get in the car.

So what can we do to try and stop the spiral? Here are the things that I do. It’s still a work in progress obviously but I do try and practice these steps.

  1. Stop Time Traveling– Most of the thoughts I have would be happening in the future. The what if’s. What if I fail? What if he’s going to be mad? What if I see a pretty cloud and am looking up and then get hit by a huge bus and DIE? If we take a minute to think in the present. We can maybe slow our roll. Maybe look at the clouds AND check traffic. Maybe wait and see if he or she is actually mad before you keep pestering them by asking IF they are mad. Fun Fact: It will probably make them mad if you keep asking.

2. Play out the worst case- So if you must go down the dark path of what if’s.. Then let’s go there. What if you fail? Ok we fail. Do we try again, move on or work harder and figure out what went wrong.

What if he’s mad? Ok he’s PISSED. What can we do to make it better? Let’s apologize and figure out where we went wrong so it’s not an issue moving forward.

If we are looking at clouds and get hit by a bus. Maybe we get everything in a secure place for our loved ones. Let’s not take the day for granted. Let’s always put our best foot forward and live for the moment. Unless that one foot is the foot that get’s you hit by a bus:)

By playing it out you take back a little control and will know exactly what to do if the worst does come. You can totally let out a I TOLD YOU SO as well if it makes you happy.

3. Play out the best case- It’s the same game as above but with the better outcome. Again either way you are going to be in control with whatever way it pans out. If we fail what can I do better next time? If he’s mad, it’s good that the can communicate that to you. Talk about it calmly and thank them for being honest. Hit by a bus? Well that outcome is pretty dark no matter what..but you COULD totally survive the bus attack and then advocate for better crosswalks and pedestrian safety.

4. Would you say this out loud? The example with the sniffles turning into a rare illness that will kill you in 6 months. Would you actually tell someone that? Out loud?

With things that can be a little out there I always ask myself that question to see if I’m willing to share my paranoia with others. If it’s my guy I’m more prone to blurt it out since he knows how my head works. If it’s a co worker and telling them my sniffles is going to kill me in 6 months so I’m gifting you my stapler is a bit harder. If it’s hard to say to other people, maybe take a step back and think to yourself, am I making this a HUGE deal when it’s in the nothing stage yet?

5. Journal- Sometimes all the steps above are no match for anxiety. I have found that journaling or writing down the fears can have a positive impact. I play the best/worst case on paper so I can see just how outrageous it can be when I read it back. This blog is a bit of a helpful tool for me as well. I know if I write it down others can read. It’s a gut check sometimes.

Everyone is different on how they handle things. Some people are full on jumpers like me and others it’s just a quick thought and then they move on. Wherever you land on the scale just know that we all have moments like this. It’s just how you handle them that makes a difference.

The one thing I found that can help is once I play out the worst case, I can typically laugh at it. It’s a funny now and not at the time type of thing.

I thought we could all share (if you’re comfortable) our funniest worst case/ jumping to conclusions moments.

Here’s mine:

I dated a man that lived out of town and when he would come stay with me he always brought a little duffle bag with him for the weekend. One weekend he came and he had a lock on the bag. I’m not one to really go through peoples stuff but I was so worried why all of a sudden he had a lock on the bag.

Why? What the eff was in there? Why now? Why can’t you be open and honest with me? Are there murder supplies like a knife and a tarp to hide my body? My thoughts got to the point where I finally had to confront my future murderer.

He then opened the lock to the bag and pulled out a fancy little box and presented me with my DAMN BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Yes folks, I confronted him on my birthday. He put the lock on it because he wanted the gift to be secure while he was traveling. UGH. I’m an idiot.

Ok your next. What have you done when you should of just slowed down and walked through everything?

XOXO

Amy