Tag: anxiety

Personal Stories

5 things I do that is weird.

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

So I’ve posted some extremely personal stories in the past. Some so raw I needed a minute after I hit that publish button. This one is still personal but I’m going to put my weirdness on blast and I guess that’s just as scary since I’ve never really talked about my quirks post Domestic Violence. 

A lot of my weirdness has come out of survival. Some I developed after the abuse, but all of these are for sure newish. A lot of them I think are based on control.

If you have been reading my story, I was controlled in every aspect of my life. The things I developed were my way of controlling just little things and it got me through. It was like taking the little things back.

But why do I still do it? I think it’s that phrase: if you do something repetitive for a while it just becomes second nature. I don’t have to do these things anymore but it’s just almost a comfort thing I guess.

My top 5 things I do that’s weird but comforting:)

  1. My daily bathroom routine.  

Each and everyday when I get ready I take EVERYTHING out I will use and line it up on the counter. Every face product, hair product, make up, brushes, oral care, lotions, EVERYTHING!!! The counter looks like I’m a hoarder and it’s covered with no space. It’s really ridiculous. Not to mention I bring all my underwear things, clothes, accessories and shoes in with me as well. I’m walking out of this bathroom 100% ready.

Getting fully ready meant I was alone longer in the bathroom. Alone time was my only time that I could breathe so more time was super important to me. 

Also I felt safer being naked and getting dressed behind a door. Wasn’t allowed to lock it but hearing the click of the door close completely was a huge sigh of relief.

With all the products out on the counter I could visually see what I had to do still. On days when I was in such bad shape every task felt like a mountain to climb. But if I put lotion on I put the bottle away. Brushed my teeth.. I put away the toothpaste, mouthwash and brush. After each task the counter got less cluttered and what I had left to do seemed less and less. It kept me going and taking one thing at a time. I was in control and I was getting shit done:)

I STILL do this today. It’s such a part of my daily routine that it would probably throw me off if I did it differently. I will always check bathroom counters for space potential in any new place I live:)

  1.  The Alphabet game

I have a weird habit of “finding” the alphabet when I get nervous or feel a panic attack coming on. It started when I was alone in a Dr office after being injured where I needed medical attention. I knew I was going to have to lie about what happened, but was so uncomfortable being there.

I started looking around the room and found a letter A on the wall. Then B then C. I just kept going to take my mind off everything. (J’s are always the hardest!!!) But I still do this everytime I’m in a room at the Dr. waiting.

I’ve also done it in while being in the bathroom when I’ve been so defeated and need an escape. The bathroom was always my place of safety so I did it to calm down. Finding the letters on shampoo bottles or body washes and face creams were easy.

3. Counting semi trucks

When I’m driving long distances I set a goal of how many Semi trucks I can find. Back in my relationship we would always travel long distances when we moved so often and I wasn’t allowed to talk in the car. To keep my mind from going crazy and keep me present I would count the semi’s.

I’d see when the next big city would be on the interstate and make a goal to see how many I could see before we get there. I don’t do this as often anymore but I still notice them all while driving. I just don’t keep track.

4. Worst case game

We may all have done this to some degree but I tend to do this a bit too much. Something will pop up that worries me and I will start thinking of all the possibilities of what could go wrong.

Something so simple as I have a headache will for sure lead to death in my mind. A check engine light will automatically leave me stranded on the road at night and I’ll get murdered by a random passerby. If I’m worried about a bill, I will become homeless living in my car. That’s if they don’t repo it. Then I’ll be living in a tent until someone steals that and then I’ll be out in the rain.

See what I mean? I can go on and on with so many levels. These days it’s more comedy relief but I still do it. Back in the day I would think worst case and try to make a plan for whatever could happen. It just gave me a little bit more of control.

5. On time like by an hour

This one is probably my most annoying one for the others in my life. I get huge anxiety about being late for anything. So much so I’ll leave almost 2 hours early just to be there an hour early to sit in the car.

If I’m alone it’s no big deal but if you can imagine how it goes with my current boyfriend you are probably just as annoyed as he gets. I’m always rushing and moving him along and then he gives me the look like “ITS 2 HOURS EARLY”.

Then we laugh and laugh. Just kidding. I’ll back off and slunk to the chair to wait, but internally I’m stressing we are going to be late.

The one time we cut it close because of traffic or who know what I’m extra validated in why we need to leave early. But that only happens like once out of hardly ever, but damn it if I don’t use it often. “Hey remember that time when…”

Well there I spilled all my dirty little quirks for the Internet to see.

We all have our things. If our things bring us comfort and not annoying anyone too bad get doing you boo boo!

I know I’m not alone in the weird category so if you dare share!!! I’d love to hear yours!

Xoxo

Personal Stories · Therapy

Therapy: Lay down and tell me what’s wrong.

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

Hey all,

By now you have read about my struggles with domestic violence, anxiety and depression. I’ll link them here if you wanted to catch up. A little light and fluffy ready for your Tuesday:)

Today I wanted to talk to you a little bit about therapy options. Aww therapy! I love you. I hate you. You make me feel better but you also make me cry in a ball on the floor.

Therapy is something I struggle with quite a bit. I am very eager to go. Staying consistent is the problem. I’m not ashamed of it. But somehow when I get there I clam up. I act like I have my shit together and I’m wasting both my time and my therapists.

I am the poster child for therapy. I have made first appointments and then cancelled. I have gone to therapist’s one time and after spilling my guts never gone back. I have called crisis 800 numbers but hung up before someone answered. I’m done some of the bigger online therapy apps. Texting someone all my biggest issues seemed less scary at first. I can honestly say I’ve done it all.

The most important thing is to try. Make the first step. Finding the right therapist is key and now with so many different platforms and groups you can totally find the right fit for you. It’s totally ok if you don’t like the first one you go to.

My very first therapist I went to after my abusive relationship basically told me if I was going to cry the whole session we would never get anywhere. WTF? I was so hurt by that comment and moved right along to the next one.

You need to feel comfortable. Things will get hard in there but starting in a safe space will make the hard conversations bit easier.

If your not ready for a one on one face to face there are a few other options for you. I’ve tried them all and you just need to find the one that makes the most sense.

Let me break down a a few for you.

In Person Therapy

Sometimes it’s easy easier to talk to someone in person. This is my preferred way. It’s seems more like a conversation and for me a bit easier to get my thoughts out. The main thing is for you to be comfortable in that setting and finding the right one you can open up to. I can tell you I’ve gone through a few that I knew right away it wasn’t going to be a good fit. Just whatever you do don’t feel like you have to stick with them if your not comfortable. They go through it a lot so no need to feel obligated.

Check with your health insurance provider first to see what is covered. If you need to find one in your network you can easily search on your plan’s website to find locals near you. Another option is to use the site goodtherapy.org. You can put in your zip code and it will pull up everyone close by you. You can also get specific on what type of therapist you would like from family, relationships, anxiety and depression. Do some digging and try and match the best you can and if it doesn’t work out on to the next one.

Online/App

Two of the bigger companies out there are Talkspace and Betterhelp. These online platforms are great for people who get really nervous or are new to therapy. You can send text messages, live chat, video chat or call. It’s a great way to test the waters and see how you feel.

While normally in person visits could cost $150-$200 per session, online can cost you that per month. It’s a great way to get the help you need if you are on a budget. Both companies have top notch therapists and are backed by many organizations in the health care field. Play around on both websites and see what you think about it. This is also a great option if you have a hard time taking off work for appointments. Texting throughout the day might be way easier for you.

Group Therapy

This one took me a bit to come around too but I actually like it the most now. Something about sitting in a group with people that are going through the same type of struggle you are is somewhat soothing.I feel less alone.

It’s one thing to have close friends say they understand but these women REALLY understand. You never have to sugarcoat what happened because they lived it too. I found myself watering down what happened when I had to tell my friends for the first time.

It was completely weird the first time and it’s EXACTLY like what you see on TV. Hi! My name is Amy and I …Blah Blah blah. But it really has been the best experience. And best of all most of the groups are FREE!!!!

These top 3 options are a good start but what if you are struggling financially? Let’s talk a bit about payment options.

When I was free of my abuser I had nothing left to my name. Like 20 dollars at that’s it. But there are things you can do. I just mentioned the group therapy option. These can be run by non profit groups or churches. I found mine through a domestic violence shelter. Some shelters or non profits can actually run their own groups. Please use them as a resource. They are truly there to help you. They expect you to ask for help and that is why they are there.

The other option is if you find an in person therapist you like ask them if they can work on a sliding scale. They of course need to be paid for the help they offer but some really do understand the need for therapy and the struggle it can be to pay for it and they can work with you. I think my very first therapist was right out of college and we BOTH were living off of Ramen noodles. I paid this saint of a woman 50 bucks each time.

If you are a student check with your student health center. They may offer free or discounted resources. Just don’t be afraid to ask for help. That’s what they are there for.

The last option could be to check out a few of the federally funded health centers in your area. They also can offer free or low cost mental health options. Some even have grants that allow you to apply for funds to apply to any health care professional. You can keep your pay per hour therapist but they will give you some cash to help pay for it.

If you are overwhelmed and are having a rough patch and just need someone RIGHT NOW..please utilize the 1-800 numbers and websites below. They are crisis lines and they are trained to get you the help you need ASAP.

Here are a few I have used and others I recommend.

Someone is available to help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-8255

Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio
(888) 628-9454

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Options for Deaf and Hard of Hearing)
For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741

National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-7233

Veterans Crisis Line
(800) 273-8255, PRESS 1
Text 838255
Chat online

National Grad Crisis Line
(877) 472-3457

National Sexual Assault Hotline
(800) 656-4673

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
(800) 422-4453

CDC National HIV and AIDS Hotline
(800) 232-4636

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline
(800) 662-4357

If you need help please reach out to any one of these options…Hell, reach out to me if you need to. Just remember you are never alone.

XOXO

Amy

Depression · Personal Stories

Real Life Tips On Managing Depression

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

 Whew! After last weeks post about my panic attacks, I had to mentally prepare for this one too. It’s always been super hard for me to open up about non pleasant things that go on in my day to day. It was a HUGE step to hit the publish button and when I did I freaked out but then oddly a wave of comfort hit me. Knowing my truth was out there was kind of a cool relief. Keeping things in for so long it was like a pressure that was released. I have so many more issues so hold on tight..the seas will be choppy.

Last week I talked about having panic attacks for over 20 years. How they feel and what I do to try and work through them. If you want to catch up you can here..

Today I want to chat about it’s partner in crime..Depression.

My guess is my depression started way before the panic attacks decided to settle in. I can remember in High School having bouts of just absolute dread. Up until a few years ago, I was just chalking it up to being a teenage girl where everything was super dramatic and being depressed was “normal”. Well with all the talks and information out there now being focused on mental health I can pretty much say it was clinical for me and not just the hormones.

I grew up in a small town. But before settling in one spot during my High School years I moved around a lot with my mom. So building those lifelong friendships from kindergarten was never going to happen for me. When I finally landed where I would graduate my freshman year the bonds were already formed. I moved to a small town and my class size that I graduated with was 32 people. THRITY FREAKING TWO.

Everyone knew everyone since birth. Their parents even all went to school together, married and stayed in this same small town. You could not even walk down our one stoplight town without someone saying something about so and so and who did what. Let’s just say if you were trying to be sneaky you had the whole town on watch and best believe your parents would find out before you even got home. Looking back I was probably blessed to have those values my home town.

So when I entered my freshman year I was walking into bonds that had been formed by generations. Everyone was nice of course. I am from the Midwest..but I was always going to be the outsider. This was also a town that nobody really moved to. You moved out but not allot moved in.

I did my best to be active. I joined the cheerleading team, drama, and volunteered for prom committee and even ran for student council. I knew I wasn’t going to win, but I felt that maybe my small school would would get to know me a bit better.

I actually tried to be active to make friends but to also find something to do after school. We lived 30 miles away from the small town on a lake. It was gorgeous but far away. My mom worked in town but did not get off work until 5pm so I always had to figure out what to do for 2 hours. 2 hours felt like agony when you had nowhere to go.

I was not really invited to peoples homes since we were not super close. A lot of the time I just hung out by a tree and read a book if the weather was nice. Winters was a bit more tricky trying to find a warm place. That’s another reason why I signed up to do EVERYTHING I think. I had an excuse to be at school after hours.

Being so isolated and far from “town” I didn’t get to do much in the ways of High School type things. No parties or just hanging out on the weekends. This is when I think I had my very first major depressive episode. It was the Summer before my Sophomore year.

I had my first year in a new town and school. I was building a bit of momentum in trying to be included. But that last day of school in the spring and the car ride home I felt an overly heavy sense of dread. No car and no place to be in town. I was worried that none of the semi-ish friends I made would even reach out or make plans. I was right.

That whole summer I was home bound. Mom worked, but if I rode with her I would have to keep myself busy in town until she was done. It was hard enough for two hours after school but a full 8 hours would have been tourture. My whole town was walkable a matter of an hour. Not a lot of stores or places to “hang out.

Living on a lake in the summer was fun for the first few weeks but when your alone in the house and nobody to hang or share it with was a bit lonely. I ended up staying up most nights really late only so I could sleep away most of the day. Night time was easier since I felt if I could not see outside I wasn’t missing anything and if I slept all day then missing the sunshine would not make be feel so bad. I still feel that way to this day.

This was a pattern all summer. Living in the dark basically. Nothing could get me excited enough to get out of bed. I had nothing to do and no where to go. Once the Fall school year came around it was like I started school all over again. Hearing about the fun summers everyone had. I think I actually made up things I did just so I felt more normal. This was the beginning of me honing my skills on masking my true feelings and real life.

Looking back now and knowing the signs I was extremely depressed and needed some sort of help. Back in the day though it wasn’t something we talked about. My mom and I were not super close so that was something I wasn’t going to mention. I actually think if I did ask for help I’m not really sure we had the resources financially or even in our town.

When I moved out at 18 to start my adult life I felt like I was free to be honest. My little baby self felt like my issues was because of my locations button I was wrong because it follows you. Who knew? HAHAHA!

That feeling of dread and sadness has always come and gone in my life. Most of the time it has been because of something actually happening. Some event most would say it’s ok to be sad. Its normal. Then other times I talk myself into being sad. The pity party comes out. Then I’m down for weeks.

I have been on and off meds and had many therapists over the years. I was always the stereotype they talk about with anti-depressants, Once I started to feel better I would stop taking them and then 6 months later I’d start all over again. That’s been the cycle.

If I’m being completely honest I’m not on them right now or even talking with a therapist anymore. And it shows. I feel myself slipping back into old habits and not feeling the best. More on that later.

Last post I talked about things I do during my panic attacks but wanted to give you a few tips on what I do to try and boost my mood when all I want to do is eat everything in sight and sleep.

  1. Get bit of exercise: I try and make myself get out of bed or the couch and go for a short walk. I makes deals with myself if I just get outside for 10 minutes for a walk I can watch more Netflix. Good thing is once I’m up and out there I usually stay out longer. Get your body moving and maybe the fresh air will do some good.

  2. Find a hobby:I have tried many things like knitting, puzzles, painting    and I just bought a Cricut machine! I’m completely overwhelmed with it but I’m excited to at least to dig in and figure out what I can do. Even if you can find something to do WHILE your bed or watching tv. It will keep your mind sharp and possible your mind off whatever you are struggling with. Even just for a little bit it will help.

3. Volunteer: This one was hard for me. I felt if I could barely care for myself how could I even attempt to help others. I was so uncomfortable being around others sometimes so if you are like me try working with animals. I walked dogs at the humane society for years. Those poor babies need love too and they will absolutely give you love back. Total mood booster!

These are just a few I do but anything to really get moving will do. It’s ok to allow yourself to have a moment but when those moments turn into days and weeks then it’s time to try and understand where it’s coming from and ask for help if needed.

Therapy may be the next step if you feel that it is worsening or if it is starting to affect other aspects your life. It can be weird to talk about things to a complete stranger but once you find the right one and you are comfortable it’s ok. Just remember they are there to help and maybe even get you to think of things a different way and you can get a bit of clarity.

The one thing I do want to say is that please NEVER feel ashamed or embarrassed by how you feel. There are too many like me that have held it in for so long. You never have to feel you are alone. Reach out to a trusted family member or friend. Hell if you need to email me I will listen. I’m not embarressed to say I have called hotlines in the past. If you are having a rough time please call these guys…. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ I’ve done it and they are great. You can even chat/text if that makes you a bit more comfortable. Just reach out and start talking.

That’s it for today and I mean it if you need an ear..please reach out to the hotline or someone you trust. YOU MATTER!

XOXO

Amy

anxiety · Depression · Personal Stories

Real life tips for Anxiety and Depression

swearingtotallyhelps1 Comment

Hey all,

So today is going to get real..so let’s get to it. I want to talk a little bit more about my backstory well before domestic violence entered the picture. It’s not pretty but it’s real life and here we go..

My truth is that I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for 20+ years. Some days are better than others, but the others really do kick the ever loving shit out of me. Up until recently I have always put on the brave face and acted like nothing was wrong. If you saw me at a 9 am meeting with bags under my eyes and a coffee the size of my ass you would think I would have just had a fun night the night before. Truth would be I was probably up all night crying on the floor of my bathroom struggling to breathe. Trying to figure out why and getting more and more upset and frustrated because I couldn’t pinpoint it.

If you truly have never experienced a panic attack let me break it down. Depends on how severe they are..but for me it starts as a slow bubbling of nerves. Feeling agitated, frustrated or maybe even angry but not sure exactly why. The more I think about it the worse it gets. Then the tears start to flow. Hopefully at this point I’m at home or at least can get to a private or semi private place. (I could write a whole post on my public area freak-outs but another day another time.) 

Once the tears start to flow I worry about who will notice and how to hide. That’s when the real fun begins. At this point I feel like the whole world knows and everyone is watching me. My heart and chest start to pound and race. Breathing shortens and the big gasps of air start to come. If it’s a really good one my vision may start to get blurry and then the spins come, along with losing feeling in my toes and fingers from lack of oxygen. 

During this whole ordeal my only thought at the moment is I quite possibly will die from this. Of course that has not happened but every damn time that’s the end result in my head. These can last anywhere from 5 minutes to a half hour. In my head though it feels like seconds are minutes. I have worked on coping skills to help shorten them and try and fend them off the best I can but not all of these little bastards can be tamed.

If you can relate then you know. I have a few people in my life that come from the “snap out of it” mentality and do not quite understand just how hard it is to do just that. I also want to scream “OH!!!!..I never thought to just snap out of it. Let me try that.” I know they probably mean well and wish me no harm but damn…That really is the wrong thing to say to someone.

When they first started coming on a lot of it was mostly situational. Like something actually happened to get me worried or sad or stressed. What is actually kind of scary is now they come on out of nowhere. I could be having a fantastic day and then boom..panic attack. My guess my most recent ones are creeping up from my trauma..but then again I like to self diagnose from Dr.Google.

I do have a prescription for Xanax that I do take for when they come on. I have gone up in dosage over the years but I try and tough it out without them sometimes to just feel somewhat in control and not dependent. I just don’t want it to be my go to. I want to learn to control and minimize instead of masking it with pills. Not above taking it though and you will NEVER hear me judge others who do. Sometimes as my blog title states..I say fuck it, take the pill and keep it moving.

Here is a short list of things that tend to help me come out of them sooner. These are just my things but I would love to hear others’ thoughts and ways. Maybe we can learn other coping skills to help each other.

  1. Find a quiet space. If I am anywhere other than my home I try and look for a place where I can get out of the way. I need quiet because sometimes the outside stimulation makes it worse. I need to quiet and calm my brain so I need a place that will allow me to do that. I have had them in stores before and I will try and get back out to my car or a bathroom. (big shout out to bathroom designers that make a full room with full door. Not the open bathroom stalls with the cracks big enough where people can see in and out.) If I am at home..I tend to gravitate to my bathroom. Small spaces is my go to. I have even sat in my small shower stall. The smaller the better. I feel more in control of the small space around me and feel a bit safer.
  1. If home I have an icepack or cooling towel in my freezer at all times. I tend to overheat so having that cool item next to your chest or even forehead helps me regulate my body temp. If I am out in public I may dip into the bathroom if I’m not already in there and just wet a paper towel and blot around my face or put it on my wrists.
  1. If in public and I’ve found my quiet place or even if I could not find one I will pop my earbuds in and use a soothing app like Calm or Headspace to listen to meditation or a follow along breathing technique to help calm down. Something about a British accent is super soothing. HA! If at home I have Alexa set up with soothing sounds and the apps above to talk to me while I calm myself down.
  1. Worst case, I take my Xanax if it’s getting worse or if it’s lasting longer than I am comfortable with. If I’m still struggling after a half hour after trying my self soothing ideas I will take one.

Bonus tip…Once you are actually calmed down.. please still take it easy if you can. If at work or out and about. Buy yourself something soothing as a treat. Starbucks is my go too. If you can take a minute to just gather your thoughts and sip on something you love it will help get you back to somewhat level. Doing something you love or enjoy can help feel like you again and know that you made it and are going to be ok. If I’m at home I put on something comfy and fuzzy socks and watch some horribly bad reality show or my crack of choice..HGTV. This helps me calm down and focus on something else that I enjoy. Self care people!

The tips I just listed are the things that help me but everyone has their own way of dealing with things. The main thing is to just really be aware of your surroundings and feelings and you do what YOU need to do to make it to the other side. Don’t let anyone ever tell you to snap out of it. The main goal is to get through it and understand that it will pass. It may not feel like it at the time and nothing will make sense but you are strong and will make it. I promise.

 Next time I’ll talk about the depression side of things. Depression likes to take over when the panic attacks are not happening. If it’s not one it’s the other. SO FUN!

Til next time..

Amy

Uncategorized

Finally free from my abusive past

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

So my last posts were about my 6 years being in an abusive relationship. If you want to see my story you can read it here..

My domestic violence story: Part 1

My domestic violence story: Part 2

It was pretty hard for me to get that all out but everyone has a story and I wanted mine to be heard. I want you to know that I get it. I see you. You are not alone.

It wasn’t easy though. For so long I kept it inside and was scared to ask for help. You get so brainwashed that you feel like no one will believe you or want to help because it’s too messy to get involved. I thought it was just easier to not bother anyone and I will handle it on my own.

That day that he left and took pretty much everything I had with him was Day 1 of my recovery. I was sitting on the empty floor with my two dogs and cried for hours. I was so stunned and so used to him controlling every hour of every day I felt lost,abandoned and had no clue what to do next. My initial thought was I can’t go on without him. Which is totally ironic to think about because everyday I thought about how I wished I could get out of my situation. But now faced with being completely alone I was terrified.

I was in a city that I knew no one and my closet friends were over 1000 miles away. The hard part was I had been lying to EVERYONE I knew for 6 years. Not one person that knew me knew I was going through this. So to make a phone call to my 3 best friends asking for help was going to be hard. I knew they would be there for me but I also knew the bomb I was about to drop on them. Spoiler alert.. They were fantastic, but not without a few “why didn’t you tell me?”

Why didn’t I tell them? That’s the hardest question for me to answer. Why the hell didn’t I? Bottom line I was embarrassed. The first time he choked me. I wrote it off as a one time thing and I didn’t want to say anything because I loved him and they would tell me to leave him. The first time he raped me I didn’t feel comfortable telling someone that for fear of what they would think of me. Days, months, years went on and at that point it was just my normal every day and I was too far in. I would lie through my teeth why I could not go anywhere (because I had bruises around my neck). Sorry I could not go bike riding with the group because I was bleeding still from the rape the night before. I slowly started to withdraw and it became my new normal to lie.

So now that he was gone I had nothing to lie about and the truth was about to be exposed wide open.

I mentioned I had nothing left in the apartment but a few clothes and my two dogs. He even took all the food. He left a $20 bill on the counter and zero in the bank account. My gas tank was empty and I did not have a job since I put my two weeks in since we were moving. Panic set in. One of my friends suggested I start a Go Fund Me. Are you FUCKING kidding?!?! was my response. That way the world would know and it was hard enough telling my friends I lied to them over the last 6 years. I cried and said no, then cried some more and in my panic manic crying I said fine and wrote an abbreviated/PC version of my story on the Go Fund Me site and hit publish.

THEN I IMMEDIATELY THREW UP!

I felt so sick putting it out there. I was always the strong one and now I’m the idiot that stayed with a man that hurt me daily. That was my internal dialog. Once I hit publish I was so overwhelmed with sickness and emotion and panic I must have passed out on the bathroom tile by the toilet.

When I woke up I was stiff. Partly from sleeping on the cold hard floor but looking in the mirror I still had the reminders of the life I have been leading. Bruises, bags and puffiness under my eyes from crying and always looking at myself with disgust. It was day 2 of my new life and my outlook was just a bit better than the day before.

When I finally got moving and washed my tear crusted face I saw my phone and all the alerts. LIKE A TON OF THEM. I completely forgot about the Go Fund Me and I burst into tears again. This time tears of love and a sense of feeling like I mattered. With each ding of my phone I saw friends, past co-workers, long lost acquaintances and people I didn’t even know pop up with words of encouragement and strength. They were opening up their wallets for me and it was just almost too much to handle. I felt so guilty but thankful and relived that I would be able to pick myself up and start the long process of figuring out my next chapter.

After a few days and the strength of my besties we put together a plan on how to get me back to the state where they were. I had a few days to wait until the Go Fund Me money would come in and I could get out of the town I felt stuck in.

When I finally closed the door on that condo and shut my car door and saw my puppies ready to go we hit the road. I think I cried the first 100 miles while I was driving back to my safe space. It was a 3 day drive and I remember the first night I stopped to find a hotel. I didn’t sleep most of the night because it was the first time in a long while I’ve been out in the world alone without him. I had a overwhelming sense of fear something was going to happen to me. Before I only feared him but now I was fearful of the whole damn world. It was a weird feeling because when I was with him he kept me safe from outside harm. I just was not safe inside the home.

When I finally made it to my safe place it was a whole other sense of emotions creeping up. I was finally free. He didn’t know where I was exactly but I know he probably knew what state I was going back too.

In the whirlwind of being “free” I had appointments set up with a domestic abuse advocate, apartment showings, and job interviews. I’m not going to lie I was completely overwhelmed. Like crying in a ball on the corner of my friends floor overwhelmed. Having to make decisions was terrifying. My brains first reaction was I need to check with him if this was ok, then that totally pissed me off, then I cried about it. I could go from 0 to meltdown real quick.

My DV advocate was fantastic with listening to my crazy meltdowns and assured me MANY times that it’s going to be an adjustment. I remember when I fist got back into town I needed to to go to Target to buy basic need type things. I had a meltdown in the shampoo aisle because it was completely overwhelming to make my own choices. Also the sound of a garage door opening would literally bring me to my knees. When I heard the door that meant he was home and my life was going to be difficult. At my friends house I heard the garage door each day and I still had a sense of dread. I still do and to be honest that one is one of my top triggers to break free from.

In the first month I was back I secured employment and found an apartment. The job was great and it really helped me build back my confidence. My apartment..not so much. Think back to where you thought was the worst place you lived. Then think worse than that and that was my new home. It was all I could afford but it was mine. As my new job was building me up I would come home to the reminder that I’m starting from nothing at 40. It was tough those first few months. Thrift store bought everything and sleeping on an air mattress.

I felt I was living a lie again. I was successful at work but falling backwards deep into depression when I would get home.I was making an amazing salary but the crushing debt I was in was limiting my ability to thrive financially. My credit cards were maxed out due to all of our moves over the years.

Therapy was helping a little but I was struggling to be completely honest on what I went through and how I was feeling currently. Reverting back to making sure everything was fine on the outside was easier than being honest. With my first therapist after the break..I never told her all the ugly details. I just couldn’t bring myself to say them out loud. I skimmed over everything and just said it was bad and he hurt me.

Those first few months were rough. All the emotions you can feel could happen all within an hour period. I never knew when a trigger would hit and how well I would handle it. I think I mentioned before that please never let anyone tell you how quick or what you should be doing to “get over it”. This year it will be 6 years since that day my world changed. I still have triggers, I still cry and I still have nightmares..but you know what? It’s not everyday anymore and sometimes not even monthly so it does get better. I promise. In the coming weeks I will get in more detail on what I did and how I baby stepped my back back to living the life I deserve.

Love you guys,

Amy