Tag: trauma

Abuse · In the News

Why the Diddy thing is so triggering to Domestic Violence survivors.

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Whew! Here we go.. Lets get into this.

It took me a few days to actually calm the fuck down after hearing his bullshit apology. We all have seen the progression of this story. It’s all too familiar.

Girl has enough strength to come forward to tell her story. People drag her though the mud saying she lies. Guy comes out saying she is tarnishing his reputation and denies any and all wrong doing. Video comes out explaining EXACTLY what girl says. Guys then apologizes and says he was “in a dark place and sought out therapy” All without ever apologizing directly to the girl. He’s just sorry the video came out.

So many things to unpack here.

When Cassie first came out and told her truth we all had somewhat of an idea that it could be totally true. We have known Diddy to be not the greatest of people. So many rumors have swirled around this man for years. So what pissed me off from the beginning is the comments saying she’s lying. She’s doing it for the money. Why didn’t she come forward sooner if it was true?

How inconsiderate can you honestly be? Regardless if you come forward right away or when you feel the strength to do so, who are we to judge this? Trauma and fear is a real thing and going up against a “powerful” man who has gotten away with this behavior for years could make anyone rethink if they should. Being a money grab? Do you not think she should be compensated for her pain and suffering? That’s a personal opinion everyone can answer but I don’t hate her for it. Each and everyday lawyers win lawsuits for personal compensation. The word money grab was just thrown out there because the asshole denied it for so long.

So once she comes out.. the denials follow. The breaking her down. The lawyers doing the lawyer talk but yet Diddy settles immediately. The girl got what she wanted right?. A payday! that was the narrative. Diddy’s lawyer said some bullshit like paying and settling does not assume guilt. Ok fine..we all know he was never going to admit it anyway. This is when the “poor me”, I’m being attacked and my character is trying to be tarnished started.

Honesty reading this again just makes me sick. Everything in the dark comes out in the light!

Fast forward to last week when the “sickening allegations” turned into facts. Into Proof. Into validation for Cassie and for all of us who have put up with the lies and denials. This video right here was what we wanted but never wanted to relive.

The blow by blow. The punching, kicking, dragging and throwing things. It’s all there. Everything this woman said was on the tape. Now what?

Silence. Silence for days. Not a peep from Mr. Denial. I can just imagine his lawyer. Heartburn meds and sleepless nights I’m sure. I don’t judge lawyers. Its a job but this dude seriously has had a hell of a few months with this guy.

When we finally do get the “apology” video it was as expected. I was in a bad place. I sought therapy. I was disgusted by what I saw on the tape and still am. Blah Blah Blah. He said sorry but to whom? I sure as hell didn’t here Cassies name mentioned.He says he can’t say her name due to legal reasons.

All of this is just so triggering for us that has lived this. Having to see the video. Feeling those emotions she must have felt in that moment. The blatant disrespect of everyone saying she is lying. The man who clearly on video IS doing those things giving a bullshit apology. We will always remember seeing the video and calling him for what he is but unfortunately nothing can be done about it.

He had to give his excuse of an apology because he was probably advised to do so. No criminal action can be taken says the police. He will be on the news cycle for weeks and everyone will talk shit and then we will move on to the next horrible event that happens in the world and he will go back on living his life. He will absolutely serve time in the public option. He will lose sponsorships and business deals. All we can hope is that whatever other shady shit he has done will come to light and the piss poor statue of limitations will still be in play.

I could care less what happens to this man and how his future looks. Preferably miserable or in prison. What I really want to see changed is how we treat our women and when they come forward let’s believe them until we know for sure. There of course are some bad ones out there that do it to actually hurt men. To lie and to gain something from it. But I honestly will always believe you until there is some reason where I can’t. Most guys will say that’s not fair to be targeted that way if it’s not true. What I hear when they say that is “I am the more dominant human here and womans feeling do not matter”

How can we stand up strong and have a voice when we are telling the truth and get even more beatdown for it then the actual event that we are talking about? How can we change the people around the abuser to come forward and say “Hey man.. That’s not right?” The ones who enable and hide the behavior are just contributing to the problem. Maybe they don’t even think what is happening is wrong. Maybe they are on the payroll of the powerful? Would that be considered a money grab? Knowing it’s wrong but taking the money to keep quiet?

What about the hotel that slept on this video for almost 10 years? What employee took the money instead of coming forward that a crime was committed. Was that a money grab?

Just so many things money can do to fail a victim here. No wonder it is hard to come forward again the powerful.

To anyone that has been told you are lying. You are just petty and trying to destroy someone. For every time you tried to tell your story but was silenced. To everyone that has to wake up the next day and cover your bruises and to live with the pain and aches…

I SEE YOU. I HEAR YOU. I BELIEVE YOU!

I am you. You are me. We will get though this together. We are in a group that should never even be formed. Please know you are not alone even though you feel like nobody cares. Nobody believes you. WE know the truth. We are here for you and please reach out to someone you trust even if just to talk.

YOU ARE ENOUGH!

XOXO,

Amy

anxiety · Personal Stories

My Latest Panic Attack: Public Bathroom Edition

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

Hey all,

So today I want to talk about panic attacks. Like out of nowhere slap you in the face, knock you on your ass panic attacks. I had a doozy a few days ago. Epic! Let me set scene..

I’m at work minding my own damn business. I start to get really hot and feel woozy. My chest is starting to tighten up and my breaths become short. My legs turn to what I like to call “jelly legs” they are someone solid, keeping me upright but feel wiggly and unstable. My “oh shit” meter is going off and I know I’m about to go to a place I don’t want to be.

This time I actually got myself into the bathroom. My work bathrooms are the best because they are full brick stalls and full heavy doors. For anyone that appreciates privacy you totally get what I mean. Not those cheap ass stalls you see with gaps. If I can see you, you can for sure see me. When your about to freak out in public..this my friends is like the Four Seasons of bathrooms.

I get inside and the tears immediately begin to flow. I go basically limp while sitting on the toilet. I would have dropped to the floor if I was at home but even though it’s super clean its STILL a public bathroom. Wave after wave to sheer terror wash over me.

If I’m being completely honest most times when I get these I don’t really know what it is that’s bothering me. Just something is not right and then I panic about it. Super frustrating which then makes it so much worse. This time it was so clear and completely random.

My main concern was that my boyfriend was going to die someday. Like it could be today or it could be 50 years from now. Who the hell knows but the only thing I’m focusing on is him dying and what the fuck am I going to do when he does. How does it happen? Will I be there when it does? What if I can’t save him or I panic and ruin any chance of survival. I’m completely irrational at this point. Crying and trying to control my breathing. Trying to control myself by thinking that it’s going to be ok any he’s fine. I’m fine, we are both effing fine and to just stop this . Again I’m completely irrational at this point so you know what I did…?

I had another fucking thought pop up in my head mid attack. So not only do I think my boyfriend is dying but why not think about someone coming to steal my dogs at the same time. WTF?!?!

I have a pretty high profile breed that people have been stealing to get a ransom from the owner or to resell. We all remember Lady Gaga’s dog walker getting shot right? Well my brain took me to a place where my babies are going to get dognapped and I will never see them again. I will get attacked and have to live with the pain and guilt for not saving my babies.

Layers after layer of panic, terror, shame, guilt wash over me. Horrible thought after horrible though keep coming. I think I threw up at one point. There was a lot going on my friends.

At some point I’m starting to realize how long I’ve been hiding in the bathroom and really need to get it together. My two totally random issues collided in a huge way and not in the nicest of ways. It was probably only 10 minutes but it felt like hours with the added stress of being at work.

I’m super hard on myself sometimes and tend to say some not so nice things about what I’m doing. “Get it together” “Just stop” ” Your being ridiculous” They are not really helpful at all. I’m a work in progress too people..I try and help others with tips and tricks to ease the pain and fear..but I still struggle right along with ya’ll. Please if you can remember to be patient with yourself. This is happening only for a little bit and you can do hard things. It will pass and you can tackle the problem when your calm. Lean into the feeling. Acknowledge it and tell yourself you will work on it.

I posted about my panic attacks before here along with my helpful tips on how I can slowly recover from them. Like I said..it does help but sometimes you just have a bad one and it all goes out the window. It’s ok.

One or all may work for you or none whatsoever. There is never a right or wrong way to handle them. It’s just a matter of finding what can get you through in the best way for you.

I always feel a little weird talking about mine because I’m writing this with a safe and calm mind at the moment. Looking back it’s still seems so irrational.

Thanks for being here as always and let’s all try to be kind to each other this week.

XOXO,

Amy

Abuse · Personal Stories

Why being alone in the car is the best thing ever!

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For me and maybe many of you there is just something so damn freeing about being in the car and driving. I feel safe and protected. Just me and the open road. No fighting, no yelling, just some quality me time and it’s fabulous. Hell, Id be happy just sitting in the driveway if it meant a little peace and quiet.

Most of you here know my past story about abuse. I was rarely allowed to do things on my own but when I got to get in the car and actually drive to do an errand or go somewhere he didn’t feel like going it was pure bliss. It was just me and my thoughts. I was in control and most of all I was free. Free of abuse, free of constant insults, and most free of whatever angry every he was putting out. No more walking on eggshells. It is just me myself and I.

Most trips I was allowed to take were small. To and from the grocery store, running to get dog food or going to the doctor after a fight and I just could stand the pain. I always wish it was longer trips or my stops were just a bit farther away. He kept me on the clock and if I was gone too long I would hear about.

There were so many times I was absolutely determined to just keep driving. To not ever get off on an exit sign. Straight road for days. No destination but getting as far away as possible. I would plan in my head how freeing it would be to have no plan but the road and how I would feel safer in my car no matter where it took me. I actually still feel this way 5 years later. Sometimes its as simple as just sitting still in the car will bring me back to dreaming of the open road.

On really cold days I would let my car warm up a bit longer just so I could stay in the car longer. On the hotter days I would jump in and let the heat wash over me like a hug and pretend I was on a tropical vacation.

I tried to run errands every chance I could just so I could get that quick little vacation fix. I craved it somedays. As excited as I was to get into the car the disappointment was just as great when he said he was coming with. I wanted to scream..”GET OUT, THIS IS MY TIME”

I’ve had some of my best thoughts in the car. Mapping out my life goals and how to get to them. Wild and outlandish business ideas were made and then I would laugh and think could I really get away with that?

My love of podcasts started in my car. I was pretty isolated from having social interactions with real humans and podcasts were a way of feeling like I had a friend there for me each day.

I will tell you my most memorable and life changing drive was when I drove from Illinois to Florida in February 2019. That was the day my life changed. I was driving away from the last 6 years of abuse. My freedom ride. I was scared but I could not stop smiling. Comparing myself to what a shelter dog must feel like breaking free from the kennel on his way to his new life. Each mile and state line I crossed I was giddy because it was one more state in between him and I. As the distance kept getting wider so did my smile.

It took me 3 days to drive. I started scared and alone, not knowing how I was going to make it with just what I had in my car. By the time I hit the half way point I had a plan on next steps once I arrived in Florida. By the 3rd and final day once I saw that Welcome to Florida sign I knew I was going to be ok. That cross country drive was just what I needed. No distractions, just me and my thoughts and nothing but time to get my life back. It was exactly what I had been dreaming of in my short car rides for 6 years. It was finally happening.

That drive will always mean so much to me. Seeing the change in myself mile after mile is something that helps me remember how strong I can be. It shows me that I CAN do it and I WILL BE OK. It may be bumpy and ugly at times but so can road contraction and regardless it will end.

Have you all taken any life changing road trips? How has it changed you? I’d love to hear about it.

XOXO,

Amy

Abuse · Personal Stories · Relationships

The dreaded silent treatment and what to do about it.

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I have been through this so many times that I can’t even tell you a number. And each and every time it hurts like hell. When I was going through it I always felt like I was invisible, insignificant and not worth much. Why wasn’t he speaking to me and trying to work this out? Why does he shut down and ignore? Doesn’t he see how much this hurts and it’s making me go to places in my brain I do not want to go.

Well…

They do know. They are trying to hurt you and yes, they are trying to make you slowly go crazy. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and it’s a way for the abuser to control you.

How many times have you felt the need to apologize just to keep the peace? They flew off the handle, but you’re the one being punished. You feel like you have to apologize to make them feel better knowing damn well you did nothing wrong. I am realistic here and let’s just say you did make a little mistake you should be able to talk about it in that moment and it should be ok. Sincerely apologize and keep it moving. That’s how it should work.

When you are in a toxic relationship this could be a daily or weekly occurrence. You start to question if you really ARE the problem. What is so wrong with you that you make him so mad all the time?

The answer is nothing. Every couple will fight…it’s going to happen but how you treat each other in that moment is what will make or break a relationship. Being heated and maybe saying something you shouldn’t happens. We are human, that’s normal, but saying something hurtful to your partner then shutting down and ghosting you is not.

So what is the Silent Treatment and what can you do to help your mental health while going through it.

The silent treatment is when your partner, parent or friend is hearing what you say, write, text and they purposely ignore. It’s a control tactic they put in place to make YOU the one that is struggling with the silence. I will talk about gaslighting in a future post but this is a form as well.

They want YOU to be the one that is the problem and they want YOU to know that they are not happy. They want YOU to be the one groveling back and saying sorry first. To admit YOU messed up. To beg them for forgiveness. It’s all about having the upper hand and making your point of view and feelings pushed back and non existent. YOU are the one suffering while they sit back and what you implode.

Some woman I talk to will not think of the silent treat as abuse. They say they are not getting hit or they are not being yelled at and called names..it’s just silence. I completely understand there are levels to things. Each of us has a story for sure we could tell. But what the silent treatment actually does to your mind and body is 100% real. You may not have a bruise or a screaming partner in your face but you do actually have long term effects from it.

So what does it actually do to you while you are going through it? Well some studies have actually shown that the silent treatment triggers the brain as it would if you are being physically hurt.

A study at Perdue University shows that the silent treatment triggers the anterior cingulate cortex which is the same area in the brain that triggers physical pain. 1400 participants in the study also showed extreme bouts of panic/anxiety attacks, depression, erectile disfunction and bowl issues.

Different levels of emotional stress could lead to more serious health risks, such as eating disorders, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, blood clots and cancer. Just because they are not laying hands on you this is STILL a form of abuse and should be taken vary seriously.

I have totally been there. When it first started happening it would consume every inch of me. If they were in the house I would talk, cry, have panic attacks and feeling so low about myself that going to a dark place was easy. I just wanted the pain to stop. I would always say I would rather have them yell at me because at least I was being seen and acknowledged. Sometimes I even thought that I’d rather get punched because the physical pain subsided easier than the emotional. Crazy to think I was trying to choose between which abuse I wanted.

If they left the house or not around me I would rapid fire texts telling them how I feel, how bad it hurts and I’m so sorry I hurt you and please forgive me and blah, blah, blah. Why the fuck am I apologizing when they were the ones inflicting pain. I always did it though. I was desperate to be seen. To be heard. To be acknowledged, and understood.

The more he did it the crazier I would become. I was playing right in to what he was telling me. Your too emotional, Why are you so crazy?, You are the reason why I need to leave he would say. Was I? I was crying a lot, having panic attacks, am I the cause of all this? I would tell myself awful things and start to believe I really was the problem.

So what are things you can do to power though the silent treatment and remain calm as to not damage your body and self worth.

Make sure you know for sure if it truly is the silent treatment. Some people really do need a cooling off period.Most rational and an effective form of communication would be to say ” I need a break from this but we can talk about it later” This shows that they really do care about the topic..but maybe they just need time to collect their thoughts, calm down and come back to resolve the issue TOGETHER.

This is easier said than done but at least try to gather your thoughts before the full on texts come out.

Calmly state your feelings verbally or in writing. Let them know that the silent treatment is hurtful and draining. Let them know how you’re feeling. Make sure he knows what his silence is doing to you and how it’s effecting you mentally and physically. If you feel strong enough you can stand up and let him know you will not tolerate this behavior. Please only do this if you feel safe. Please only do this one time. This is what they want is to hurt you. Be clear. state the facts, and then take a breathe.

Step back and control the urge to keep talking. As much as you want to keep talking it’s best to fall back a bit. If you calmly expressed how you feel and they still did not respond then you need to let them be. Even though they are not responding they ARE seeing your messages and with every crazy text it just makes them feel more in control. They know you are hurting and that’s exactly what they wanted. If you say your peace and then stop you are not giving them the satisfaction of watching or hearing you break down.

Put your mental state first. You need to take care of you during this time. You may be crying or going crazy on the inside but please try and remember your self worth. You do not deserve this and the only person that will take care of you is you. Take a shower or bath, go for a walk, work on something you can’t do much of because of your partner. What brings you joy and a distraction? I personally take a hot shower. I allow myself to cry a little bit alone and then I try and tell myself all the things I do well. Give yourself a pep talk. You ARE worth it.

I know not everyone has the same situations. I’m fully aware the consiqences that some of these can bring. First and foremost I want you to be safe. If you really can’t express the hurt and pain it causes you then it’s best not to say anything. Meanwhile use that time to work out a plan in your head on how to get out. When I was at the worst point with my ex I would use the shower as an escape to be alone with my thoughts. I could never tell him how I felt because it would end badly but he could never take my internal thoughts away from me.

Bottom line is that the silent treatment is NEVER ok. If you have a mutual respect for each other it should be ok to talk things out opening. You should never feel like your being punished. That your words do not matter. Cooling off is fine as long as there is a time you can talk later. I know it’s so hard to process when you are left with nothing and no idea when it will end..just know you deserve better and deserve a partner that will always listen to you if it’s good or bad.

CONFESSION:

Wow! After writing this I can feel the anger and hurt I still have when I think about it, I’m 5 years removed and sometimes a trigger can set me back a little bit but it’s all about a process and everyone is different. It’s good to be open and honest with yourself about how your feeling about certain things. My truth is that this set me off a little bit. I can sense it in my writing and how I said things. I can feel the panic and pain I had during those times. Time to take a shower and have a little me time with my thoughts.

That’s all for now.

XOXO

Amy

Personal Stories · Therapy

Do you lie to your therapist?

swearingtotallyhelpsLeave a comment

My guess is if you you have ever been in the chair staring across the room at them with the notepad and pen in hand you have TOTALLY lied to them. Am I right? I can’t be the only one.

I’ve chatted before about my love hate relationship with therapy. I’m the poster child for quitting. I feel better I dip. It get’s too painful I’m running away. I’ll be the first to admit it that it usually takes me like 6 sessions before I go all in. That’s IF I make it that far.

The very first appointment it’s usually like a get to know you on the surface level. Hi! My name is Amy and I’m having a few issues and thought it’s best to maybe come and talk to someone. I have dogs, I work here and I like doing this stuff. Totally like a dating app bio. Putting your best self out there first so you are not coming off too crazy right?

The next few sessions I ease into what is going on with me but not the ugly crying on the bathroom floor type stuff. It’s weird how I don’t go all in when it’s clear I’m there for help. They ask how I’m doing. I dance around and say I’m fine just sad or I’m feeling “off”. They dig deeper. I give a little but by then the clocks my saving grace because my time is up. Success!I didn’t have to get to the ugly stuff. Totally winning at this therapy thing!

By the time the 6th session is happening I’m a freaking mess and then spill it and it’s not pretty. I’m crying, UGLY crying and they are totally going to have to restock the tissues because I’m USING THEM ALL!! This is where it gets totally real and scary. Where the real work begins.

For me when I was in my abusive relationship we moved every 6 months or so. It was never easy and I would have to sneak around to get to my therapy sessions. During that time I would always have to start over with someone new and the cat and mouse game would start all over. I never got the serious help to deal with the trauma .

My issue was I was still in protective mode and I wanted to feel better but I was scared to give up too much info for fear I would get him in trouble. Like the secret would get out. I would talk about me being depressed. How I lost interest in things I once loved. Moving all the time was hard. All the things but actually saying I was being abused. I would talk about it without talking about it. I always wondered if they knew or if they were going to let me bring it out on my own in my own time. Did they notice my bruises that I was trying to hide? Did they notice when my hands were shaking when I got close to saying it out loud.

When I was finally out of my relationship it still took me a long time to finally get comfortable with opening up about the abuse. There were some very ugly things that I knew I had to talk about but even the thought of retelling it made me want to throw up. I think I actually had to get up in the middle of a session once to do just that. YUCK!

So why do we feel we have to lie or sugarcoat to our therapists? Are we scared? Too much pain? Embarrassed? I’m sure it could be all three or at least one of them…so how do we get more comfortable with it all? We are paying big bucks for it after all. We can lie to anyone else for free but you are actively paying and wanting the help so let’s try and actually do the work to get better.

After doing a little research I found Time magazine did a little study and found a whopping 93% of us have lied in our therapy sessions. Most of the reasons why is what I listed above.

Regardless of what your in therapy for most of us may find it weird to have someone attentive to your thoughts and feelings. They listen and don’t interrupt and when they start asking questions our defenses go up and lying seems like a way to protect ourselves.

With my ex I had to lie most every day. It was mostly for safety. to not anger him. tell him want he wanted to hear to keep the peace. It got easy over time. That’s probably why for me to lie to my therapist. It came naturally.

Here are a few things to remember and help you feel comfortable while talking about uncomfortable things.

1. Remember they are there to help you feel better. You took the first step to call to make the appointment. Ease into it like I have done but you and the therapist will become partners in your recovery so you do your part so they can do theirs.

2. I usually wear comfy clothes to my appointments. I tend to bring my legs under my body and if I’m going to be sitting that way I sure as hell better not be in skinny jeans. The more comfortable you are, the more you will be in a comfy headspace to open up.

3. Bring a water bottle. If your a cryer like me you need to stay hydrated. I tend to get wicked headaches when I cry. Try to stay hydrated with water or a sports drink and maybe have some Advil handy too!

4. Just always remember these guys have heard way crazier stories than you could ever tell. As sad as that sounds you are doing a hell of a good job just for walking in the door. They are there for you. They know the best ways to maneuver around your issues. They are not there to judge you. It may hurt but they are not the ones who caused the pain. Walk with them through it.

5. Just breathe. Keep an open mind. Speak your truth at the pace your comfortable with and know you are strong and going to come out a bit better than the day before. You got this!!

What’s the biggest lie you told your therapist?

I swear she HAD to know I was full of it but I told mine once that the reason why my eyes are puffy is because I have extreme allergies and it kept me up all night. Ugh so lame. Meanwhile I was on my bathroom floor crying all night but of course the allergy lie felt easier to say. It was my go to. My safe zone.

Any tips you have that makes therapy a bit easier I’d love yo hear them.

Til next time

XOXO,

Amy